Attack of the Swank.

Too verbose to tweet OR: Daniel Andriano knows it

2010-02-01T15:53:00.003-05:00

So, I recently rediscovered this jam from my formative years. It's sat dormant in my mp3 collection, being transfered from iPod to iPod as technology's planned obsolescence took it's course over the years, but I hadn't played it in a long time. I popped into my head the other day, as forgotten songs are often wont to do, and I wasn't even sure if I still had it, but sure enough, there it was. A neglected digital file, backed up and transfered too many times to count.

Now, I'm not sure my exact thoughts on the song before, other than I liked it, but as I listened this time, something was different. I don't know if I was simply analyzing more, or if the interim years have forged perspective on the song's themes, but this particular listen caught me off guard.

I was going to tweet about it, but upon trying, I found that what I wanted to say about the song in question appeared to be too much to contain within a 140 character bubble. I like Twitter for short, spontaneous bursts of entertainment, but I almost feel like it's being overused, and over-lauded. I feel like, for better or for worse, Twitter is driving people away from writing blogs. There are pros and cons to that; ~~some~~ most blogs are terrible and need to just get to the point, but on the other hand, some ideas cannot be explored within 140 characters.

So, here's my unedited tweet, all +76 characters of it:

"Anyone who's ever found themselves in the awkward and easily criticized position of being mildly infatuated with someone they know they'll probably never even meet, should know Ozma's "Natalie Portman". Brilliant Jam."

and here's the song in question...

Top Tens! OR: A grand OCD tradition of compulsively ranking things....

2010-01-01T22:29:00.004-05:00

Music
1. Bomb the Music Industry! - Scrambles (You have to come pretty correct in order to best a Green Day offering, and this album did)
2. Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown
3. Felt - Felt 3: A Tribute to Rosie Perez
4. NOFX - Coaster/Cokie the Clown
5. get-up kids - The Daytrotter Sessions EP (Kind of cheating, but...)
6. POS - Never Better
7. Raekwon - Only Built for Cuban Linx II
8. Tegan & Sara - Sainthood
9. MF Doom - Born Like This
10. Lonely Island - Incredibad

Best "Best of": Pinhead Gunpowder - Kick Over the Traces
Biggest Disappointment - Rancid - Let the Dominos Fall

Anticipated: Get Up Kids, The Invincibles, Joey Cape, Lifetime 7", Dr. Dre's Detox

Movies
1. Inglorious Basterds
2. Where the Wild Things Are
3. UP
4. Big Fan
5. Disctrict 9
6. Adventureland
7. I love you, man
8. Hangover
9. Zombieland
10. Invention of Lying

Anticipated: Iron Man 2, Jackass 3(-D), Couple of Dicks (AKA Cop Out), Kick-Ass, Get Him to the Greek, new Muppets

Heinous! OR: Kurt got Melvined, and not by Death

2009-10-01T02:42:00.006-04:00

It's long been my belief that Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey is a totally under-rated sequel. I truly feel like it's superior to it's predecessor, Like T2 was to Terminator, Or Dark Knight was to every other movie ever made. You get a young Alex Winter and a pre-Point Break Keeanu Reeves, with all the silliness and amusing characters as "Excellent Adventure", but with none of that history paper shenanigans that felt like they were trying to shoehorn in book learning into it. "Bogus Journey" takes our (inferred) stoner duo to Purgatory, Heaven, and encounters with Aliens, Death and no less than 4 different pairs of Bill and Teds. Sure, that "Station" thing was kind of bullshit, but BATBJ (whoa! Bat-BJ!) has many good ideas that really captured my imagination as a boy.
Most of all, the idea of "Personalized Hell".

Now, I'm not a religious man by any stretch, but I've often thought about what my personalized hell would consist of. For Bill & Ted is was drill Sargents, deranged easter bunnies and hairy lipped grandmas. Maybe in mine I'd be the main course of a thanksgiving celebration between all my ex's, unable to move of communicate, while they all quite vocally commiserate over what an asshole I am while tearing me apart and eating me? Maybe I'm stuck in a room with 10,000 cell phone users and all I want to do is finish a book?

Or maybe I'd think I was in Heaven, and had gained admission to a show of a band I always loved but never got a chance to see. Like the Ramones or Nirvana. Let's say Nirvana. Kurt would get up on stage, still alive and 27, exactly how you'd picture him. He'd approach the mic to sing, and as soon as he was about to let out his first word....Jon Bon Jovi's poofy whine would come out! Almost as if he was merely a puppet, unable to control his own body or voice. Flava Flav's voice would be next, and then that crying pussy Dave Mustaine, or that treasure troll looking guy who married Avril Lavigne.

Come to think of it....it would look exactly like this:

By now, many of us have seen Kurt Cobain playing hype-man to Chuck D, or belting out "You give love a bad name" like he means it. For anyone who was ever a fan of Nirvana or what they represented, it's pretty horrific. Having him appear in the game isn't necessarily a bad thing, look no further than the largely tasteful usage of The Beatles in their recently released Rock Band game for proof that in CAN be done right. But I think it's pretty apparent to anyone who can see the above video that having Kurt Cobain be an unlockable character, with the ability to participate in every song is a fumble of epic proportions.

So who's to blame? Many would point the finger at Courtney Love, and that's never a bad place to start in situations such as these. After all, she's in charge of Cobain's estate and thus would have to sign off on using his likeness (as I understand it, Her, Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic have equal ownership of Nirvana music, however the estate is hers, and likeness rights would be in her jurisdiction). Is it Activision, the gamemaker's fault for not being more sensitive to the legacies or reputations of the musicians they're using to sell their games? Perhaps, but Activision in the business of just that, selling games. If exploiting memories of a beloved musician is going to aid in that, then they're only doing their jobs. One could argue that all Activision did was present players with a playable Kurt Cobain, and what they chose to do with it is up to them. After all, You don't HAVE to play as Kurt for non-Nirvana songs, and if the option to do so was a concern maybe ol' Courney Love-Cobain (ever notice the "Cobain" is only ever added for emphasis when dealing with Nirvana related business? It's like an exclamation point...) should've read over the contracts before signing them. You'd never see Paul McCartney and John Lennon tag-teaming a Megadeth song along side cartoon characters, and for good reason - they have an iron clad team of professionals working to preserve their respective estates, and poor Kurt has, well...Courtney Love(-Cobain!) to tend to his.

The fact that she's now trying to sue Activision, after the fact, is pretty ridiculous. Sure, Activision are facilitating besmerchment, but that's not a crime. I mean, You don't need a video game to make Kurt Cobain look foolish if you really want to. All you need is an imagination, and no matter how hard she tries, Courtney Love cannot sue your imagination.

Like look, Here's Kurt Cobain LITTERING.

Hows that? That do anything for ya? Well, how about this - Here's Kurt Cobain knocking over a child's snowman. Such a dick move!

I think the bottom line is: Just because you can make Kurt Cobain sing and emote like Gavin Rossdale doesn't mean you should. I don't know if it's as a result of the internet, or if the internet is just bringing a preexisting facet of the human condition more out in the open, but the Can/Should ratio in people's common sense is starting to get seriously warped.

Hey!....Here's Ghandi kicking a baby!!

I'm onto you, Hollywood. OR: Ashlee Simpson-Wentz's Maternity style!!!!1

2009-09-22T00:50:00.003-04:00

I just got finished watching the delightful indie (if not indie-styled) film "Away We Go" starring former SNLer and Rental Maya Rudolf, playing a 30-something expectant mother. Opposite her is the guy who plays the "Tim" Character on the US version of the Office ("Jim"), John Krasinski as her quirky (but not in an trite indie film kind of way) but overall likable boyfriend. It was very capably written by Dave Eggers of "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" fame (who also co-wrote the upcoming pant-crappingly awesome looking "Where the wild things Are") and his wife.

I found the film really enjoyable. Both leads give strong performances, and smaller standout roles from Alison Janney and Maggie Gyllenhaal are particularly well done. It was able to hit that hard to reach balance, like Juno before it, between being laugh out loud funny but also really touching and sweet.

But it got me to thinking...many of my favorite films of the past few years, from the aforementioned Juno to Knocked Up (the "36 Chambers" of Apatow films) and now this one all seem to have a common theme: Fashionable young go-getters getting accidentally pregnant and keeping the child.

Does Hollywood secretly fear that there aren't enough young hipsters breeding? Do indie film makers fear that if they're not diligent, in a single generation their genre's entire demographic could be wiped out? Was Mike Judge's fabulous "Idiocracy" sabotaged by Hollywood for hitting this concept too on the nose? Is there a conspiracy to make Pregnancy hip? Will Urban outfitters soon sprout maternity departments?

Well, hate to let you down, secret shadowy Hollywood overlords, but I know one person your little plot will not be working on: Me.

I'm not going to be the second lead character who hears of his entire life being flushed down a toilet and reacts quirkily, or with hilarious flippantness. I've learned a lot from movies; I never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line, and I never turn around to look when things explode behind me, but this is where I draw the line. My foot is down. I absolutely refuse. Sure, it may look like one of life's madcap adventures in the movies, but in real life it sounds downright horrifying to me.

If a some sort of supernatural magic entity, like a Genie, or Cris Angel (that douche) came to me and said I had a choice between being told that I'm responsible for a baby, OR that 1 random night in the next calender month, my house would be violently invaded, you know what I would do? I'd go out the next day and buy a high quality baseball bat, and a couple feet of barbed wire. I'd wrap the barbed wire around the tip of the bat, keep it close by. Then, I would sleep soundly for the next 30 days with the calming reassurance that within a month everything will be back to normal.

Here's an artists rendering:

You heard it here first: 2 minutes of frightened bat assault far outweighs raising a child.

Just something I heard recently... OR: Prove that this isn't factual.

2009-09-02T15:43:00.002-04:00

Hey, did any of you heard that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990?
Apparently Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990.

I mean, OK, I guess it's just a rumor that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990, but Glenn Beck has yet to come out and prove to the world that he didn't rape and murder a girl in 1990, so I'm inclined to believe that Glenn Beck, did indeed rape and murder a girl in 1990.

More as this develops...

For YOU! OR: humbled, but back intact.

2009-09-01T14:45:00.001-04:00

In a fairly recent episode of SMODcast, Kevin Smith and guest host Macolm Ingram, a local Torontonain film maker and bear, were dicussing Malcolm's disapproval of the "Biforcated cock community" (Kevin's words) and what Kevin percieved as in-fighting, from one sexual minority towards another. Malcolm argued that it was like NAMBLA wanting to march in the gay pride parade-He didn't want them waving his flag, for him to be under their umbrella. An understandable argument, and one that was one of my first thoughts when approaching the Metro Toronto Convention centre, for this years ~~Comic Con~~ Fan Expo. Just as not all sexual fetishes are equal, neither are all nerds, and the more fuzzy bear ears and make-up I saw, the less felt comfortable being under that umbrella.

I've been going to the comic con for years. Back when it actually WAS called the Toronto Comic Con. Then HobbyStar marketing, the event organizers, decided quite literally to put all their eggs in one basket, combining the Comic, Gaming, Horror, Sci-Fi and (*sigh*) Manga events into one, and rechristening it the "Fan Expo". It brings out a lot more people, and it means you can catch a glimpse of the Soup Nazi charging money for autographs on your way to the bathroom. Some of the costumes are pretty cool, but for every hot girl dressed as Supergirl, or shockingly accurate Ghostbuster you see, theres about 20 pale basement dwellers dressed as obscure final fantasy characters. By entering the convention floor, Hobbystar has basically entered you into an enviroment where you and this guy are peers. Contemporaries. Ugh.

But, apart from the occasional bout of self righteousness, having to say "paaaaaar-don me" as you inch past someone with a gigantic cardboard n' tinfoil sword, and having to deal with comic book guys*, the convention is a good time for a guy like me. Free junk, cheap(er) comics, earthy aromas, what's not to like?

Oh, and I almost got into an altercation with 80s Wrestler "The Iron Sheik".

The Comic Con/Fan expo has this weird effect, where even if you've been there for 3 hours, you'll still turn around a corner and see an entire row that you missed. One such turn, landed me 2 feet away the aforementioned Hulk Hogan rival and symbol of 1980s Iranophobia, Mr. Sheik. Sitting next to him was fellow 80s wrestler, Elvis look-alike and challenging video game character, the "Honky Tonk Man". Taken aback, I continued to walk past both gentlemen, before turning around to snap a candid photo of the two doing their thing. A souvenir of my chance encounter. It was at this point that several shouting men descended upon me. Evidently, taking a photo was not a good idea. Before I knew it 3 guys had circled me. One guy would shout something and the Another guy would repeat what the first guy shouted. It was like if Chuck D. and Flavor Flav were circus carnies.

"Get a Picture!"
"GET A PICTURE!!"
"Let me take your bag"
"LET HIM TAKE YOUR BAG"
"He's a Legend!"
"HE'S A LEGEND!!".

They were grabbing at my bag and nudging me in the direction of Iron Sheik. Iron Sheik, who had been mid-pitch to someone else at the time ("You want picture with me and that fucking gay faggot Hulk Hogan?"), stopped his pitch and looked at me menacingly. Honky Tonk Man, taking a cue from Sheik, did the same. So now I'm 2 feet away from a couple of 80s wrestlers giving me the stare-down with 3 of their handlers poking and prodding me into taking a $25 photo.
"uh, no, no thank you, sorry, no thanks, sorry, I'm set thanks, no thanks" and I got the fuck out of there. I mean, it's not to say that I thought that Iron Sheik was going to get me in the Camel Clutch and make me humble, but I've never been one for hard sell situations, and this was about as hard sell as it comes.

Remember that scene in "The Wrestler" where Randy "The Ram" Robinson is working a small town wrestling convention in a school gym, and there's barely anyone there? Just a bunch of injured old wrestlers selling DVDs and 8x10s? It was really sad wasn't it? That memorable scene is now the African child with bugs on his face of the wrestling community. "These men took slams for years...for YOU, and now you can pay them back right now!" I heard one of the shouters say to the crowd. It's funny, because I didn't realize I currently owed a debt to professional wrestlers. I was under the impression they were doing it of their own accord and were making at-worst a comfortable living in their day. Had I known the couple hours of wrestling I was able to sneak past my parents would come back as money owed, 20 years later at a place I went to buy comic books, I wouldn't have tuned in.
What's next? "Patrick Duffy publicly humiliated himself pretending to be sexually attracted to Suzanne Somers for YOU!! Pay him back!!" while I'm at the Post Office?
Granted, the fact that I attempted to take a free picture of the pair means I clearly had a perverse interest, but I don't think vague interest should equal monetary obligation.

* By "Comic book guys" I don't mean the noble comic enthusiast/collector/etc. I'm of course referring to the admittedly dying breed that is the comic book retail guys, as perfectly encompassed on The Simpsons. The kind of greedy, mean spirited businessmen that can convince themselves that any single issue of a modern comic is worth over a hundred dollars, and that charging US cover price is a limited time convention deal-of-the-century. May they one day be crushed under the weight of their chromium halo-foil variant covers and Magic: The Gathering cards.

Felt 3 Update!! OR: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but...

2009-08-31T14:31:00.003-04:00

Did I not say?
I don't mean to toot my own horn, but did I not say?

Felt 3: A Tribute to Rosie Perez.
Produced by Aesop Rock.

I called it.

ps. This will be my last post on the subject, at least 'till the album drops, as I don't want to come off as a Rhymesayers street teamer or something, this is just something I'm really excited about hearing. The preview single is, in the parlence of Kevin Federline circa 2004, "The Fire".
In case you missed my hotlink the first time, Cop it HERE.

The Worst! Or: the "in the theatre" part is accounting for "Last Days".

2009-08-21T15:44:00.005-04:00

On this, the evening I will experience a new film by Quentin Tarantino, the man who has crafted some of my very favorite films, I will tell you the story of one that's not only polar opposite, but also timely as it's recently reared it's ugly head. Simply put: The worst movie I've ever seen in a movie theatre.

It was a more innocent time, the summer of 2008. This very blog was in it's infancy, The democrats were deciding between a charismatic black man and a shrewish old harpie in a pant-suit, and the world had become enamored with a young, well fed Michael Phelps. I was wandering around the ~~ScotiaBank Theatre~~ Paramount, I believe there to make use of their bathroom facilities on one of my many marathon walks, when a woman approached me with a clipboard. I don't remember what her exact pitch was, but it was something to the effect of "Do you like these movies" and on her clipboard read the following:

Knocked Up
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
Wedding Crashers
Napoleon Dynamite

and a few more. I liked all of these movies*. I believe she also asked me if I liked Micheal Madsen. "Sure, who doesn't?" She then offered me free tickets to a test screening of a new Michael Madsen comedy, thats stylistically in the same vein as the movies listed on the sheet.
Sounds awesome, right?

A couple weeks later, we arrived in a timely fashion as part of a completely packed audience. Evidently, there are a lot of people out there who like the idea of a free movie. What I also noticed was the variety of demographics represented. I even noticed a cute elderly couple, in their 80s if a day, a couple of rows behind us. We were all ready for a good time at the movies.

The movie we saw was called "You might as well live". It centers around a completely unlikable character named Robert Mutt, whom I'm sure the writers thought would come off as endearing a la Napoleon Dynamite, but ends up just being loathsome. Michael Madsen's character, a bit-part at best, is Clinton Manitoba a childhood hero of Mutt's, who doesn't show up till 2/3rds into the movie. The movie takes Mutt from a mental ward, to an S&M party, to being a drug mule, and many other over the top situations all on a journey to "be somebody". Highlights include gratuitous penis shots, and watching Robert Mutt take a shit into a tire. The gross-out humor fell so flat, I found myself feeling embarrassed for the elderly couple who had been duped into watching it.

When the credits rolled and the lights came up, I noticed something; Of the 300 capacity theatre, about 40 people remained till the end of the movie and received comment cards.

Theres a moment in the overlooked film "What Just Happened?" where a film producer played by Robert DeNiro, looks over the comment cards from a test screening, and to his shock the comments are uniformly, aggressively negative. About 45 minutes into this movie, I knew the only reason I was staying was to do my part as a test audience member, and the rip this movie apart on my comment card, for the betterment of mankind.

When the time came, I ripped it a new asshole, and while feeling that I had wasted 2 hours, I left content that at least that terrible movie will never see the light of day.

Cut to last week, when while walking to work, I noticed this looking me in the face...

It took them over a year, but it looks like it's actually coming out.

Long story short: Avoid this movie like an STD. You've been warned.

* Napoleon Dynamite to a much lesser extent than the rest. In fairness, it's due to factors having nothing much to do with the initial watching experience. The film itself is quirky and funny, but the amount of people immitating the character (see also:Austin Powers, Ace Ventura & Borat), and the amount of film makers who think a few quirky characters and a hand-writing font makes a good movie (and the studios that fund them) have soured my overall opinion of it.

Murs+Slug is the group, but Felt is the fabric OR: Izzuzu Troopah!

2009-08-19T13:45:00.005-04:00

It was announced this week that LA indie-rap living legend Murs would be teaming up with 1 half of Minnasoda's Atmosphere, Slug for for the 3rd in their series of tributes, Felt 3.

Each one of the previous releases was a "tribute" to an actress who was (at the point of release) out of the public eye. The first, produced by Living Legends' The Grouch was "A Tribute to Christina Ricci". The second, was produced by Atmosphere's Ant, and was "A Tribute to Lisa Bonet" (with comic book accompaniment by Jim Mahfood).

On the third release they've decided to have fun with the fans and be secretive about who the producer is and who the tribute is going to be to.

Murs + ? + Slug = Felt 3: A Tribute to _____ _____.

hmmmmmmm.

Well, before it's revealed, I'll put in my guess and see if it turns out being right. The producer has been heavily rumored to be everyone from Wu Tang's The RZA to Jake One to rapper Aesop Rock, but the actress is completely up in the air.

My guess:

Murs + Aesop Rock + Slug = Felt 3: A Tribute to Rosie Perez.

We'll see!!

In the mean time, get the new track "Protagonists" HERE (Right-Click, "Save As...")

Bloggin' 'Bout BagsOR: and yet bottled water's popularity holds sway

2009-08-17T11:53:00.005-04:00

The most beautiful thing you've ever seen will cost you a mere five cents.

This is going to be hard to believe, But in the interest of full disclosure, I am not a professional blogger, Artist or Rock Star (I know! Crazy!) I currently hold down a retail position at a record store. It's an interesting time for music retail - The phrase "polishing the brass on the titanic" comes to mind. But alas, that's another discussion for another day. What I am here to rap with the kids about is plastic bags.

As recently as about 2 months ago, Ontario passed a by-law requiring all businesses that use plastic bags to charge a minimum of 5 cents for each bag, in an effort to curb plastic bag usage.
Ring the bells and sound the alarms: Something that was once free is free no longer!!

Now, reasonable people would merely shrug this off, see that it's for the greater good of the environment and adjust accordingly. But reasonable people are not a downtown chain record store's primary demographic. The rise of downloading and iTunes has changed not only the volume of customer, but the attitudes in customers as well. Now a days people already have a built-in indignance when it comes to actually paying for music, movies and the like. Most have found other ways to get their music (legal or otherwise). So, slowly but surely, it's the people who are ignorant or frightened of technology or change that are becoming the most visible percentage of customers.
Simply put, We deal in crazies (and the elderly).
and let me tell you, Crazies don't like paying no damn nickel for no damn plastic bag.

Reactions are varied, but almost always negative.
When asked, some puff their chests and loudly exclaim "Nope! No sir!" as if they're the Rosa Parks of plastic bags, and it's a badge of honor to carry their season of Murphy Brown under their arm like a library book. Some decline as if their far more sly than to to be foiled by my clever ruse, smiling at me, heads slightly cocked back as if to say "I'm onto you." Others are far more accusatory in their refusal; "Not if YOU'RE going to CHARGE me!!", like I'm pocketing the money myself, all a part of a grand scheme to get all Oprah rich, 1 nickel at a time, and all below the radar of my corporate overlords.

It's a curious set of circumstances. A lot of people will roll their eyes and groan if they see me break stride to bend over to pick up a nickel off the sidewalk. "Look at this cheap bastard" they say. But when the same sum of money is being asked of them at a cash register, they're shocked and appalled. They hold onto their nickels with such a firm grip like it's their newborn autistic child and I'm asking them to smash it's face with a hammer.

I'm not saying everyone should buy a bag, quite the opposite, just be aware that it's now the law, and adjust accordingly. And if one day should you decide to buy something on impulse and or otherwise not have a bag on you, don't act like it's the poor sales clerk's fault. Because he might be a blogger, and might get angry enough to make fun of you. Publicly. Online. So there.

Helllooo-oo-oo-oo...? Or: ...

2009-08-14T17:29:00.003-04:00

Just posting a couple of videos to see if anyone is still listening/reading...

2 "Regulars", 1 "African from an Asian country"

5th Grade Reporter Damon Weaver interviews "Tall and Nice" President Obama

Aaaaanyways... For those who care: Blog returns Monday.

Sunday Sunday Sunday!! OR: 3D Up, Hiding Tuffs and Bruno Goes Down

2009-06-02T17:35:00.007-04:00

Sunday was interesting for many reasons. After work I decided that two days having gone by without seeing the newest Pixar movie was two too many, and went and saw UP!

Drizzling that extra helping of “aw neat!” on top, was going to see it in 3-D. Having not seen anything in 3D for a number of years, the 3D content which amounted to 2 Trailers, followed by the mandatory Pixar short, followed by the film, were all breathtaking. There were no dramatic pointing/throwing things at the audience, as the film wasn't made specifically for 3D, but it gave the scenery that much more pop and depth, and for a film that's set primarily either in the air, or in the wilderness, it really works wonders. Also, with the newer 3D technology, gone are the ~~Meth~~ blue 'n' Red 3D glasses, replaced with much cooler Wayfarer-styled plastic specs, which I kept.

The film itself is, as expected, totally heartwarming. If you don't walk out of there with a smile on your face, you're basically probably a dick. Just sayin'.
It has one of those lump-in-your-throat moments, a la Bambi's mom, it has a lot of silly laughs, and a ton of heart. Also, it pretty much goes without saying, but the animation is stunning. The way they've mastered things like hair, and textures and fabrics is something to behold. Another thing I like about Pixar is, while they're all profitable big budget Hollywood pictures, they also never seem like anything is shoehorned into the story for the purposes of marketability. Never does the whole narrative break down so Elton John can sing a song, or so they can introduce the 10th auxiliary character that's now available in stuffed animal form, and while Pixar soundtrack albums and toys do exist, they do a much better job of making the story of the film come first. They may never outdo The Incredibles for me, in terms of a subject matter being close to my heart, but UP is definitely another notch in Pixar's impressive winning streak.

On the way home, I opted to walk down a oddly baron Queen West and through Trinity Bellwoods park. Once I was about half a block away I saw 2 cop cars parked in the middle of a grassy area to the right, with their lights flashing. “Well” I said to myself “At least I'll feel safer going through the park”. When I say “safer” I don't mean I'm concerned about violence, I just mean that there's less of a chance of catching an unsavory looking public sex act out of the corner of my eye when there are so many cops around. So I walked up the stairs and continued on my way home. The park was, like Queen Street, sort of unnervingly quiet and free of people. I looked a bit further ahead and noticed more police cars, parked with their lights on, stationed throughout the park. And then more. And then more.
Once I was about to exit the park I was at a fork in the road, and I noticed the police had barricaded the end of each street with police cars parked sideways. “What have I just walked into and why didn't anyone stop me from walking through it” I wondered.
Here's an artist's rendering:

Once I exited onto Shaw, I saw an officer blocking off a small gap in the street's island with a motorcycle. I imagined him to be the badass rebel of the police force. “I work alone.” he'd say with a quiet intensity, silently recalling the one time he messed up and got his last true partner killed, one day before his impending retirement. “You're a loose cannon, Walarski!” the Chief would shout, getting an excellent view from behind his desk. “But you get results.”

I slowly walked over to him and began to explain “Look, if this is about the 3D glasses, I'll gladly give them ba--” he then cut me off “Where are you coming from, Buddy?”.
This jarred me. I was not his buddy.
“Um, just walked through Trinity Bellwoods...”
“Trinity Bellwoods” he repeated. “Where are you headed?”
“Home - College and Shaw”
“College and Shaw” He again repeated to himself, my confidence in his badassery waning with each repeat.
“So....Whats going on?” I asked.
“Well, theres some guys with guns in the area, we're trying to find them.”
“Oh.”

He then instructed me to talk an alternate, sort of pain-in-the-ass route home, making sure to walk down the middle of the street, with my hands out of my pockets. From there on, the remaining 10 minutes or so of diverted walking, I passed maybe 6 more police cars, all giving me the eye. I don't know if they ever caught the “Guys with Guns” in question, but I hope Walarski got him, and then drove his motorcycle through a plate glass window and then a moving train, and it turned out the guys with the guns killed his partner so he was all “mendozaaaaaaaaa” and got his just revenge, then walked the earth without a sense of purpose... But I digress...

Once I had returned to my stately manor and logged onto the internets, it was abuzz with talk of a single moment from that night. Twitter, Facebook, Digg & message boards were all chattering away about one single thing, and that single thing was this:

As I imagine you've all seen by now, The Andy Kaufman of our time, Sasha Baron Cohen ended up shoving his bare asshole into the face of a very pissed off Eminem. Was it staged? Was Eminem in on the joke? The message boards and Twitter accounts were feverishly dissecting the clip. Many people were quick to call Eminem a Homophobe, which, may or may not be the case (he's certainly done things that make cases for either sides of the argument) but using this scenario as proof of his homophobia is a pretty flimsy argument. Within the context of the clip, and it being not planned out, I don't think reacting badly towards someone unexpectedly throwing their bare asshole to within inches of your face qualifies as homophobia. Richard Simmons would have reacted the same way. Would rimming him have been the "PC" thing to do?

But either way, it turns out Eminem was totally in on it, and the whole thing was meticulously staged, and even dress rehearsed. In a blog post that's apparently since been taken down, head writer Scott Aukerman said:

"Yes, the Bruno/Eminem incident was staged. That's all anyone wants to talk about, so let's get it out of the way. They rehearsed it at dress and yes, it went as far as it did on the live show then. Okay, you can stop reading this blog now!"

So, there that is.

Between heartwarming 3D animated joy, to guys with guns, to Bruno's anus, Sunday night was fun.

I think I can beat Mike Tyson OR: My life in Math

2009-04-13T15:41:00.008-04:00

As it stands, I'd put myself firmly on the "casual" side of video gaming. I get myself a new console approx. every 1 1/2 console cycles or so, and usually purchase no more than about 5 games for it. But it wasn't always this way. Some of my fondest childhood memories involve Nintendo's classic little grey box. I can remember the winter after "The Wizard" came out, finally getting my hands on Super Mario Bros. 3 (the WiiFit of that era, in terms of calculated hype and even more calculated hard-to-findedness), sitting listening to my also recently obtained cassette of Kid N Play's "Funhouse" album over and over and trying to master SMB3. I don't know that I ever did. Then, and still now, I lack sticktoitiveness. But it's the journey, not the destination, right? I knew what happened. Bowser fell through bricks, the Princess was something of a cock tease, See you all next year.
Regardless, this was the equation for fun, back in '90:

Now that I'm a little older, a little wiser, and my tastes have gotten more sophisticated, the same equation has now more like this:

At this point, I think I should mention to my readers, and my mum, that that last scandalous mathematical equation was a joke.
The truth, albeit less exciting is a lot more like this:

...or even more recently, much to my own shame for being so in line with my particular age demographic:

ANYways, math problems aside, I'm a pretty limited gamer these days. Of the current gen systems, I only have a Wii. There are only a handful a series' I care about, and I only recently (like 2 weeks ago) found a first person shooter¹ that I actually liked. Although, One title I've consistently found myself returning to, with the same enthusiasm and zeal as when I first played it, is the NES's "Mike Tyson²'s Punch Out!!".
Which is why I'm so excited to see this:

Even after the releases of Street Fighter 4 (PS3 & 360), Grand Theft Auto 4 (PS3 & 360) & Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe (PS3 & 360) I'm happy I chose to get a Wii, because of games like this. Also, I've still never beat the original. Piston Honda is a vengeful rat bastard. But maybe with this new incarnation, I'll finally have my much sought after glory. I may even buy a pair of these.

Oh, It's on.

¹ Which is the dominant genre in video gaming these days. A lot has been said about what that says about us as a culture, that facilitating fantasies of murder; simply running around various terrains with various weapons shooting the crap out of each other, are the most popular games in the multi-billion dollar gaming industry. But, from where I'm standing it comes down to this: After smoking weed, sneaking up on someone and shooting them in the dick is FUCKING FUNNY. It absolutely never gets old. However, It could just as easily be a pie throwing game, where you could sneak up and pie people, and it would provide the same level of comedy and satisfaction. However, they don't make that game, and until they do, we're stuck with guns and war and bloodiness. C'est la vie.

² Even though, as Mike Tyson isn't (and perhaps never was) a good character to put into a PG rated kid's video game, and Nintendo has removed all trace of him from subsequent re-releases, sequels and virtual console releases, it'll always be "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!" to me.
For more on Mike Tyson, check out this interesting documentary/extended interview HERE. It was brought to my attention to ?uestlove of The Roots, and his every-10-minutes Twitter account.

Gettin' my prolific on Or: Writes on Writes!!

2009-04-08T23:21:00.000-04:00

I've been doing my best to keep writing in recent days, but not very much of the output seems to be landing on this lowly blog. But don't fret, this will not be just abandoned like Mambo About Masonry (Just playing, REAL TALK - Mark is currently killing it on both SHARP for men, and The Format, so you know, he's a little busy). I've been working on a few projects, and there are a few new sites I've been contributing to. (and then there's that movie script...)

Last week, the cleverly named Punk News site, Punknews.org published a review of Atmosphere's "When Life Gives You Lemons...", which can be found HERE.

I've also started writing reviews on businesses and restaurants for Yelp.ca . You can see my review of colorful Queen West staple Michael's Restaurant HERE, and another review of my favorite spot for food in all of California, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, HERE.

Also, I wrote another fun Hamburger review for HamBlogger, which should be going up any second now...*cough*

So, I've been keeping busy on the writing front, but I hope to have more of it be on here. So keep checking back, and I'll actually finish more of the things I start. Honest engine. Freals. Real Talk.

SNIKT! OR: How to avoid disappointment while watching Wolverine (Workprint edition)

2009-04-06T16:28:00.009-04:00

(I should mention, for anyone who has a vested interest in seeing Xmen Origins: Wolverine in the theatre, you may want to avoid this post. There are only minor spoilers ahead, mainly in reguard to the movie being a disappointment, but if you want to go into it fresh, maybe stop here)

I, like many other people in the early morning of this years April fools day, came across a link on their Pirate site of choice, which apparently lead to a leaked work print of the new X-Men Origins: Wolverine. "What? This has got to be a joke..." I remember thinking as I clicked the link, getting myself ready to watch some Rick Astley.

But then the movie started, and the rest, they say, is the biggest leak in history.

Now, as Iron Man and Dark Knight showed us, it's really not that hard to do a comic book movie that will remain at least halfway faithful to the comic. In the case of Jon Favreau's Iron Man especially, making little nods to longtime comic fans is half of the charm in that movie.
XO:Wolverine does not do that. At all.
Deadpool never makes a 4-th wall breaking quip about being in a movie, Emma Frost doesn't use any telepathy, and to paraphrase Simon Pegg; the Blob makes X-3's Rick-Jamesian Juggernaut look like Ice Cube from Boyz N The Hood.

But, that doesn't make the movie unwatchable.
You just need to keep a few things in mind while watching.
So, if you have any foreknowledge of the comics, or possess some semblance of common sense, and plan to watch the leaked workprint of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, heres a few pointers to make the film more enjoyable:

Pretend Will.i.am isn't Will.i.am, but a friend of yours. That way you A) won't feel stupid for watching a movie featuring the terrible acting of the guy who wrote "my humps", and B) you'll be stoked to see your friend in a major motion picture.
Use your mind's Charlie Brown filter, and instead of making teachers sound like Trombones, make anyone who says the word "DeadPool" say "Another mutant who is in no way connected to DeadPool". The character in the film is only Deadpool in name only, so if you can filter that out, you're golden.Also, give Gambit an accent of some sort while you're at it.
Ignore the part where they say the only way to kill Wolverine is with an adamantium bullet like he's the fucking wolf man. I mean, the movie itself contradicts that statement later on anyways.
It should go without saying that suspention of disbelief is essential to enjoying a comic book movie, but suspension of common sense is sometimes essential for this one. So, when someone describes a "deserted secret island", just take it for granted that ambulances and fire trucks can drive there, and people can walk on and off of it (despite originally getting there via jumping out of a plane).
Actually, remember when I said to pretend DeadPool is "Another mutant besides Deadpool"? Maybe instead make that "Cybernetic Robot version of Baraka from Mortal Kombat II". Just tell yourself that William Styker is a big MK fan from back in the day and made a giant robot Baraka as a means of dispatching Wolverine. Then When he watches everything through ~~Deadpool~~ ~~Another Mutant~~ Robo-Baraka's eyes like POV porn and commands him with c:/ prompts, it won't seem so batshit ridiculous.
Also, if you're aware of them, forget anything you may know about the fate of Agent Hoover in Preacher, or the death of Darth Maul in Star Wars episode 1. This will make endings for certain characters presented in XO:Wolverine seem original (and with lazer beams!!)

Well, I think that about covers it. I've probably come off alot more like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons as usual in this little diatribe, but I do this for your benefit. Enjoy the movie!

Quick one while he's away bored OR: New Taglines!

2009-04-03T18:33:00.002-04:00

It's another one of my over abundance of days off, and the weather outside makes me feel like I live in the Pacific Northwest as oppose to Downtown Toronto. I know I've talked shit on S.A.D. in the past, but lousy weather really can be a good demotivator, and when you're as lazy as I am, you'll take any excuse.

Anyway, I made a couple of new tag lines (the primarily sarcastic catch phrases that appear at random under the blog's semi-nonsensical title), so hit F5 and see if you can spot the new magic.

If you're really dying for some more new writing (and really why else would you be here...), Punknews.org published another review of mine, for Atmosphere's "When Life Gives You Lemons..." album, and you can read that HERE.

Let the Right One In OR: How Hollywood can save this troublesome picture.

2009-03-28T15:20:00.004-04:00

I'd been hearing about the Swedish Vampire film "Let the Right One In" for quite a few months, and it just seemed like one of those films that got past me. I'd heard nothing but good things, but just never got around to seeing it. It got to the point where people would bring up certain plot points to me, apropos of nothing, purely under the assumption I had already seen it.

So, last night, enough was enough, I remedied the situation and watched it.

And you know what? It was one of those rare instances where the majority was right. It was totally great. It was the complete antithesis of what I imagine those fucking Twilight things are like. Beautifully shot, plenty of subtlety, complex characterization.

It was like "My Girl" with vampires.
Except replace Poetry slams with severed limbs, and blood brothers with blood feasting.

Oh, and (spoilers!) neither of the main characters get killed by fuckin' Bees.

The point is, you get the same heartwarming feeling from the film that you'd get from a kids movie, but all the decapitations and blood of a horror movie remain intact.
The perfect mix of "awww." and "AWW!!".

Apparently the subtitles on the North American release were pretty severely buggered, and the company responsible is reissuing it with the proper subs, so I look forward to rewatching it to see any differences that may reflect the overall tone of the film.

One thing I'm really looking forward to though, is the upcoming Hollywood remake. Maybe they can get Dakota Fanning (fresh off her confusing "Dakota Fanning getting raped" movie ) to play Eli and a few of of those High School Musical kids to play the bullies, and instead of a massacres, there could be auto-tune singing and dance offs. Instead of feasting on blood, Eli would have an insatiable hunger for Burger King™ combo meals. Oskar and Eli could text each other about how being 13 is the most important time in their whole lives and write TL4E on each others Disney™ Trapper Keepers.

I mean, that would solve everything wrong with the movie...

The McGangBang OR: Now I'll have to call the rest of my burgers "McSingles", like soldiers call people "Civilians"

2009-03-26T18:50:00.011-04:00

Note: This piece was originally written for, and appears on HamBlogger. Please visit HamBlogger for many more articles, musings and reviews of Burgers from correspondents around the world, both ridiculous and non-ridiculous alike.

Every once in a great while, a food product is created or invented that brings people together in their collective curiosity. Crystal Pepsi, the McRib, the Double Decker Taco, those Oreos that turned milk blue for some reason...

I can now say that food product du jour is, without question the "McGangBang". "What the devil is a McGangBang?" you ask?

Urban Dictionary describes it as:

"A double Cheeseburger and McChicken. Simply split the double cheeseburger between the two meat patties and place the McChicken in between the two meat patties and enjoy. Both dollar menu items."

Or, more simply:

As with any phenomenon born on the Internet, the history of the McGangBang is fuzzy at best, but most more prevalent theory seems to have it originated in Daytona Beach, Florida (which, if you're keeping score, means Florida birthed Limp Bizkit, the 2000 election, and now this...). It's popularity has grown leaps and bounds in past months, appearing on thisiswhyyourefat.com, Message boards and Twitter posts. Several YouTube videos have also popped up, all trying to be the first in their area to order one "by name" at a McDonalds restaurant or drive-thru, and have their order processed properly, much to the chegrin of many McEmployees. Perhaps the ultimate goal, is to have it become something all McDonalds employees know how to make, much like In-N-Out's famous "secret menu" items. The McGangBang: Ask for it by name.

After much reading up on the subject, my interest was piqued and I could wait no further. Today was the day. I was going to walk to my local McDonalds and try a McGangBang for myself.

I walked into the McDonalds, not drinking anything on the way over for fear of compromising my palette, and ruining this new taste sensation. Never has a trip to the golden arches felt so scientific. I ordered "A Double Cheese Burger and a Junior Chicken, please", and in my daydream the employees would excitedly ask "Are you making a McGangBang!?!" In reality though, the lady behind the counter held up 8 fingers and asked if I wanted 8 Double Cheeseburgers.
"Ahh, No thanks, just one."

It was a fairly busy McDonalds location this afternoon, I believe they were conducting interviews at the time, so I immediately got self conscious about not only constructing such a gluttonous sandwich, but then exacerbating the situation by taking photographs. I took the most remote seat I could find. I then sat down, carefully constructed the sandwich (the melty cheese is the biggest obstacle) and quietly snapped a few pictures. I then took a deep breath, and then took the plunge.

The first bite is confusing. Jarring, almost. You have to open you're mouth really wide. One would expect you'd be tasting mostly bun, but the flavors shine through quite well. It's alot to take in at first, But you do taste both the burger patties and the chicken, although the chicken is more subtle. You also taste ketchup and mayo and pickles. It's surprisingly tasty. The often used "It's a party in your mouth, and everyones invited!" description held true.

As I continued, I decided that unlike most of the much hyped fast food freakshow items, this actually wasn't so bad. I may live to experience one or several more McGangBangs. The look of it half eaten isn't a pretty one, but one can't argue taste. Another odd effect was how filling it was. For me, trips to McDonalds usually involve more food items than just 2 value menu burgers, but I was massively full after just one McGB (priced at a meager $2.78).

So there it is. I left the McDonalds victorious. I had heroically conquered the beast. I felt like Superman, if he had swallowed a 5-pin bowling ball.

Viva La McGangBang.

When Laughs come from a place of genuine frustration OR: Missed Connection Update!

2009-03-18T21:37:00.004-04:00

So, remember a couple of weeks ago when I posted that Craig's list Missed Connection, about the obnoxious shrieking hose-beast behind me at Edgar Wright fest (found here)?

Well, I guess more that a few people ended up liking my little rant. I got a couple of replies on craigslist, and several e-mails congratulating me on a well written piece. It got posted to official Bloor Cinema Facebook Page by the theatre's general manager. I even got one asking if it could be included in a play that someone was writing. So, needless to say, the reaction was exciting.

Although one reply still alluded me.
Not that I thought this person particularly read anything, much less the local "Missed Connections", but then a few days ago, I got this:

I am sure that i'm the girl at the Bloor

Just so you know it wasn't my phone ringing it was Rasputin from Boney M

My friend Facebook-ed me the link to your comment. he knew it was me cause he was sitting behind me..

Your message is too funny.

I don't think the marriage thing would work out but I'm not against being friends.

find me on facebook if you are on it

(She then put her name.)

Really?? Really. Huh.
Was alluding to putting her face through a wall too subtle?

A six year old with a cardboard box, selling a "frank appraisal of your looks" OR: Boycott cocaine the pissing Calvin

2009-03-16T17:16:00.006-04:00

Me, Calvin and Hobbes go way back*.
I don't remember exactly how we were first introduced, but I think it was around the 3rd grade. I became addicted to spaceman spiff, the transmogrifyer, stupendous man, the snowmen, and of course G.R.O.S.S.'s president-for-life and first tiger. Now, as someone with all the books, the hardbound collectors set, and a Calvin and Hobbes tattoo, my respect for not only the work, but the spirit and integrity of Bill Watterson has only grown in leaps and bounds over the years.

I mean here's a guy that could now be swimming in a indoor pool of gold and diamonds, for the sheer marketability of his creations. If not for Watterson's strict anti-merchandising stance, there could have been any number of TV series', shitty Sega Genesis games, stuffed replica Hobbes, etc (Garfields with suction-cup hands anyone?). But what nobody counted on was the man's admirable and steadfast integrity.
Perhaps more than anyone else, he's a guy who's hand I'd like to shake, but have such respect for his much-guarded privacy, that I wouldn't try.

In the parlance of current-day Kevin Smith, He's very Gretzky.

C+H ended off at it's peak in 1995, on a fairly wide-open yet auspicious note, leaving many to wonder what the future held for the duo.

One theory that Calvin went onto become the narrator (Or "Jack") in the book-turned-film "Fight Club" was theorized by Mr. Galvin P. Chow and grew in popularity over the internet. While I'm sure it's not not what Watterson nor Palahnuik had in mind exactly, but the correlations are too many to not be an amusing read. You can find that theory in "You do Not talk about Fight Club" or in it's original place of publish HERE.

Others use Calvin's imagination for cheap gags regarding his coming of age years. (here and here)

and lastly there was this picture, Posted in the Digg community, that I think has come closest to the Magic of the original comic...

Unlike Jay-Z, Michael Jordan or the Get-Up Kids, whose retirements didn't take, or were never meant to, Bill Watterson will likely never revisit Calvin and Hobbes. Whether it's Bill Russel level curmudgeonry, or a desire to not see his magnum opus pimped out like Charles Shultz or Jim Davis before him, or just an admirable commitment to artistic integrity, it seems now after just over 13 years, it's safe to say Watterson is happily retired.
But it's a true testament to it's lasting impression that we've now gone longer since Calvin and Hobbes ended than we had with them, and people still want to know whats happening with the imaginative six year old and his stuffed companion.

* Unintentional Pun.

Coffee? OR: Bordom breeds passive contempt

2009-03-02T19:43:00.003-05:00

Recently I attended Bloor Cinema's launch of the Toronto's "Wright Stuff" film series, curated by Mr. Edgar Wright, director of Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and a series thats very dear to my heart, the wonderful Spaced.
Launch night was a double bill of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, and it was there that I had a missed connection with the woman of my ~~nightmares~~ dreams.

You sat behind me at Saturday's Edgar Wright double bill at the Bloor Cinema. I didn't notice you during Shaun of the Dead, which I was able to enjoy with relative peace. You came into my world during Hot Fuzz, a movie which you clearly enjoy, as you felt it necessary to shout every line at the screen as it was happening, in a hackneyed british accent. Everytime I thought you might have left or passed out, I'd be blissfully reminded with a clever shriek of "HOMOS!!" or "YEAH BOOBS!!" that would penetrate my soul and cause my fists to clench uncontrolably. Your intolerable wails continued for the duration of the film, your shrill, piercing squawks accenting every joke of Mr. Wright's film. My attention couldn't help but be divided between trying to enjoy the film, and trying to conceive of a way to tell you to shut the fuck up without the guy you were with getting all alpha-male on me and defending your honor. By the end of it all I would have rather listened to the death rattle of a newborn baby than another one of your abhorrent screams.

But then the strangest thing happened. I think it was around the time your cell phone wouldn't stop going off during Edgar's Q&A, that I realized I didn't want to put your face through a wall, so much as I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I imagined a lifetime of ruined movies. All my DVDs would now have an extra unwanted commentary track, and take on whole new miserable meanings. We would get married and go on long walks on the beach where you would shout "BULLSHIT!!" at sunrises. We would go to funerals of loved ones, where you could scream "Hurry up, Faggots!" at the pallbearers.

It would be a life where silence was an abstract concept as oppose to an attainable reality. You could be the nails on my chalkboard.

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself.

Coffee?

You can find the original Missed Connection Here

Pop culture ramble # 72814 OR: Why Mickey was Robbed

2009-02-23T20:46:00.009-05:00

Watching the 81st annual Oscars last night was not nearly as painful as I had thought. Sure, Hugh Jackman's grandiose production numbers were a touch embarrassing (Wolverine doesn't sing and dance in tails, guy), but the show in and of itself wasn't that bad. Sure, it's Hollywood being self congratulatory, but everyone loves movies, and theres nothing wrong with celebrating the medium every so often. I think the worst part of any award show is the peripheral pre and post shows, where culturally bankrupt media outlets send their shallowest correspondents to try and drum up enthusiasm for celebrities and judge them based on what their stylist picked out for them to wear.

Natalie is STOKED to be photographed.

So I skipped the part where they revive Joan Rivers and drag her reanimated corpse around to sass people with actual careers (or do they just rely on bitchy overweight gays to MSpaint cum on their mouths now? thus lowering the bar even further...), and just watched the damn show.

(search for "Zombie Joan Rivers", and you get this)

Bullet Points!!

Ben Stiller's Joaquin Phoenix impression was amusing, but isn't parodying a parody a little much? Joaquin's whole Letterman fiasco couldn't have been more obviously staged (as a part of the mockumentary he's making with Casey Affleck). In parodying a movie that hasn't even been released, Stiller's kind of getting into Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer territory. Eep.
Is it just me, or was the evenings big winner, Slumdog Millionaire, just like a more mainstream accessible version of City of God?
As my title indicates, Mickey Rourke was robbed, and I think everyone knows it. Sean Penn, while a competent albeit overrated actor, was playing the part of a real person. All Penn had to do was watch the documentary about his life and learn a few of his mannerisms. The audiences pre-awareness of the actual person does the leg work. It's basically just doing an impression. Whereas Mickey had to invent a character. Perhaps Randy "The Ram" Robinson doesn't have the same kind of depth as Harvey Milk, but The Ram was a total fuck up, and Mickey Rourke made you care about him. I had more invested in The Ram in half of 1 movie than I did in Rocky after 6 movies.

Plus, who else can rock not only a pinky ring, but Dentures with a silver tooth??
I mean really.

Heres the acceptence speech from his win at the independant spirit awards, why couldn't this have happened at the oscars? damn...
And lastly...

Well deserved.

What If: Forrest Gump led a rag tag group of soldiers OR: Oh Hi, Inglorious Basterds Trailer!

2009-02-12T12:35:00.002-05:00

So THIS is what Quentin Tarantino has been doing when he isn't busy not making the motherfucking Kill Bill special edition fucking DVD, already.

heh, Hitler.
Neat.

21st Century Breakdown OR: Can Banksy sue people?

2009-02-10T13:49:00.002-05:00

Not sure how I feel about the title/cover. From what I've heard (and now seen) it's shaping up to cover many of the same themes as American Idiot.

That said, new music from Green Day is never not exciting.

The Cheese went bad OR: Hey, Fuck You Michael Cera!

2009-01-24T23:28:00.007-05:00

Imagine a world where people have memories 2 months long. Where sheer repetition is applauded and mediocrity holds sway. Imagine a world where people absolutely never tire of stories featuring nervous, awkward 19-24 year old protagonists.

This is the world in which Michael Cera lives.

The AV club reported this week as a part of their "Weekly Buzzkills" (on a story that MTV news picked up on) that apparently Michael Cera continues to be the lone hold-out on the much anticipated "Arrested Development" movie. Apparently now that he's a big movie star, he has better things to do that appease the very people who got him there.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed his stuff thus far (I mean cripes, I was Paulie Bleeker for Halloween), but I imagine he thinks that people are never going to get sick of him playing a nervous kid in his late teens or early twenties. That theres a never ending torrent of scripts being mailed to right his front door where he just needs to show up and be charmingly befuddled. But, the truth is he's been stretching whats basically 1 character for an entire TV show run, 3 big movies and a web series.

Not even Pauly Shore kept peoples interest with 1 character for that long.
Some actors can, but Michael Cera isn't Woody Allen, or even Stephen Wright. He's Pauly Shore, and right now is about time that the short-lived "Pauly" is being canceled and people are starting to go "...you know what? Fuck the Weasel!"

"Well, maybe he's TRYING to get away from that one character, hence not wanting to reprise it in an Arrested Development Movie..."

I hear you Italics, but now that the cat's already been let out of the bag, it's kind of a bitch move to not do the movie. I mean, Bill Murray has been nominated for an Oscar, and is still down for Ghostbusters 3, and this guy is too too cool for school already?

What he should do is triumphantly return to the role that thrust him into the spotlight, and then move onto being a jittery bomb disarmer or badass with a heart of gold eskimo fireman, or a Jive Talking Robot , or whatever the devil it is he wants to do. Retire the awkward teen, but not before you send George Michael Bluth out with a bang. It's well deserved. He's been waiting for a bang for several years now. Make it happen.

ps. I should also mention: If this post contains anything that may bother, or be in any way disagreeable to one Miss. Ellen Page, I can take it down. Seriously. I don't mean to dis your boy. Nothing but love for ya, boo.

Oh No You Didn't! OR: YES WE DID

2009-01-20T14:12:00.005-05:00

As I write this I'm just arriving home from watching Barack Obama's historic inauguration at a jam-packed Bloor Cinema, with chants of "Yes We Can" from fellow jubilant onlookers still ringing in my ears (along with the less rousing "We will, We will Barack You!"). While not quite Washington, I felt as close as I could be with the thousand or so people watching, cheering, booing and laughing. It was a celebration (bitches).

What was most surprising was not only the sheer amount of people, but also the diversity in the crowd. Not only were there the expected college-age political nerds and abroad Americans, but also many elderly folk, business types, toddlers in OBEY-styled Obama shirts and even a school field trip or two.

Seeing it with a crowd really emphasized many of the more memorable moments; The unabashed cheering when Obama was sworn in. The laughs provided by the bible big enough to bludgeon an infant to death with that Joe Biden used to be sworn in on. The boos, hisses and chants that accompanied every shot of now ex-president George w. Bush, and that purple and yellow scarf/turtleneck combo that made him resemble a Batman Villain. Most of all the heartfelt applause that trailed every line of Obama's first speech as President.

It was definitely a morning I didn't regret getting out of bed early for.
Heres to the next 4 years being better than the last 8.

- Matt,
Self-appointed Canadian Ambassedor for Good-Times, Obama Adminestration

ps.

I shot this video for all who couldn't attend. The Oath and subsequent reaction. Enjoy!

2008 OR: "Go On..."

2009-01-08T17:58:00.006-05:00

Hey Kids!

Did you miss me during my completely planned 2-week sabbatical? I know I failed to mention the break any time beforehand, but rest assured, I didn't just get busy with other things like the holidays, moving and a subsequent bout of illness. I wouldn't do that to you. I would always find time to blog (I wish the same could be said for that lazy little scamp over at Mambo about Masonry...).

Anyways, long before I ever had a blog (or Al Gore gave us the Internet), I would always make Top 10 lists. About everything. Me and Rob Gordon from High Fidelity were very much kindred spirits. Top 10 breakfast cereal mascots. Top 10 zingers delivery by Hobbes the Tiger. and on and on. At the end of the year, I'd gather up the big ones, Best albums, Best movies, etc. I'd like to pretend I was a celebrity panelist for Spin or Rolling Stone and dole out my whimsical opinion to the masses.
Now with the internet, and blogs, it's not only the bass player from Interpol who can see his Top 10 list be seen. Everyone can, and more importantly, by the time this goes up, everyone has.

But, like the very spirit of coming late to the party that spawned this blog in the first place, here's my much belated top 10 stuff of the year list...like you give a rat's ass...

Top 10 albums
The past year feels like I've been in my own little bubble. A lot of the music I bought this year we re-releases, or otherwise considered "back catalog", and thus, for the first time in a number of years I had a hard time coming up with 10 albums for my top 10...

1. Dillinger Four - C I V I L W A R
2. Alkaline Trio - Agony and Irony
3. H2O - Nothing to Prove
4. Aspirations - EP!
5. International Superheroes of Hardcore - Takin' it Ova!
6. Murs - Sweet Lord/For President
7. Atmosphere - When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold
8. Foxboro Hottubs - Stop, Drop & Roll!!
9. Amanda Palmer - Who Killed Amanda Palmer
10. The Game - L.A.X.

Disappointments: Reggie and the Full Effect - Last stop: Crappytown, Lil Wayne - The Carter 3

Anticipated:
Green Day - TBA
Thorns of Life - TBA
Brand New - TBA
Lily Allen - It's not me, it's you
New Found Glory - Not Without a Fight
Lifetime 7" on No Idea
Get-Up Kids Reunion tour

Albums that may never be released but are none-the-less anticipated:
Ghostface & Doom - Swift and Changeable
Ol' Dirty Bastard - A Son Unique
Raekwon - Only Built for Cuban Linx 2
Dr. Dre - Detox

Top 10 Movies
This year I watched 117 movies (I counted) that I had not seen before. A good percentage were released in 2008, which I think was a stellar year for movies in general. Here were my favorites...

1. Dark Knight
2. Iron Man
3. Zack and Miri Make A Porno
4. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
5. Wall-E
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
7. The Wrestler
8. JCVD
9. Burn After Reading
10. Cloverfield

Honorable mentions: Seven Pounds, Kung Fu Panda, Funny Games, Son of Rambow, Milk

Anticipated: Watchmen, Inglorious Basterds, Fanboys, Monsters v. Aliens, the Rum Diary, I love you man, Funny People, The Other Side of Truth, Arrested Development, Bruno

Worst: You might as well live
(luckily, I saw this as a test screening, and I'm certain it will never be released)

Top 5 Documentaries

1. Religulous
2. Confessions of a Superhero
3. Wesley Willis's Joyride
4. Gonzo: The Life and Work of Hunter S. Thompson
5. D-Tour: a Tenacious documentary

In the past there have been other categories, but I don't watch enough TV anymore, and I'm no longer one for thinly veiled relationship references, so I guess thats about it!

PS. In case you didn't get the memo (or xmas card):
ME AND BATMAN.
It's on, bitches.

Xmas Eve OR: Kill the Advent Calander Day

2008-12-24T13:33:00.006-05:00

It seems Negativity and Cynicism are the primary currency for a lot of Blogs. It's easy to let your mind go down many different creative avenues when you talk about things you don't like. Whether it's a case of knowing ones strengths, or simply laziness, many blogs thrive on negativity, and as much as I'm as guilty a participant as anyone else, I try to make a conscious effort to not make this a site where I bitch about things and thats all.

That said, it's Christmas time, and just like boner pills, the season's inferred positivity can sometimes be underscored by negative side effects. If you ask me, the salt on that open wound is Christmas Music. No haphazard trip through an overcrowded mall can go without the hum of tinny Christmas cheer in your eardrums, causing your eyes to glaze over and your urge to murder rise.

So without further ado, Here's the Top 3 Worst Christmas Songs Ever:

3. The Christmas Shoes
Patton Oswalt does a hilarious bit about just hard morbid and terrible the song is, and I can't write up my own description without feeling like it would plagiarize his bit, and he does it much better anyways, so I'll just link it, with my firm endorsement. Check that out here.
Fuckin' Creepy!

2. Baby, it's cold outside
I've only recently discovered this, but now that I've come to this conclusion, I can't see this song as anything else:

This song is a musical date rape.

For those who are unfamiliar, it's a call and response type duet between a man and woman, wherein the man is, with increasing force, trying to get the woman to stay to (presumably) have sex with him.
Here are a few lines to give you an idea:

"The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer"

Thats really only a prelude to "I should really g-- DON'T TOUCH THE DOOR!!" etc.
Add to the fact that the most recent incarnation of this song to gain attention is a duet between Anne Murray and Michael Buble just makes it all the more disturbing. I'm sure sprightly young, 33-year old Michael Buble is ready to do whatever it takes to get into the granny panties of someone 30 year his senior. That makes me vomit into my own mouth.

1. Paul McCartney - A Wonderful Christmas Time
Really, Paul McCartney, Really!?!
You wrote fucking "Hey Jude", man. How does this happen?
It's like if Van Gogh were alive 11 years after doing "Starry Night", and he was drawing gimpy, foot-obscured Rob Liefeld drawings.
The B-Side of "Wonderful Christmastime" is (seriously) called "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reggae". Do I even want to hear that?? Will it make my ears fall off? Would listening to this song fall into the same catagory as watching viral gross-out videos?

So, as I said earlier (when I wasn't likening the Christmas season to erectile dysfunction medication) blogs can be entirely too negative, so to counteract this, I've dusted off a Christmas Compilation I put together last year, and made a few adjustments (like Punk-O-Rama 2.1).

DOWNLOAD IT HERE.

enjoy!

Rage Against the Packaging Regulations OR: yes, it always does come down to Batman in the end.

2008-12-19T13:53:00.000-05:00

I've never been much of a flag waver, But living in Canada has it's advantages for sure. Our health care is free, we have ample blogs to celebrate our music scenes, the majority of funny people are from here (or the UK), and our overall rep' in the world isn't nearly as tarnished as the people living below us.
But there are also a few major bummers, one of which made itself abundantly clear last week.

See, most packaging in Canada has to be Bilingual, except in Quebec, where everything can be only in French. I'm not a graphic designer, but as a design enthusiast, I can only imagine this is absolutely killing the creativity in that field. Like clean yet effective labeling? I know I do. Well, you're out of luck, as you must include the French translation.
How are people suppose to know it's Grapefruit Juice if it's only labeled "Grapefruit Juice" and it shows a picture of a grapefruit next to a glass of pink or yellow liquid?? You had better put "jus de pamplemousse rouge" in a slightly smaller typeface.

This unfortunate situation same to a head last week with the much anticipated release of Dark Knight on DVD. Ofcourse, there were many different exclusive versions, and a multitude of different packaging options for nerds like me to deliberate on (and deliberate I did!). But in Canada, they all had "Le Chevalier Noir" on them, and they all looked fucking silly.

I mean, look at this one:

That Joker is such a diabolical mastermind. He even took the time to write "Why So Serious" in English AND French, to get his grim, bloody message across to people of both languages. How unsettlingly sinister.

Even the awesome Jokerized back cover is made to look ridiculous by the inclusion of french!

It's a well documented fact amongst movie fans that DVD packaging is often pretty shitty. It serves a different purpose than the official poster, which is usually cool, or the Teaser poster, which is usually the best of all 3. DVD packaging throws subtlety to the wayside and has a tenancy to make the stars faces the focal point of the cover, so that when housewives are idling through Walmart will say to themselves "Well, I just love Rene Zelwigger" and buy a DVD, regardless of the story or anything else. So, There are enough problems with lame DVD package design without having it muddled and underscored even more by bilingual packaging regulations. Personally, I've taken to downloading covers from other countries as replacements.

You fail, Canadian packaging regulations. You're killing your father. I award you no points.

Frenchman Artwork on top by Aaron Hammersley.

O.M.G.S.A.D. W.T.F. OR Who do you love, little girl?

2008-12-16T01:29:00.001-05:00

Hey! What do you know. On the same day I discover Dave Carnie's been doing an under-the-radar food blog ("Food On Drunk"), I too, become a published food writer, thanks to Angela's "Hamblogger with Cheese". So, check out my "review"of East Side Mario's burger.

Now, I sort of think that "Seasonal Affective Disorder" (get it?? S.A.D.!) is complete bullshit. Bad weather makes everyone a little down, and I'm no different, but a legitimate medically recognized mental health disorder? Thats a little much.
That said, I do feel as if I've needed some cheering up lately, and maybe you do too, so here's some things that have done it lately, in point form:

If you've got something totally amusing to share, leave it in the comments. Lets open up a healthy dialogue! Lets hunker down for a rap session, kids!

Anyhoo, I've been knee deep in work and working on other projects, But I'll be back with a real post tomorrow. Promise.

King Goodtimes and his Young Ward. Or: Bloggin' 'Bout Bill Murray.

2008-12-10T01:05:00.004-05:00

Reading this article only compounded the urgency in which I'd like to put this out there right now: Bill Murray, I would LOVE to hang out with you.
Much like Ben Stone's not entirely unwarranted assumption that he and Vince Vaughn would make for good friends in Knocked Up (because "Like, I think he'd want to hang out with me") I would make the same not unwarranted claim about Bill Murray. I concede that I'd be more like his partying sidekick, The plucky young Carrie Kelly to his aging Bruce Wayne, in that parlance of Gotham. But, there wouldn't be no party like a Bill and Matt party (as the assumption would be that it don't stop).
I'd almost like to be best friends with him more than I'd like to be best friends with Burt Reynolds, and anyone who knows me knows the weight of that sentence.

Imagine you were throwing a party and Bill and I showed up? You'd stop worrying about the enjoyment of your guests and memorability of your party immediately and just start letting the party flow through you like an Andrew WK song wave pool. You'd know right then and there that this would be the best party you'd ever have. You'd reconsider your previous assumption that your best days might be behind you, and you'll find yourself in one of those rare moments when you actually are aware of a life changing moment as it happens. "This is now, and I'm partying with Bill Murray (and Matt), and this a night I'll remember forever." you'd think.

All thanks to Bill Murray.
and you know, it probably wouldn't be the first time.

Sunday Afternoon Random Or: when we're holding hands it's just like having sex to me

2008-12-07T13:02:00.003-05:00

First and foremost, above all else:

The Lonely Island do it again!
It seems like every year around this time, the dudes really step it up and do a fantastic music video (starting with "Lazy Sunday", continuing with "Dick in a Box", etc.) but this one was different, in that for the first time, all 3 of the dudes were in the video, and Jorma was prominently featured. It would be cool if Jorm got more screen time on SNL (he was rumored to be becoming a "featured player" a while back) but I think they really should just get their own show.
Awesometown was the best slept-on pilot since Heat Vision and Jack, I think it's time (SNL contracts not withstanding) they gave it another whirl.

From the frivolous lawsuit dept. Joe Satriani is suing Coldplay for damages and "any and all" profits the band may have made from the song "Viva La Vida", which he says has stolen from his intellectual property. You can watch a comparison video HERE.
From where I'm standing, All that comparison really shows is that Coldplay are tasteful with their subtlety, and Satriani has about all the subtlety of a jackhammer. He just can't help himself from turning every song into a guitar wank fest.
It's a pretty typical chord progression, and the melody diverges from similarity half way through. If you ask me, Satriani is just jealous because the masses like understated pop music more than endless guitar soloing.
You don't see any lawsuits happening with the Boulevard Of Broken Dreams/Wonderwall/That simple plan song similarities. Or from Waiting on the World to Change/Sexual Healing, or Nickleback with that other nickleback song.
Suck it up!

Lastly, I used to think that Ben Stein was a pretty smart guy. I would watch his game show on the Comedy Network and marvel at the amount of trivia knowledge he had. I liked his bravado and he was rarely beaten by his lowly contestants. It wasn't as good as "Beat the Geeks", but what is?
Anyways, all of that went down the toilet with the release of Stein's "eXpelled: No Intelligence Allowed" documentary, which actually equates Darwinism to Nazism. I imagine he saw it as the other side of the coin to Bill Maher's "Religulous". Luckily, it couldn't muster a theatrical release, and nobodies buying the DVD. Best of all was this week, when Roger Ebert called him on his shit.
This was my first time reading Roger's Blog but I'm thinking it won't be the last. Infact, I've already sought out a movie he reccomended on his Top 20 of 2008 list (which he actually included Dark Knight, Iron Man and Wall-E on, to my plesant surprise).

New Profile Picture OR: I lead a boring life.

2008-12-04T21:01:00.004-05:00

Now that it's the 4th of December, I decided to take down the picture of me in my Halloween costume that was currently adorning my Facebook profile and roll with something new.
I went with one that was taken at some point last week, I can't really remember when:

Kind of drab, right?
It might not be as exciting as my Halloween picture, but I thought it was important to not live in the past, and show that with the weather getting colder, life has a tendency just to slow down a bit.
But hey, things will pick up. Christmas is just around the corner.

Triple B OR: This one is not about being fucked to death by a horse...or is it?

2008-12-02T22:13:00.006-05:00

So let it first be known that I feel like a bit of a douchenozzle bloggin' 'bout Britney, but I saw this today and I couldn't help it.

Ok, so Britney, and her team of handlers, yes-men and hangers-on are people who have to be acutely aware of public perception. They aren't selling music as much as they are selling her. So, you would think would shy away from things that make her look bat-shit crazy right? I mean she's trying to move past that stage...right?

"So, Britney, whats happening in this picture?"
"Oh, This was the other day, I was just hanging out in bed with my boots on, smiling maniacally when FuzzyButtons, my midget clown butler, decided to burst through my genie beads and surprised me with a 2 layer birthday cake.
This was Thursday, I think."

ps. as an addendum to yesturday's post, THIS was brought to my attention. It's a documentary about the lets-just-say "Horse Lover" video, the events leading up to it, and the trial of the camera man, charged with accessory to murder. Gnarly.

Effed Up Ess OR: It could always be worse...

2008-12-01T21:59:00.003-05:00

The vast majority of internet videos seem to fall into 1 of 3 categories; Funny, Gross and Rick Astley.

One I've seen linked all over the place lately has sort of captured my imagination, though not for it's content. Everywhere I see this posted, it's always described as "SOOOOO WRONG!!!11" and "Watch this and a piece of your soul dies!!"...

Not that bad, right?
I don't see what the big deal is. Someone edited a song from an Icelandic children's show with a particularly adult song by a particularly ridiculous American rapper, with hilarious results. What a juxtaposition!
I was mildly amused, the song still routinely finds itself in my head (shit's catchy, it could easily be a Britney Spears song), but I certainly wasn't scarred for life.

Of the 3 catagories I mentioned earlier, I'm definitely prefer "Funny" YouTube videos, although it wasn't always that way. There was a time in my youth when I would see how much gross I could take.

That got me to thinking, What IS the most scarring thing I've ever watched on the internet?
My gut reaction would be to link to that BrokeCyde video a few posts back, but thats more angering than anything else. There was of course the big "2 Girls 1 Cup" craze that was huge about a year ago, and while that was gross, it wasn't what I'd call particularly unsettling. Plus, all of the hilarious reaction videos make up for the first time you were tricked into watching.

I guess the worst I ever saw was the infamous Budd Dwyer suicide video. I watched it at my friend Italo's house one night, as I believe we were discussing fucked up videos we had seen. He watched it like it was just another day at the office. He's also dead inside.
Now, there are plenty of videos on the internet of people being shot, but the way the camera follows the body down and lingers is really the worst part. You'd think in a time of panic, the camera would jerk away, but apparently Ricky Fitts from "American Beauty" was filming that day, and he stayed right with it. The blood coming out of his nose isn't the trickle into a small pool you see in the movies, it's like turning a faucet on all the way. Ugh.

I think thats when my short lived fascination with challenging myself to watch gross things peaked, and since that faithful evening, I've heard of 2 videos that sound way worse that, despite my curiosity, I don't think I'll be watching. The first is the "BME Pain Olympics: Final Round", which came into popularity around the same time as 2G1C, and had similar reaction videos posted. The notable difference being that, while 2G1C yields mostly laughs and head turns, the BME pain Olympics is almost always shock and horror. I half heartedly tried to find this video, mostly to send to my pal Mike, who was on a similar gross-out-quest at the time.
But I never found it and I'm glad I never did.
The second is one I won't ever be seeking out, but Joe Rogan has seen it, and his description of it was enough for me.
What happens in this video, you ask?
Well, A man gets fucked to death by a horse.

So, next time you're expounding at great length on what a soul crushing video it is on youtube that you're linking, just remember: You could be watching a man get fucked to death by a horse.
and theres no amount of Lil Jon that will ever make that funny.

Black Friday OR: "What about nigga Tuesday?"

2008-11-28T15:22:00.006-05:00

I for one, am glad I am not being trampled for household electronics.
The white trash running of the bulls can go on without me. Call me a pussy, but I'm not willing to take a punch to the mouth for a 20% off George Foreman grill. I don't really care enough to step on an elderly woman's neck to get to an Xbox, as if it's the cure for ass cancer, or alternately be gored by that same old woman's walker as she fiercely battles for the last portable DVD player priced at $3.99.

So, This is what I did instead:

My Mom and I's incredibly crowded Xmas tree.

I realize these sorts of things don't happen as much in Canada. Usually these types of stampedes are reserved for Boxing Day, where creatures descend into the early morning like zombies, frothing at the mouth, only able to utter a single garbled word: "Deeaaallsss". If I had my way, I'd have no part of that either, but something tells me that, as with previous years, I'll be thrown into the thick of it, regardless.
So, today I take comfort in being indoors, putting up Christmas trees, and grinning as I type words like "Ass Cancer" into my laptop.
Happy Black Friday.

Thursday Night Random Or: Defining Irony

2008-11-27T02:09:00.005-05:00

It's a rare occurrence, but sometimes an event is so deliciously ironic, it makes me wonder if there isn't some supernatural being pulling the strings.
Ann Coulter's mouth is currently wired shut!
Thanks, God.

Speaking of which...

Great commercial or greatest commercial?

As the days go by-y-y-yyyy OR: Stand back kids, and watch Dylan's Dad Explode.

2008-11-26T22:56:00.002-05:00

When I was but a wee lad, for some reason I watched a lot of Family Matters. This is something of a confession, because while I have nothing but positive feelings of pure, smile-inducing nostalgia for other shows of the time, like Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Saved by the Bell, I don't have a single positive memory associated with Family Matters. I don't remember ever thinking to myself "This is hysterical, I wish it would never end", like I did with "In Living Color". They never even had a classic "Dylan's Dad explodes" and/or "I'm so excited!" funny-but-not-supposed-to-be moment. No, Family Matters was never funny.

And yet still I watched, like every week.
I suppose this can be attributed to not thinking critically about TV at a young age. It was ON, of course I was going to watch. Maybe it was my lack of interest in reading, or the non existence of the internet at that point, and thus lack of entertainment options? I doubt it, it's not like there weren't other channels, or a Nintendo.

So what was it that drove me (or at least me at 8 years old) to tune into the crowning jewel of ABC's T.G.I.F. line-up?

I'm thinking the opening title sequence MUST have had something to do with it.

Things of note about that opening title sequence

My initial recollection of it was that each character was doing something pertaining to their character type, noticed the viewer, and kind of did an "Oh Hey!" as if to say they were happy you were about to join them in one of life's adventures for the next 22 minutes plus commercials.
But upon reexamination, the doing stuff to smiling at you transition is a lot more fluent, and as a result, much creepier. It's as if Eddie always knew you were there, but he was wiping down that car anyways.
See the youngest daughter, Judy? After 4 seasons, she just disappeared. They never mentioned her going away to camp, or getting hepatitis C, or being crushed by a comet made of frozen astronaut piss. She just vanished. On later episodes her parents would make reference to their TWO children. Ouch.

After that, actress Jaimee Foxworth's parents dwindled away her trust fund, and Foxworth got started a 2 year stint in Porn, under the name "Crave".
That hip grandma! She reads RollingStone articles about U2! Seeing her do young person things is funny...Because she's old!!
Estelle Windslow had a little more depth to her then that, but not much. She was basically the predecessor to "Rapping Granny", which, to my estimation, is the point at which all other unfunny things are compared.

Towards the end, as the song swells to it's climax, and we see the entire family on a recreational bike ride, Carl Windslow looks alot like the coach from Mike Tyson's Punch Out.

That song. Listen to Slayer all you want, it'll be in your head all day. It was written and preformed by the same musical genius that did the Full House and Step by Step themes. Oh, You're done for. Just embrace it.

So, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on people who watch terrible TV shows, especially if they're only 8. Maybe this very same phenomena is to blame for the success of shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Corner Gas", and the comparative failure of shows like Arrested Development and jPod?

Fuck, Little kids are retarded.

What. The. Fuck. OR: Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul

2008-11-20T22:45:00.008-05:00

I wasn't going to blog today, but then this fell into my lap.

I first saw this thinking it was satirical, and for a while, I thought it was one of the best things I'd ever seen. If this were a parody, it would be absolutely hysterical.
But, yeah, it isn't.

I'm having trouble even finding the words for this.
A lot of times, I can understand a bands appeal even if I don't like them. But this...It's like someone took everything that's wrong with music and youth culture in 2008 and combined them all into a 4 minute assault on all that's right with the world.
The only way I think it would be more infuriating is if they all wore bluetooth headsets and there was a verse done by Avril Lavigne, during which the other guys get into blackface and vote Republican.

To quote Eric Cartman from last week's South Park "Alright, thats it. I give up. If thats what's popular now, I'm going home to kill myself".

"It's been a long time coming...we're the Get Up Kids"

2008-11-17T18:02:00.009-05:00

Holy Crap!
Reunion show videos!!

Holiday (11.16.08)

Out of Reach (11.16.08)

Ten Minutes (11.16.08)

More...

My Apology (11.16.08)

Long Goodnight (11.16.08)

I'll Catch you (11.16.08)

The One You Want (11.16.08)

Mass Pike (11.16.08)

Yo Gabba BloggaOr: DJ Lance taught me similes.

2008-11-17T11:13:00.014-05:00

For about the last month or so, I've been pretty addicted to watching the show "Yo Gabba Gabba". It's a show for 3 to 5 year olds that plays on Treehouse TV in Canada, and I've ordered my PVR to record every episode that comes on. It really makes me smile.

It's basically about 4 monsters and a robot, who live and learn in GabbaLand, a place which seems to be lorded over by DJ Lance Rock, a human with a flashy fashion sense. It was created by members of The Aquabats, and is basically what happens when really cool indie/punk people get their own children's show. (Did I mention that Biz Markie, Mark from Devo and Sarah Dwyer all have regular segments?)
As with a show like Pee Wee's Playhouse, you can really tell those who are making it are having just as much fun as those who are watching. Take this exchange for example, after DJ Lance Rock sees 2 of the monsters playing with a toy rocket:

"I wish I could fly like that."
"But DJ Lance Rock, can't you fly like that?"
"...Oh yeah! I can!"

DJ Lance Rock then begins to fly around the room, going "WEEEEEEE!!" and waving to the camera as he flies by. Mention of DJ Lance Rock's flying ability has never been mentioned before or since.
Fucking amazing.

Perhaps most interesting of the monsters is Muno (pronounced "Moon-O"), the cyclops. Muno has a high pitched voice that makes me think of pre-pubescent boys, at that age where they can't help but be totally annoying when they talk. Whoever does the voice acting captures this brilliantly.
The person I equate this voice to the most was a friend I had in the first grade named Stephen. Not "Steve" or "Lil Stevie", He was "Stephen". I always think it's odd when little kids use the full version of their name. Like kids who call themselves "Jonathan" when they're like 6. Theres something off about it, and that was certainly the case with Stephen.
Poor Steven, so gullible.

My primary memory of him, apart from his voice, was that I once told him I was a vampire and he believed me. Some time later I had forgotten about my claim and asked him if he wanted to come to my house after school and he said something like he didn't like graveyards. No shit.
Also, he called his knit cap (or toque) his "Toucan", as if he were wearing a tropical bird on his head during the cold months.
ANYways, Muno also looks like a sex toy.

Perhaps the least interesting is Foofa, who looks like a pink grimmace with a flower on her head. Needless to say She's the prototypical girlie girl character. She's most often the victim of Muno's follies. I think she appeals to the same people who use Chun-Li on principle.

Plex is the magic robot. He plays the nerd/responsible role of the gang. Like Simon from the chipmunks or Frylock.
I think they keep him around because he has a car, or incase the cops show up.

Toodee has female characteristics, but isn't the prototypical pink flowery girlie girl like Foofa, She's more tomboyish. Like Skeeter from Muppet Babies, or Buttercup from Powerpuff girls. She's more likely to hang out with dudes and just be whatever about it. Toodee looks most like anything found in nature of all the monsters. Sort of like a blue wolf. She lives in the icy part of GabbaLand.

Wait a sec, what the fuck ever happened to Skeeter?
She was all over Muppet babies, the confident athletic Yin to Scooter's book smart Yang. But then she disappeared. Maybe once they got a little older she just fell out of the whole Muppet scene. Maybe she fell into the wrong crowd, and is a source of shame for her now timid stagehand brother. Maybe she died. Maybe she was just a figment of scooter's imagination like Tyler Durden. The Mystery of Skeeter goes on...

I think my favorite is Brobee ("the little green one"), and not just because he comically has the word "Bro" in his name. He just seems like he'd be the most fun to chill with, you know? He's clearly the best dancer of the group, and sometimes he carries around a sock puppet. Whats not to like? He also has the unique ability to show emotions, as when he's sad, his mouth turns upside down into a worrying frown. But that's pretty rare, Brobee is pretty good times.

Theres also a lesser known secondary character named Gooble, who's always crying. He almost looks like he was salvaged from a rejected Muno prototype costume. He's like the opposite of my bro, Brobee. If Brobee was Andrew WK, Gooble would be Thom Yorke. He's a bummer, like a Debbie Downer or Buzz Killington. or Thom Yorke.

YO! It's almost time to go!
Here's a quick video sampling:

The ever-popular "Party in my tummy" starring my future wingman, Brobee.

An awesome Ska jam about cleaning your room.

The Roots make an appearance on the Super Music Friend Show.

Friday Night Random Or: This Fortnight or something in Awesome

2008-11-14T22:23:00.005-05:00

This week has been another week of half-finished entries, but unlike past unfinished entries, I'm still interested enough to finish them. Eventually.
So stay tuned for those.
In the mean time, here's a few random things:

While still totally ridiculous, I somehow don't find THESE nearly as insulting to the overall ethos of punk rock as the career of Avril Lavigne. However, if you're going to shoehorn the punk aesthetic into something, can you at least make it hilarious?

Speaking of punk...
The Thorns of Life. Oh my.
When two strong forces come together, it can work either way. Just ask R. Kelly and Jay-Z. Their collaborative albums failed miserably. "Best of both worlds" Indeed.
But I have to say, the idea of Blake Schwarzenbach and Aaron Cometbus starting up a band together gives my ears a boner with anticipation.
Thorns of Life = the Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt of Punk.
....Wait, those two consecutive metaphors are unrelated. Nothing about the Jolie-Pitt baby gives my ears or any other part of my body a boner....you know what I meant!!

Keith Olbermann's most recent Special Comment was regarding California's Proposition 8, and it was true to Olbermann's form; well spoken, passionate and largely accurate. Well worth the watch.

Also, the wondertwins, Tegan and Sara also posted impassioned responses to the issue here.

Not to make this too YouTube heavy, but Amanda Palmer just posted a new video for the song "Oasis" off of "Who Killed Amanda Palmer", and it's pretty fantastic.

and lastly, in the world of Blogs apparently your placement on Google is of utmost importance. If your blog can be within the first few results when someone types in something arbitrary like "Porcupine Spikes" or "Astronaut Piss", traffic to your site grows, and attention, revenue, world wide adoration and world wide backlash are sure to follow.

So, file this under humility: When you type something completely non arbitrary and obvious into google, like say "Attack of the Swank", his site isn't even the #1 result. This is.
I guess I've got a long way to go.

ps. Click here to buy that Vagina scented perfume you've been looking for, for that special someone this holiday season (NSFW).

Nevermind Spencer Elden

2008-11-10T16:54:00.005-05:00

I'm going to go on record here with a rather controversial opinion, so hold onto your hats: I no longer give a shit about Spencer Elden.

You may ask "Who the hell is Spencer Elden" (after, I suspect, "Why am I reading this?") Well, he's the swimming baby from Nirvana's Nevermind album cover. The album that brought rock back into the mainstream, knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the charts, Freed the slaves, Cured polio and replaced Aunt Vivian on the final seasons of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".

A couple of years ago I was watching an MTV clip show, where I believe people were (rightfully) expounding the virtues of "Nevermind" when a teenage ginger kid popped up on the screen. "Spencer Elden - Nirvana Baby" I believe it said on the lower left of the screen. He then said "It's cool that I'm the Nirvana Baby" or something else equally dim, and it was off to someone else. Possibly Kim Thayl, or members of Mudhoney, who don't seem like so much a band as professional Nirvana documentary participants, these days.

"Hey cool!" I remember thinking. "Someone tracked down the Nirvana dick baby and he looks kind of like Shaun White, only, you know, not obnoxiously talented", and that was that. It was not unlike some of the other "where are they now?" pieces; seeing what Bee-Girl is up to, or watching "Puck" from Real World 2 desperately trying to latch onto any remaining interest in his decade old infamy.

And then I saw another piece on the Nirvana dick baby. and another.
and another.

"Does this kid have an agent that gets him work soley because he was photographed as an infant?" I wondered. How long before he's rooming with Kato Kaelin on the surreal life?

Things covered in every article:

He is now, thanks to the magic of the space-time continuum, 17.
His parents were paid $200 dollars for the photo
He uses bad pick-up lines like "Want to see my penis...AGAIN??"

Instead of constantly rehashing the same info with fluff interviews, why not wait 'till he's actually done something of note? like starting a mediocre indie band, or endorsed a line ot infant swimwear?
Or maybe forget him altogether and dig up some other barely note worthy pseudo celebrity who's actually done something.

SIDEBAR: Jeremy Jackson - "Hobie" from Baywatch, is an example of a pseudo celeb who has done something. Well, by "something", I mean having looking like a Hollywood douchbag down to a science. A douchbagist, if you will. Just look at the longing gaze of his ~~lady~~ paid model...

But, today was the final straw for Spencer Elden:
"Nirvana Baby -- All Grown Up -- Re-Creates Classic Nevermind Cover Image!!"

That's it, Spencer Elden, you're 15 minutes are up. Not only are they up, but they were so overdone, it went from brief, pleasant nostalgia, to mild annoyance, to searing hatred.
You are dead to me, Spencer Elden.

Just like Mikey from Life cereal being killed by Poprocks and Coke, or Leave it to Beaver's Jerry Mathers being killed in 'Nam, at this point, I choose to erroneously believe that you're dead. Let's say that your head was crushed by a comet made of frozen astronaut piss that was discharged in error back in a 2003 rocket malfunction. Sounds plausible, I'll go with that.

Nirvana Dick Baby, 1991 - 2003, died from being crushed by frozen astronaut piss.

Ok, now I feel better.

WILD PARTY LAST NIGHT.

2008-11-06T10:36:00.001-05:00

So what happened to you?
Last I heard you were going to some body piercing place? That stuffs too weird for me...

Ok, I'll stop. Is it weird that I know word-for-word an anti-drinking PSA from at least a decade ago? (that I can't find on YouTube anywhere!) Best not to dwell on it I guess.
I mean, That one was alright, but it doesn't come close to "what do you mean you forgot to mail it?? STUPID!! DAMMITYOUCANTDOANYTHINGRIGHT!!". That shit changed my life. But thats another story for another time.

So, as it's plain to see from my past few weeks of entries, and especially these last 48 hours or so, I've been (figuratively) in Obama Country (area code 9021-hope). Everyone seems to be universally optimistic, which is a stark 180 from the last 2 elections, especially 2004. Even people who aren't generally interested in politics are getting enthused about Obama. I'm sure if I lived elsewhere, it might be a different story, but here it's smiles all around.
A victory for common sense.

Sadly though, Obama's historic victory has overshadowed the passing of 2 (maybe more) oppressive bills - California's proposition 8 (which bans gay marriage, which both Obama and Schwarzenegger were publicly opposed to), and an Initiative in Arkansas banning gay couples from adopting children. A giant leap forward for one historically oppressed people, 2 steps back for another. I guess common sense can't win 'em all.

I recently read an interesting piece about John McCain written by comedian and KFC famous bowl enthusiast, Patton Oswalt. He brings a pretty interesting viewpoint to McCains career trajectory, and it's an entertaining read, if you're into that sort of thing. Check it out here.

How was everyone's Halloween? Mine was great. Having the fortune of someone planning their Halloween party for Nov. 1st I was able to turn it into a Halloweekend. Paulie Bleeker was all up ins.

Much to my surprise, My costume predictions were surprisingly inaccurate. I saw a few jokers, but it seemed most people got the memo about me totally trumping them in 2007, and didn't bother. Kudos, would-be poseurs!
Similarly, Sarah Palin's were few and far between. I guess getting the outfit, the glasses, the hair, and staying relatively in character was too daunting for most.

Some of the most popular repeat costumes I saw were: an iPhon e, the paperbag princess, and again, Amy Winehouse.

The best costumes I saw were: The yip-yip-yip-uh-huh alien muppets from sesame street, Teen Wolf, Randy Marsh, Nacho Libre, Super Grover, and a couple of Zantas.

Also, on a personal note, as hoped, I met a cute girl with a wildly accurate Juno costume. She even carried a SunnyD bottle. We took a few pictures and I gave her a TCB card with my e-mail, but she never contacted me. (why you frontin', boo? Dag!)
le sigh.

Other than that, and my arduous trek home from night 2 of the halloweekend (briefly touched on in "Mini Attacks") the best story came from just before night one.
I had just met up with my homegirls Steph and Liz at Union Station, and we walked along Front street, by the waiting taxis and hot dog vendors.
Just before getting into a cab, we were approached by a younger guy, early to mid twenties I'd say, who at least presented himself as homeless.
There seems to be an odd commonality with front street beggers, in that they all seem to have fantastic long winded stories, which I've taken to stopping before they start. Not because I'm insensitive to the plight of the homeless, but because usually on front street I'm in a hurry home, and 9 times out of 10 these stories are complete bullshit. You'll get told the exact same one 3 weeks later by the same person, who only needed 2 more dollars to get on the train back home to Notarealplace, Wisconsin.
So as the young man approached and started into "I'm sorry, don't usually do this...I just need..." I didn't break stride and simply said "sorry man, good luck", Steph and Liz however stopped to hear his story. He continued "...I'm not going to ask you for money, I just was hoping you would buy me some food. That way, at least you know where the money is going...". It sounded reasonable, I suppose.
Steph countered with "well, I don't think I have much but if I have it, I'll get you a hotdog". Cheap, near-by and hot. Not only a great choice, but a resourcful homeless person would load up the bun with condiments and additions, and really make a meal out of what was given to him.
But no, This is when the story flips into the fucking bizarro world.
"Well" he stopped her mid-offer, putting his hands up in the stop-right-there motion, "I'm a Vegan."

Seriously.
I couldn't fucking believe what I was hearing. "A vegan" he said!
I have nothing against Vegans, or the Homeless, but if you're in a position where you have to rely on the charity of others for sustinance, thats when veganism and homelessness become mutually exclusive. When you are literally begging people to give you food, you can no longer hang onto your limiting (and, I'm sorry - trendy) dietary standards. The audacity!
Baffled, I laughed and said "Dude, you just defined 'Beggers can't be choosers'" as I walked away. The homeless vegan got nothing.

Today I realized that I've had meat with all 3 meals. Am I subconsciously trying to give myself Gout, to spite the homeless vegan?
"Gout", by the way, along with Monkey Pox and Lupus, are the 3 most fun to say serious diseases there are. GOUT! tee hee hee hee

Buut hey, You're the man, cool guy!
SEEYAATTHEBEACH.

President Obama

2008-11-05T12:07:00.003-05:00

I'll expand a bit more on this later, but needless to say, it was a pretty terrific night of TV watching, enthused communications and celebration last night. Not to overstep, but I genuinely think it's one of the most impactful moments of this generation. Last night was pure election elation (ooh! see what I did there?)
Truly inspiring.

Yes We Can.

(more later...)

Hall-o-wee-eee-eee-een

2008-10-31T14:40:00.005-04:00

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. Not because I'm a Nightmare Before Christmas pseudo-goth or anything, but I'm a sucker for a good costume, I quite like the fall, and it seems like more than any other holiday, everyone seems to have fun. Christmas can be a drag with shopping and travel. Valentine's day? Forget it, thats always lame. But everyone who wants to have a good time on Halloween will have a good time.

Just, whatever you do, don't be one of those people who comes to the party but is too cool to dress up. Thats grounds for immediate friendship termination.

Tonight I've decided to play a little drinking game with myself. Every time I see one of the following costumes, I'm going to either take a shot, or gulp of my existing drink...

Halloween 2008 costume predictions

Most Popular Guys Costume: The Joker.
It seems to be a pretty popular opinion that this year's batch of Halloween parties are going to be over-run by flimsy renditions of Heath Ledger's Joker. Some may be wise to this and avoid it, but I really don't think people will be able to help themselves.
But, I beat them all to the punch. I was the Dark Knight Joker last year.

Thats right. Kiss the ring, bitches.

(It should be noted, my costume isn't very movie accurate, because at the time, the only picture of the new Joker was the one above, so there was no way to know how he would dress of what his hair was like, so I winged it)

I guess if I wanted to be ahead of the curve again, I'd dress as a character from WATCHMEN.

Most Popular ladies costume: Sarah Palin
I have the feeling this will work out exactly like last years Curse of a thousand Amy Winehouses. It's an easy, topical and mildly funny costume, but I don't think it has the same obviousness that The Joker has. I think, like Amy Winehouse last year, there will be alot of girls disappointed with how many people had the same idea. I'll be impressed if I see one who's staying in character. Which is to say, one that talks and acts like Bobby's mom from Bobby's World.
You betcha!

Costumes I'd like to see (if done well): Lil Wayne, Harvey Dent, Mark Whalberg with animals, Homestar Runner, and finally, a cute girl dressed as Juno for me to engage in intercourse with (I'm being Paulie Bleeker!)

Happy Halloween everybody!

ps. Check out this years edition of the always stellar Homestar Runner Halloween. (Coach Z as DJ Lance Rock! Pom Pom as Scud!!)

pps. Just for fun - Glenn Danzig being knocked out like a bitch

Comics, Mini Attacks, etc.

2008-10-29T23:51:00.001-04:00

Hey, how have you been? That's nice.

I added some new junk today, namely that thing on the right called "Mini Attacks" (the name took me about 26 seconds to come up with). It's provided by the good people at Twitter, and apparently it's all the rage right now with the kids. I've yet to have it explained to me how it's any different than the status updates on Facebook, but I guess the advantage here is that it's on here, and not confined facebook. So, now with this magical gadget, I can send updates right to this page with my phone, to let you all know really important things like how I'm organizing my records again or wondering if it's scientifically possible to have ones face rocked off.
Should be fun.

For those keeping score, the 'Org posted another review of mine, this time it was last week's chaotic Monotonix jamboree. I also have one in their mysterious que, which will hopefully see the light of day at some point.

Anyone catch Barack Obama's infomercial?
The idea of buying a half an hour of airtime on the 4 biggest networks in the US, is so Supervillianous, that the ideas it gave me pailed in comparison to what it really was. I pictured it starting with him a a podium, saying something like "My fellow americans, I now have control of your television sets. Change the channel all you want, it's ObamaTime for the next half hour, and just as I now control your TVs, I will soon control your country...with an army of GIANT ROBOT SWANS!!! Muhahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!"
That, or it would be a captivating half hour speech that would go alongside some of his other inspiring speeches from the past few years, because as we all know, Barack doesn't roll with super villians...

Ok, I'll leave it at that. I feel like this is turning into an Obamablog (say that out loud a few times. It's fun to say! OBAMABLOG!!), but what can I say, I'm a fan. I find the dude inspiring.
Years ago Henry Rollins once astutely commented (and I'm paraphrasing) that the US will never have a political candidate that you'd like as much as you like David Lee Roth*. Our generation will never see a President that we genuinely want to stand infront of and go "woooo".
But now I think we sort of do.

* Not the example I'd use, but I digress...

Hey! In lieu of writing an actual end to this blog post, hows about I just sum up what my last trips to my local comic shop have yielded? Sound good? awesome.

Catch ya on the flippity flop

B is for Bullshit (thats good enough for me)

2008-10-24T15:18:00.007-04:00

Things just keep getting more and more ridiculous.

So, apparently, Barack Obama supporters are primarily violent criminals, or atleast thats the messages one McCain campign worker would like to send out.
According to this article, Ashley Todd from Pennsylvania claimed to have been robbed by a "dark-skinned African-American, 6 feet 4 inches tall with a medium build and short dark hair, wearing dark clothing and shiny shoes", who then, upon noticing her McCain/Palin bumper sticker, attacked again, this time carving a backwards "B" into her face with a dull knife. "You're going to be an Obama Supporter!" he apparently cackled while mid-carve (I can only assume it was followed by a rousing "Muhahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!", but again, thats speculation).
Both John McCain and Sarah Palin phoned to show their concern. The Obama camp issued a statement. The Drudge Report had a field day.

Oh, but one thing, it was 100% Bullshit!

Today she admitted the whole thing was a hoax. She had scratched the B on her face with her nails, in her rearview mirror, forgetting the basic proprities of a mirror, and the B showed up backwards.

On it's own, this story is both amusing and angering. Theres nothing funny about baiting America's racial tensions for political gain, but such a world class asshole has to be laughed at.

However, something strange happened to me last night that made me see this story a little differently. I was walking home from a rousing and energetic show at the Wrongbar by Isreal's Monotonix, and listening to the audiobook of Barack Obama's "The Audacity of Hope", when an older gentleman approached me. He was quite well dressed in a suit, had thinning white hair, and because of his monocle and pocketwatch, comicly resembled the Monopoly guy. He motioned to me, but I could not hear him. He appeared to mouth something like "Pardon Me, Sir", so I took off my headphones in an attempt to engage with the man. With my headphones off, Barack Obama's smooth timber leaked into the night air, and then something strange happened. The man, hearing the audiobook, was thrown into a violent rage. He removed his monacle, and smashed it on the ground. Confused by what I was seeing, I attempted to sidestep the man and continue on my way, but he was deceptively quick for his age and stature, and picked up a glass monocle shard and lunged at me before I had a chance to escape.
"I'm going to make you a McCain Supporter!!" he said, while punching me in the face. He then took the glass shard, and gave me this...

(Note: the "M" is backwards)

Beaten and cut, I lay on the sidewalk along Queen st, as he jumped in his Bentley, and motioned for his driver to drive away, laughing the whole time. Nobody was on Queen st. to corroborate this story, and I refuse to seek medical attention. But still, you get the idea. Rich white people are fucking scary. Vote Obama!

(and stay classy, GOP.)

Last week in awesome.

2008-10-21T13:07:00.005-04:00

I began writing this last week but got side tracked. Typical.

New Green Day footage!!

These are frustratingly vague, but I have high hopes that Butch Vig will repeat his previous successes (Against Me!, Nirvana) and Green Day will go in a good direction on the new record.

"Next Time, Baby" Indeeeeed.
It came down the loop this week that Actor/Singer/Babywhipe Enthusiast Terrence Howard will not be returning for Iron Man II as James Rhodes (AKA War Machine). Apparently the despute was over Howard wanting too much money. War Machine, who is said to have quite a major role in the new film, will now be played by Don Cheadle.
This leaves me with a few questions: Isn't Cheadle a far more respected actor than Howard? How could Terrence Howard reject an amount of money that Don Cheadle is fine with? Is Terrence Howards album not selling too well? Could a baby-whipes endorsement deal pull him out of his apparent money troubles?

H2OBAMA Shirt!

Fuckin' right. This along with the Bad Brains shirt, and the now semi-official Shepard Fairey portrait makes me wonder: does that make Barack Obama the most punk friendly candidate ever?

(Aside: I found this while looking for a decent version of the Obey/Shepard Fairey Obama portrait for my iPhone background. How cool is that?)

The Presidential Debate

Along with the awesome "Zero!?!" deer-in-headlights moment, I think this was my favorite part of the final presidential debate...

"Friends...", "Who is he?" "He associates with Criminals!"
Sound familiar?
Even this "BAT-man!" sort of sounded like "THAT-one!"

Palin as president
Whoever made this site should be given a golden Harley that runs on chocolate. Or atleast a trophy full of steak'ems.

Hot Girls for Obama!

See more Hayden Panettiere videos at Funny or Die

See more Sarah Silverman videos at Funny or Die

Sorry, that one had alot of political junk in it.
Save for skateboarding, and a recent curiosity towards MMA fighting, I'm not at all a sports guy, so when the debates happen, I grab junk foot and glue myself to the TV, shouting at the screen and waving a miniature pennant around. I get to do it for liken 2 months every 4 years (because, as witnessed by Canada's recent election, Canadian elections are boring and largely pointless), so bare with me. It'll be back to comics, movies and getting fat come Nov. 5th.

Blah on the Blogs

2008-10-20T16:09:00.002-04:00

I have a case of the Blahs.

I've started no less than 3 articles in the past week or so, that I've scrapped before finishing. I barely squeeked out a review for Punknews.org this week before I had the chance to convince myself it wasn't any good (although the comments section did that for me later...). I just can't stay interested or convince myself that they would make for a worthwhile read. The blog isn't suppose to be high art, but the writer should atleast be convinced the material is worth reading.

I'm starting to wonder if my blog isn't trying to cover too much ground. I was recently asked what my blog was "about", and I didn't really have an answer.
Many of the blogs I like are concentrated to one particular subject, and the writer works within these means. Look at the blogs linked to the left for examples.
I feel like if Chef Ramsey were to look at this, he'd dispense the same advice he does to everyone on "Kitchen Nightmares"; "You fucking cunt -- you need to simplify, and give people what they want!". Then he'd cut my 5 page menu down to one, move some chairs around and leave with us being friends.

But another side thinks that it wouldn't really be my style. My mind is all over the place, and my attention span is ridiculous. Any one subject I decided to concentrate on would inevitably become boring to me before long.

Or maybe I'm just being super lazy.
Did I just convince myself that writing an excuse laden blog entry would get me off the hook for today?
Maybe.

But, in the argument that a blog is something of an online representation of one's self, I guess theres no truer statement than an directionless yet stylish, scatterbrained yet amusing, sparsely updated yet honest one.

So there it is.
I'm going to go do something that isn't this.

Holy Cow!

2008-10-13T20:00:00.002-04:00

Green Day studio footage, recorded a scant 4 days ago, with producer Butch Vig.

This morning in awesome procrastination

2008-10-10T16:32:00.005-04:00

Heres what I did this morning while avoiding working on this site, and writing a review of the previous two evening's Dillinger Four/NOFX shows for tha 'Org.

Watched the new South Park premiere. (pretty great)
Finally got down to checking out "It's always Sunny in Philadelphia" (only 1 episode down, has potential)
Went here and made this:

Watched this repeatedly:

So, now I'm going to get down to business. Maybe.

This fortnight in awesome (end of september, Begining of Oct)

2008-10-07T22:40:00.002-04:00

“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’” - Demitri Martin

Sorry for the gap in updates, I was off celebrating my birthday by getting drunk and looking at really lackluster art exhibits. Then seeing Religulous and eating myself into a near coma, again.
That and work. Lots of work.

Anyways, heres some awesome stuff...

Confessions of a Superhero
In a rare show of consumer confidence, I actually bought this DVD based on the cover and premise alone. It's also presented by Morgan Spurlock, who has never steered me wrong in the past (save for one or two bullshit episodes of the usually stellar "30 Days").
The film is a documentary following the lives of 4 street superheroes. For the unaware, along the sunset strip in Hollywood, especially during tourist season, there are people dressed in colorful costumes who take pictures with tourists and work on tips. Primarily these people take on superhero and cartoon identities, and this documentary in particular follows the ups and downs of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman and The Hulk. Each very interesting personalities and each with a different level of intensity, drive and delusion. Very funny, captivating and at times even moving.
Check out the trailer here.

The Scotsman who can't watch a movie without shouting at the screen

Palin Being Moronic
Sarah Palin has only astounded me this past fortnight.
Whether it's advocating that woman should have the children that result from rape or incest, claiming homosexuality is a choice, flexing her journalism degree muscle with an inability to name a single paper she reads, or a single supreme court decision she disagrees with (save for roe v wade, which I'm sure you could teach a parrot to recite as a court case), she's really outdone herself. To say nothing of her showing at the VP Debate.
I was trying to explain to someone my disdain for her, and they asked me something that caught me off guard; "Worse than George W. Bush?"
I realized, Ol' Dubya is almost above disdain for me. Especially with only a scant few months remaining in his term, he's risen above contempt to an almost ignorable height of cartoon supervillainy. But the thing about Palin is, while Bush took stammering and struggling with English to near performance art levels (a spectacularly aggravating trait for a world leader), Palin seems so confident in her stupidity, which is outright Pyvesian on the aggravation scale.
Historically, it will be George W. Bush who fucked the world up more, but for here and now, it's Palin's time to shine, and I think that, perhaps more than anything else (even the backlash from Bush's term) is whats going to screw things up for the Republicans.
You Go Girl! Keep on Keepin'-On!

Epic Embaressment
I think these pictures speak for themselves. Pretty classic.
(Note: the two seperate notes on the box)

Rumors: Batman 3
Rumors continue to swirl around about the status (or merely the exsistence of) Christopher Nolan's 3rd Batman film. Here's a story claiming pre-production will begin Febuary 2009 in Chicago. Later, the colorful folks over at Ain't it Cool News posted a story from a "trusted source" that seemed to corroborate the first story.
Seems a little early to me, but then again, I've never had a dumptruck of money emptied at my house.
In other Bat-News, we have a terrible, terible idea. Turning superman into a whiney teenager was bad enough. Stay out of Gotham!!

Vinyl Collective Co-Op release # 1
Apologies in advance for the gratuitous plug, but I'm a member of a collectively run, vinyl-only record label.
Our first release goes on-sale tomorrow and is of the Chicago based Alkaline Trio/Lawrence Arms side project "The Falcon"'s 2004 EP "God Don't Make No Trash".
It's a 10" with a gate-fold sleeve, and is going to be limited to 1000 copies (333 transparent red vinyl, 667 royal blue vinyl). If you dig The Falcon, Alkaline Trio or Lawrence Arms (or even the blogging skills of Mr. Brenden Kelly, as linked to the right), it's worth checking out, even if you're just going to sell it on eBay later.
Plug!

Thanks dudes.
More Later.

Celling Out

2008-09-30T19:00:00.008-04:00

Through the last few years, if you were to ask me what ~~my pet peeve~~ what fucking pissed me off more than anything was, without missing a beat, I'd tell you: Cell Phones. I've never had one, I've never wanted one. "I don't believe in them...well, I believe they exist..." I'd quip.
But even more specifically, the way cell phones make people act. They're like a skeleton key to complete social retardation. I tend to look at cell phones the way most people look at nuclear weapons, in that I don't believe society as a whole is intelligent enough to deal with them responsibly.

Comic artist extrodinaire Jim Mahfood once wrote a brilliant one-page comic on the phenomenon, illustrating some of the people and situations which make cell phones that much more repulsive.
Check that out by clicking the thumb.

If I had ultimate rule over the earth, one of the things I would do would be to implement a 3-day schooling program one would have to go take in order to obtain their license to operate a cell phone.
All 3 days would be on etiquette. Basic non-cell phone etiquette would be covered first. Restaurant, retail store and public transit etiquette would be heavily stressed. Doing anything on your cell phone while in a movie theatre would be grounds for immediate failure.
People would hate me as their leader, but the world would be a better place.

Even worse is the recent popularity of Blue Tooth headsets. People who are so busy doing super important business like ordering at Starbucks and waiting at the crosswalk to utilize one of their arms. Having a home answering machine, or even a normal cell phone is simply not enough for trips to the grocery store. I'm sorry, but unless you're a brain surgeon, a high powered stock trader, or are in any profession where you can pull off the Jeremy Piven from Entourage/Alec Baldwin from Glengarry Glen Ross thing, you have no practical use for a bluetooth headset. This isn't some Robocop future and you can't purchase cybernetic ears three stores down from a Jamba Juice at the mall. The level of self-important douchbaggery needed to confidently adorn one of those contraptions is off the chart.

So, as a whole, Cell phones are whack.

*sigh*

That said, a little over a month ago, I bought an Apple iPhone.

Yeah, I kind of sold out (or more accurately, bought-in).
But admittedly, as long as I don't become one of those people, I think this gadgets gloriously nerdy ends justify the means. I've always been a fan of Apple's gadgets (though not it's computers, or offputtingly aggressive marketing), and this one is no different. At least thats ~~what I think~~ How I've justified it to myself.

Cool/Pointless things I've done on the iPhone thus far

GPS'd myself while riding the Go-Train, and watched the dot move like the transitions from an Indiana Jones movie
Bid (and subsequently won) eBay auctions while in the bathroom at work
Searched GoogleMaps for "burritos" while walking to Burrito Boyz, just to giggle when the pin drops on where I'm already headed
Taken pictures of funnily dressed strangers, and then e-mailed them to friends
Given myself an ironicly annoying ringtone
Looked up a YouTube video to settle an argument

So, as you can clearly see, it's benefiting my life, and as yet I haven't became a drooling, slack-jawed morons, shouting "YEAH...YEAH, I'M ON THE BUS, BRO. FUCKIN' KILLER! WHERE YOU AT?...WHAT...YO, THAT GIRLS A FUCKING BITCH, GUY." into their phones while on (you guessed it) the bus.

So maybe it's possible to be a calm, responsible cell phone user?
Sadly, I think the ratio is similar to that of gun owners. I don't think the majority of people have the common courtesy to avoid being annoying and rude to others to begin with, and giving most of these people cell phones is sort of like giving a bullhorn to someone with tourette's.

SwankNews.Org

2008-09-30T17:02:00.002-04:00

Hey neat! I'm published again, and now again by the leading source of punk news, Punknews.org.

They recently posted a review of the Rancid DVD I wrote for them a few months ago, and now a review of Michael Moore's new film "Slacker Uprising" (that I touched on briefly in the last "This week in Awesome"), that I wrote yesturday.
I even have my own writer page now.

I may make a habit of this...

This week in Awesome - Last week of September

2008-09-26T22:41:00.003-04:00

Sbemail 200/Strongbadia, The Free
It was a landmark week this week for the Brothers Chaps (AKA Mike and Matt Chapman), as the 200th StrongBad E-mail (or SBEmail) was released (left).

For the full experience, Click Here for the "Place ya Bets" Teaser
then, Click Here for the Delete-Heads Easter Egg,
and finally Here for the 200th sbemail (with a singing Poopsmith!!)

Not only that, but "StrongBadia, The Free", the second installment of their point-n-click adventure series "StrongBad's Cool Game for Attractive People" was released on Monday for Wii & PCs. It costs 1000 Wii Points, so with my remaining points, I got Samurai Showdown 2. Haohmaru!
If for some reason you're unfamilliar with the world of H*R, TellTale Games posted a very decent list of favorites as a primer, and for the record, I reccomend "Kind of Cool", "Techno", "Dangeresque 3","Montage" & "Virus", among many others. oh, and "New Boots".

Dave Letterman ripping john McCain a new Asshole

and part 2, the following evening!

As Jon Stewart was quick to point out, it seems all John McCain got accomplished by suspending his campaign to run off and save the economy, was piss off Dave Letterman.
Personally, I love seeing Dave get some of his fire back. He's still my favorite late night host (I don't care what anyone says, Conan jumped the Shark when Andy Richter left), but he doesn't have the same panache he had in the 90s when he would do Taco Bell drive-thrus and get flashed by Drew Barrymore (speaking of not having the same effect on me now as in the 90s...).

Slacker Uprising
I intend to write a full review of the movie in the new few days, But the release of Michael Moore's "Slacker Uprising" marks the first ever major motion picture released for free on the internets. I'd love to see more film makers take this approach, especially documentary film makers.
The "In Rainbows" business model lives on...

Anime Me
Faceyourmanga.com allows you to create better looking cartoon versions of yourself. Like so...

I think it turned out pretty well!

Comic Nerd BiWeekly: This Weeks Pulls...

2008-09-25T22:39:00.005-04:00

(Some of these are a little older, cause I haven't made it out to the comic store in a couple weeks...)

All Star Batman & Robin #10, NYX: No Way Home #2, Ultimates 3 # 5 (Robot Variant)

Runaways (Vol. 3) # 2, Kick Drum Comix # 1

Dillinger Four Drama!!

2008-09-25T13:19:00.007-04:00

(Note: I started writing this for the upcoming "This week in awesome", but upon thinking about it, realized that while it's an interesting series of events, It would be a stretch to say it's "Awesome", much less one of the most awesome things of the week.)

It seems to be about once or twice a year that the collective online punk community throws itself into some sort of tizzy. Rancid signing to Warner Bros on the cusp of releasing their "Indestructible" album in 2003 was one. Ditto when Against Me! did the same thing a couple of years later. Now it seems controversy season is upon us again with the leak of Dillinger Four's loooong awaited new album "C I V I L W A R".

This type of hoopla (especially in the case of major label signings) is generally the result of overzealous fandom that seems synonymous with this type of music. But I felt this one brings about several compelling arguments, in regards to file sharing, journalistic integrity, the increasing level of album leaks and the music industry in general.

The story goes like this: Aaron Hale, an amateur writer from online magazine Racket, was given access to a stream of the album via Racket, by way of the good people at Fat Wreck chords, for the purposes of reviewing the album. Later using the Twinkie defense to cite every reason in the book besides being completely unprofessional (Click here for his barely readable explanation, and keep in mind he's under the impression his writing is up to snuff for a nationally distributed magazine), The album was shared with friends, who shared it with friends, and they told two friends, and they told 2 friends, and so on, and so on, and so on...

Alternative Press editor Scott Heisel got wind of the leak and tried to contain it, which I imagine was like trying to avoid the mess made by a 2 litre diet coke bottle when mentos is added by trying to drink it all. In the process, Aaron Hale was snitched on and subsequently fired from Racket and "blacklisted" by both Fat and Alternative Press over the whole ordeal. Which, when you consider the recent lawsuit Axl Rose laid on someone he discovered leaked portions of Chinese Democracy, a simple blacklisting is tame and entirely reasonable.
(Read Scott's account of the story Here)

Sensing an untapped resource for comedy, that mischievous little scamp Mitch Clem marked the return of his scene-based Nothing Nice to Say (pictured right, L-R: Blake, Fletcher) with a new story arc based around the sorted ordeal, arguably painting Fat Wreck in a questionable light early on.
(Read Those Here & Here)

(Art by: Mitch Clem)

Evidently, the story's aforementioned pacing struck a nerve with "Dave", a recording engineer on the D4 album in question. Unaware the story could go in another direction, He took Mitch to task for what he saw as encouraging file sharing and undermining those who would seek to protect their intellectual properity. (Read that amusing exchange here).

Oh, And then everyone on Punknews.org (including some players from the story itself) argued back and forth for a long time.

Dillinger Four haven't commented, and I'm prepared to speculate that they don't care.

As for the album itself, I'll post a review at some point soon, but anti-leak advocates rest assured, I will be purchasing it.

So Click Aprooove!

2008-09-24T21:32:00.007-04:00

A few days ago I got a new friend request on the social network de jour, Facebook. Since I've settled in on the site and got my friendships sorted, these kind of requests are few and far between and can usually fall into one of 3 categories.

The first being the hold-outs finally caving into online social pressures and joining the site. I think everyone should have at least a brief period of "I'm too cool for this shit", I know I do, but when it gets to be too long it admittedly gets sort of annoying. They become that friend at your 8th birthday that insists they "don't like" pizza. I'm all for non-conformity, but it generally works best when not either rooted in a lie (everyone likes pizza) or when theres a point to it. Facebook has become a genuinely useful thing, with the only adverse qualities being the slightly unnerving but easily ignorable fact that your info and habits are most likely being sold. But you're not Sandra Bullock and this isn't "The Net" (Π), so relax. Eat the fucking pizza.

The second are friends-of-friends whom I met at a bar or some other social gathering, said we'd add each other to facebook, and then will proceed to never speak to each other again. This is fairly self explanatory; only breifly conversing with someone once isn't great fodder for e-mails or wall posts. It doesn't matter if you saved someones life that night, there isn't a lot you can say beyond "remember when we saved that dudes life...hope he's alright".
So we both let ourselves off the hook and don't bother.

The third is a newer category. The automatically generated by facebook, "People you may know" Category. These are made up primarily of people you do infact know, but not that well. Them adding you is always nice because it's a way of saying "yes, we ARE that close". That, or "I've decided your not THAT much of an asshole". It's taking the friendship to the next level. It's the cheap promise ring of shallow online friend accumulation. Personally, I'm always wary of taking the first step in these situations because ~~I'm afraid of Commitment~~ I always reason that if we have 24 friends in common, theres probably a reason I haven't been added already. Hey, atleast I know they'll be in the "People you may know" box, should I ever need to contact them.

This one however, didn't fit into any of those categories.
This was a lady that I didn't recognize at all.
Although I knew she wasn't one of those weird facebook prostitutes, drunk on the knowledge regardless of talent, she may get an MTV show if she adds enough friends. We had 5 friends in common, but these were all good chums from my High School days. These are dudes that I not only remember but could no doubt have lengthly enjoyable conversations with to this day.
This girl was a complete mystery to me. I tried to find my old High School ~~musical~~ Yearbook, but I couldn't. I didn't want to just reject the request, but I didn't want to add them without some explanation either.

So, I thought the best way to gleam the proper information was with the most spectacular lie I could come up with, so I sent her this.

Hi ~~Melissa~~,

My name is Miss. Pennycandy and I'm Matt's hospital assigned assistant. I feel I should inform you that back in 2001 there was an "incident" involving Matt. I can only assume you're a friend of his, so this may be hard to hear.
Matt was trying to get his name in the Guinness book of world records for reciting "The Great Gatsby" in it's entirety while underwater, and fell victim to a near lethal combination of water-lung, asphyxiation and mild dyslexia which turned his attempt disastrous, tragically resulting in loss of motor skills, memory, and 1 of his eyeballs. As well, it nearly bankrupting a local goggle manufacturer who acted as his sponsor for the attempt.

It's because of these ailments that I was assigned to help Matt in his day to day tasks, one of which is his online endeavors. You can imagine how hard it must be to operate a computer with bad motor skills and only 1 remaining eyeball. But I digress.
At any rate, I received your add request and when I approached Matt about it (he was soaking in the tub, still chasing his dream, slowly but surely, bless his simple heart) he said something about not remembering anything pre-2001, and then asked if I could make him mini-bagel pizzas.
Perhaps if you shed some light on your post-incident relationship with Matt, it could not only jog his memory but also help with his rehabilitation? It's times like these that he relies on his friends most.

Hope to hear from you,

Miss. Pennycandy, Matt's hospital assigned assistant.

I hope she writes back...

TRV$DJAM

2008-09-21T01:00:00.005-04:00

So what if he turned into a Hollywood celebrity, got kind of corny, and was involved in a bad reality TV show?

Reguardless of your feelings on his musical endeavors, Travis Barker's still one of the best and most stylish drummers this generation has ever seen, and a total inspiration to drum hobbyists like myself. His drumming lifts the terrible into at-worst "listenable", and was generally the highlight of whatever piece of music it was a part of.

Todays news was terrible. 4 deaths the eye witness accounts of him and DJ AM on fire that are nothing short of unsettling. I hope to hell he gets better and we get to hear him kick out the jams again.

Fix Your Face

My condolences for the deceased and best wishes for recovery to the living (as trite as it sounds).

This week in Awesome - Third week of September

2008-09-19T22:04:00.000-04:00

Random sweet finds from the corners of the internets...

Catholic Comics
Click Here to learn how Gays and Gay Bashers are both equally belong in prison, how dating more than one person will give you AIDS, and how you looking at pornography will turn your father into a child molester.
It's Edu-tainment!

P. Diddy(pee poppa diddy pop)'s Political Video.
Sometimes celebrities get up on the mic to talk politics, and you're taken aback how surprisngly well spoken and informed they are, and how the opinions of someone with a competely different lifestyle, set of circumstances and priorities can so mirror your own thoughts and feelings.
(see: the lead-off story, last "This Week In Awesome")

And then sometimes this happens.

ahh well. Atleast his heart's in the right place. Points for effort.

Speaking of Obama support, a guy made a Giant Lego Obama. Or...

LegObama.

(Photo: Ben Cook/2Hangmen.com)

Judging from the stern warning on his website, the guy's being kind of a dickhole about how his Lego™ depiction of a public figure is somehow his copywrite (a legal grey area at best). Ok, I'm bullshitting, Maybe you CAN copywrite pictures of something you did to get attention on the internet, but that doesn't mean it isn't kind of silly.
Credit where due ofcourse, but if you run into him, don't tell him I posted these. I don't want to rile someone with that much time on his hands.

...Or, on second thought, DO let him know! Maybe he'll make a giant lego carpet depicting me being killed or sued for copywrite infringement or something. That'd be awesome.

~~Star Wars~~ Harry Potter secret revealed!

I always knew there was something off about that story. "George Lucas gon' sue somebody!"

AOTS Book Club
Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me
Anthology, Edited by Ben Karlin, Read by it's contributors.

First off, I should note that I didn't so much read this, as this helped me discover the joys of Audiobooks. My iPod is no stranger to all-talk Podcasts (SModcast, wut wuut!), stand-up, or spoken word, But this was the first genuine audiobook I'd obtained, so it was still a bit foreign to me.
This (audio)book is an anthology of High Fidelity-esque comedic yet surprisingly heartfelt tales of lost love, written and read in the first person by authors and comedians such as Stephen Colbert, Patton Oswalt, Dan Savage & Andy Richter (although I felt most of the best stories were told by those I was heretofore unaware of). Adding to the High Fidelity comparisons, it has a wonderfully written into by Nick Hornby, but as he was unavailable to record, it's reading is handled masterfully by The Daily Show's John Oliver.
The writing is rich and enjoyable throughout, and although some stories are better than others, But like a Ramones album, the ones that aren't as good never feel tedious. This book comes recommended, even more so the audiobook, if you happen to be ridiculously lazy like me.

Bloggin' 'Bout Batman.

2008-09-15T14:28:00.010-04:00

Workin' on a piece of writing that's taking me a bit longer to write than I thought it would, so, I thought I would take a break and partake in seemingly every nerdy blogger's favorite past time: unfounded Batman 3 speculation!!

C'Mon Kids! Lets put on our bat-ear shaped tin-foil hats and look into the future!

The consensus online seems to be that the one of the next villains in line will be (or should be) The Riddler. It seems the most logical, as Christopher Nolan's Batman universe completely shies away from anything magical or paranormal (Sorry, Clayface). Riddler isn't a giant alligator -man, can't control plants or doesn't use ridiculous cold puns while encased in a glass dome; He's just a dude who digs riddles.
He's not the most threatening or scary of Batman's villains, but in the right hands I think it could be done well. Jim Carrey was good in the better of Joel Schumacher's disastrous sequels, although he sort of just aped Frank Gorshin's Riddler from the 60s TV show. The front runner for speculation these days seems to be Johnny Depp, and I think if anyone could pull it off, it's him.

Check out this amazing Riddler-centric fan made poster:

Other than the title, it's outstanding.

Angelina Jolie is apparently gunning for a role as Catwoman, which I think has potential. Although it could just as easily be Scarlett Johansson or any other decently attractive actress with a comic-booky figure.
Just give the public enough time to forget about the cinematic abortion that was Helle Berry's Catwoman film, give her as close to the Ed Brubaker costume as possible, and never, ever have her say "ppprrrrrrr" and we'd be in business.
Extra points if they can make it look anything like this...

Hire Adam Hughes as a consultant...

Another one that keeps coming up is The Penguin, which I have to admit, I think would be a terrible idea. I'm pretty much on board for Riddler and Catwoman but Penguin I think is where a line should be drawn. I like Phillip Seymor Hoffman (who seems to be who the majority of rumors point to) quite a bit as an actor, But I think with the grittier tone of the newer films, some of the more campy villains are going to have to be sacrificed, perhaps first and foremost, The Penguin.
Tim Burton turned him into a Nightmare Before Christmas character as a means of translating it to film, which was bad enough.

and people say Tim Burton doesn't have range as a film maker...

Lastly, perhaps the most polarizing question seems to be the inclusion of Robin.
Batman Begins and Dark Knight were very much based off of the universe started by Frank Miller with "Year One" and continued by Jeph Loeb with "Long Halloween" both dealing with the beginnings of Batman.
Christopher Nolan has stressed that his films are early Batman, and that Robin is "in a crib somewhere", Although The Dark Knight took alot of inspiration from "Long Halloween", and "Dark Victory", it's sequel, taking place in "Year Two" introduced Robin (albeit somewhat hastily).
If you ask me, I think introducing Robin would be a bad idea. I don't think a young boy in a circus outfit really makes sense alongside Nolan's Batman.
However, a couple of months ago, Empire magazine from the UK ran a great piece about Dark Knight, which included a grid which showed various characters and who portrayed them in the various movies and TV show, along with a final column for future picks.

click for bigger.

Suddenly, the Robin idea didn't seem so bad.
Ellen Page as Robin!
She could bring a Carrie Kelly kind of plucky junior crime fighter quality that I think might just work.

Both Dark Victory and Frank Miller's newest series "All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder" serve as introductions to Robin that have Batman in a much darker place than usual. Angrier, Grumpier and more prone to adding "God damn" into his name in the case of the latter (see left).

Bruce Wayne is slowly slipping away, overshadowed by his alter ego. It's almost as if he needs Robin to provide a human balance into his life, as The world of the Batman has so overtaken the life of Bruce Wayne. His only way to relate to his newly-orphaned heir in any real way is to give him a costume.
In a sense, Robin saves Batman from himself.

Batman falling deeper and deeper into Darkness? A cute girl in a kato-mask bringing him back from the depths? A crazy villain toying with his mind, leaving riddles at crime scenes? A buxom cat burgler in a PVC Catsuit?

It might not top "The Dark Knight" (and what will?) but it Sounds like a movie I'd go see.

That, or wait like 5 years, and do a shot-for-shot movie of Frank Miller's Dark Knight Returns.

- m.

ps. this began as a short blurb to show off that fan-made poster, and turned into one of the longest bits on the site thus far.
I love me some Batman. Here's a final picture, just because it's really bad ass.

This Week in Awesome - second week of September/08

2008-09-12T00:35:00.007-04:00

First and foremost...

I imagine alot of you have seen this already, but holy crap.

MATT DAMON!!

He's Sexist!

No but seriously... Can you imagine if I was actually that dumb?

Lil Matty Damon layin' the smack down. Telling it like it is.
Sure, before you can say "applesauce, bitch", the right wing will be saying how celebrities should shut the fuck up and stick to acting, atleast 'till Toby Keith puts out another song about beating up Arabs, thus making him patriot and an American Hero.

Between being in Kevin Smith films, Fucking Sarah Silverman, and this, Matt Damon is turning into an awfully respectable fellow.

How do you like THEM apples, VP-Candidate Publicity Stunt?

Mambo About Masonry
Ok, I know in last week's "This Week in Awesome" I said Angela's "Hamblogger" was my new favorite Blog, but this is my new, New Favorite Blog™. Officially.
"Mambo about Masonry" is my boy Mark's new writing project, and it's the kind of blog that's so rich in quality it makes me want to quit blogging forever and write clumsy Batman fan fiction instead.
He posts short but clever essays pretty much every day, sometimes more than once, often relating a certain facet of life to music or pop culture.
It's like reading Chuck Klosterman, without that nagging feeling that he wouldn't be any fun to hang out with in real life.
Perhaps most baffling aspect is the quality/quantity ratio. It defies all laws of common sense.
Read Up!

Zack & Miri Make a Porno
Yes, I'm still going on about this fucking movie.
It's awesome though guys, seriously.

Pop vs. Soda vs. Coke
Well, what'll it be?
Personally, it's Pop.
I understand "Soda". It's an american thing, like "Restroom".
But Coke!?! Theres just something so wrong about that.
Calling every Cola "Coke" makes a certain degree of sense; because it's sort of like Kleenex, Rollerblades or Band-aids (not tissues, inline skates or adhesive bandages), where the brand name has superseded the actual product name.
For example, at the bar you don't hear anyone going "Rum n' Pepsi, please", even if thats what's in it.
But do people in Texas call every carbonated drink "Coke"?
Would someone point at your 2 litre of Mountain Dew and say "I'm parched. I'm going to nab some of your coke, guy."
Thats all kinds of wrong! WRONG!
ps. As for the Couch vs. Sofa debate; I say get fancy, roll with "Chesterfield".

Minor Threat Family Tree Billboard
Somewhere in London, Ontario, a punk rock historian is giggling...

Click for big.

This was put up outside of Call the Office in London, Ontario.
Varying reasons for this baffling yet awesome billboard have been given (eleaborate graffiti, art installation, etc), but no concrete answer has been given for it, nor has an artist/historian come forward (to my knowledge).
Queries to London correspondents went unanswered at press time.
The mystery continues...

Oh, and it's past midnight, so Fuck Metallica.

...like the Wiz!

2008-09-08T22:54:00.000-04:00

Hey neat, I'm Published!

Between that and my review over at PunkNews.org, I'm doin' pretty good lately with this writing thing (If you ignore not updating for the entire month of august). The fact that it's up over at NewsAskew, an official Kevin Smith site, means that Kevin has almost certainly read it. Which only sort of chills me to the bone with crippling fear. Not that I said anything bad. But I Digress...

So yeah, without spoiling anything, Thats what I thought of Zack & Miri Make a Porno.
My faith in a post-askewniverse Kevin Smith is fully restored.

"Like Glengarry Glen Ross?"

2008-09-03T22:50:00.007-04:00

I woke up in the 6s today.
Its not the first time, as in the past chronic insomnia and months of unemployment meant going to bed at 9am and sleeping 'till 6pm, but this wasn't that 6. This morning I rolled with 6pm's straight laced, responsable older brother 6am. I now sort of know what AC Slater must have felt like hanging out with Screech. Sure, he'll help you with your home work, but theres just something gross feeling about it.

The reason? It seems I've developed an aversion to seeing movies at the same time as everyone else. I always seem to find a way to see shit early, and I'm not affraid to go great lengths to do so. On this bright and early morning, it was to attend the World Premire of Kevin Smith's "Zack & Miri Make a Porno", starring my non-sexual man crush, Seth Rogan.

Oh Seth Rogan. He's like a human Fozzie Bear.

Living in Toronto has it's ups and downs, but having a world class film festival has always been a decided "up". In previous years I've seen premires of Rushmore, Almost Famous, Vulgar, Bowling for Columbine, A Dirty Shame, Into the Wild, Body of War and even Kevin Smith's Dogma. So it was with excitement I went to the Toronto Film Fest website at 7am to try to obtain tickets...and got this screen close to 100 times.

It was a full ten minutes of refreshing and swearing, when my order for a pair of tickets finally went through. On the scale of inconvieniences, from having to walk down an escalator to having the driver of the car you're in pass out, this was roughly stubbing your toe. Which isn't that bad, but considering I just refured to this festival as "world class", you'd figure they'd have deep enough pockets to buy a decent server to handle the traffic. You'd think it was brought to you by Rogers or something.

I'll be attending the world premire of Zack & Miri Make a Porno.

They released the trailer today, and as soon as I heard, I excused myself, headphones in hand, to watch on my iPhone (more on THAT later) from my work's bathroom.

It doesn't disappoint...

I'll leave you with that. See yuh.

ps. Oh, and scientists might just end the world as we know it.

This week in Awesome - first week of September/08

2008-09-02T22:25:00.006-04:00

Lets get current and topical shall we?

Goodle Chrome
Google's "Chrome" launched today, their first foray into the Web Browsing world. And, like the nerd I am, I downloaded it right away and started tinkering.
The Virdict? It's pretty cool, but not yet Firefox cool.
It looks great visually, I like the tabs layout, the multi-page homepage seems sweet and I'm sure ~~Porn Mode~~ Incognito Mode will come in handy, but when I'm on it, I miss features like the "AwesomeBar" and the Most Visited Button. The potential is there, So I guess we'll see.
But the waiting game sucks, so lets play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

(Also, if you're interested, Here's an interesting article about The Making of Chrome)

The Republican National Convention
Is everyone ready to vote for John McCain and Vice President Publicity Stunt? *sigh*
My mind has a funny way of likening everything to a particular simpsons moment, and this is no different: Remember the episode where Lisa developed a non-sexist doll for little girls named Lisa Lionheart?
Barack Obama = Lisa Lionheart
Sarah Palin = Malibu Stacy's New Hat

The choice is yours, America!

Hamblogger!
My friend Angela does a blog about Hamburgers.
I think it's my favorite blog (Sorry ~~Ted Danson Inc.~~ Rockout.Org UPDATE: Holy Crap! It's being regularly updated again!).
It's such a simple and fun concept, and it must take her no time at all to maintain. Unlike some high falootin' blogs that have no concept and have become a chore to update.
She basically just eats Hamburgers at various resturants, takes photos of them beforehand, and reviews them afterward. FUN!

Everyone should check out HAMBLOGGER
(and Rockout.org, cause apparently he's back to updating again!).

Mishka's 90s Mix
The entire time I've been writing that scatterbrained entry, I've been taking time out to air-drum to This awesome 90s Mix. It's free to download and if you were ever into 90s music (like, if you're older than 8 years old...) you'll probably find something on this you'll dig.
For god's sake, they just blended Smashing Pumpkins into Butthole Surfers!

Get Up Kids Reunion
James Dewees, you Motherfucker.
If you're toying with my emotions, I. WILL. END. YOU.

Thats it. See ya in the funny pages.

- m.

2008-09-01T20:47:00.002-04:00

buenos dias deglectorino,

Sorry I haven't been around much to do updates. Work hours ramped up and as has been proven time and time again, left to my own devices, I'm like the Jean Claude Van Damme of Laziness. Ask anyone whos interested in hearing what my next band will sound like, or how that movie script I've been working on is coming along.

Much to my own dismay I've sort of become the living, breathing embodiment of that moment in Family Guy when Stewie berates Brian about the progress of "That novel...you know the one you've been working on...for three years....".

You know the one!

I think alot of it was not wanting to write this very post.
The explaining the month long gap post.
I don't personally view this blog as something anyone reads very often so I don't imagine people are going to care. But, for the record, I'm going to try and do 3 posts a week. 12 posts a month. 144 posts in a year, and so on.
It's not daily and full of bitchy celebrity gossip, but fuck it, it's how I roll.

More soon. Freal.

Rock the Bells

2008-07-21T22:57:00.016-04:00

One thing I did this weekend when not repeatedly watching Dark Knight, discussing Dark Knight or thinking about Dark Knight was, through a series of events including contest winnings and last minutes cancellations, I found myself invited to go to Hip Hop's festival de jour, Rock The Bells. These weren't just your run of the mill tickets that cost $75 either, these are the premium tier $175 + tax & service charge tickets. So, I was going to a whole day of positive hip hop jams, with all the VIP trimmings, and I got the invite the night before.

Our aforementioned VIP status essentially afforded us the luxury of not being around people. There was a "VIP Lounge" set up for what I imagine was a mix of 10% contest winners and 90% rich and/or foolish. It was pretty nice to watch from a decent distance, and still be able to maintain your own personal bubble. The scene in the VIP lounge was also bizarre because absolutely everyone in the "lounge" was wearing the free "Rock the Bells" backpack they were given. As well at the backpack ($20 retail value), VIP ticketholders were also given a RTB T-shirt ($30 value), 2 free drink tickets ($14-16 value, with no line-up), a poster and a VIP laminate, to which alot of people didn't see for the souvenir they were intended as, and both wore and flashed them around all day like tools.

Things I was looking forward to at Rock The Bells:

1. Murs
2. Method Man & Redman
3. Free Backpack
4. A Tribe Called Quest/Pharcyde Reunions
5. 2 Free Drinks

Things I learned at Rock the Bells

1. First and foremost, Rappers' primary concern above all else is if "Real Hip Hop" is indeed in the building or not. This is something they need constant confirmation of, through applause.

2. The biggest Beef in Hip Hop isn't Solja Boy vs. Ice T, Suge Knight vs. Snoop, G-Unit vs. Everyone or even East vs. West. No, the biggest beef in Hip Hop today is Hip Hop Artists vs. Live Sound Engineers.
Offhand, I can think of 1 performer out of the 10 that I saw (Murs), that didn't complain or demand sound changes ad-nausium.

3. Seeing almost 10 hours of live Hip Hop makes you wish you could implant "Bass Inhibitors" into your ears for a couple of days after. Low tones would be filtered out, subwoofers would be useless and the guy from Crash Test Dummies' voice would be completely inaudible.

Highlights included Murs, whom we intentionally got there right in time to see. "This might not mean anything to you, but this sample cost me $50,000 American dollars!" He announced before his newest single, the Temptations-sampled "Better Than The Best" (best line in that being the boast "I'm shakin' babies!").
Method Man & Redman's set was as high energy as you'd expect, with much of the crowd behind them all the way. The set ended with Redman's excited announcement that not only will there be "The Blackout 2", their follow-up collaborative album, but "How High 2" begins filming next year. (Here's hopin' for their short lived sitcom "Meth & Red" on DVD).
Nas's set was non-stop and impressive. It seemed like atleast 25 songs in 40 or so minutes.
In between sets Supernatural would be the de facto "host" of the proceedings, and when Rakim's late arrival threw the schedule off, he and Scratch treated the crowd to almost a full set of their own. I'd seen Supernatural profiled on the "Freestyle" DVD, but seeing him freestyle live was even more impressive. He would rhyme about whatever people yelled or threw on stage. I can't even fathom the amount of work and consentration that must take. Truly an unexpected treat.
Lastly, De La Soul and the Pharcyde's performances were on point, with Pharcyde peppering their set with well known solo tracks and guest appearances such a "What Up, Fatlip?" and Booty Brown's Verse from Gorillaz's "Dirty Harry".

Low points were Jay Electronica's unprofessional sound complaints, culminating in an early departure, exclaiming his point by throwing a wireless mic into the crowd and saying "Take it off my check, peace" and storming off. Upon considering his exit further we determined a between-set/second stage slot on a national festival wouldn't pay more than the price of a professional wireless mic. Good thing Supernatural retrieved the mic soon after.
Rakim's rescheduled set with Kid Capri (known as the yelling dude from Ghostfaces "Celebrate" to the uninitiated) fell victim to similar problems, and though Rakim had a more professional demeanor, the shortened set was still tough on the ears due to sound issues which Rakim was keen to ignore as oppose to taking the time to fix properly.

Sadly for A Tribe Called Quest, it was a long day and I personally hit a wall around the middle of Nas's set. Tribe played a very solid set, with some cool visuals, but I think alot of the crowd were just as drained. My suspicions were confirmed when Q-Tip announced they only had a few left and about half of the crowd (myself included) were bound for the back exits.

All and all, it was a good day. $75 would have been worth it for die-hard fans of Tribe, Mos, Pharcyde, Nas, etc, but nearly $200 is not a bargin for anyone, ever, free backpack or not. I think my buddy Kortnee summed the pricetag issue up best: "For two hundred dollars I'd have to be able to rock out on stage with them for it to be worth it".
Luckily for us, it was all free, and luckily for the crowd in attendance, our VIP tickets didn't allow for any stage rockage.
Thanks Kortnee! Thanks thefader.com!

Pictures
(click the small ones to see big ones, obviously...)
(Mouse-Over for descriptions, that apparently only work in IE...)

It's starting to feel alot like 1989.

2008-07-15T01:45:00.003-04:00

Long story short, I'm seeing DARK KNIGHT tonight, 3 days early.
I haven't been this genuinely excited about a movie in my whole life. A close second might be the release of BATMAN in 1989. I was six. With all the promotion and hype its really starting to remind me of 1989, without the Prince soundtrack or people carving Batman logos into the back of their hair. Just alot of clowny stuff.
More soon.

giddy,
- m.

...for YOU, SPECIALLY!!

2008-07-07T22:29:00.004-04:00

I made this today, basically because I'm a huge nerd.

http://barrysspecialmondaymorningtape.muxtape.com/

If not, You can go listen to some old sad bastard music, see if I care.

F.O.O.D food-food.

2008-07-03T22:36:00.001-04:00

Not alot of people have eaten 'till they've thrown up.
I don't mean drank all night, eaten a subway sandwich on the way home and then thrown it up, or been sick in bed and eaten 4-alarm chili and had it projectile across your body lengthwise, burning both ways. While both hilarious stories I'm sure. Thats not what I mean. No, I mean being of perfectly sound health and stone sober and eating to the point where your body begins to reject it's own sustenance.
Not many people have done that.

I have.

It was a couple of years ago. A more innocent time, when I was less aware of how mean my body can be, and due to a set of awkward circumstances and potential social faux pas, I ended up eating 2 large dinners within an hour of each other. Silly me, I didn't think it was possible; But I ate 2 meals, threw them both up, and then had left overs of the second meal because I was hungry after my excellent toilet bowl adventure (or "bogus toilet bowl journey").
Thank god the second meal was Tacos. I can't stay mad at Tacos.

The reason I bring this up was because it almost happened again. You would think common sense would rule that once would be enough for any reasonable person and even the thought of coming close again would throw out giant STOP EATING warning signs. Unfortunately for common sense, it's powers are useless once I set foot past the opening archways of the Mandarin Buffet.

Something happens to me at this place that I can't quite describe. Sometime after finishing my second plate or so, it's stops being a joyous and delicious free for all, and becomes something more akin to some ancient tribe's brutal coming-of-age gorging ceremony of gluttony. It stops being enjoyable and just becomes a trial. I channel Takeru Kobayashi.

I couldn't even tell you why this happens. It's not a money thing, (or a G Thang), as Mandarin is decently priced, It's not like I'm not fed on a regular basis, nor do I ever eat to this magnitude anywhere else. Perhaps is the calming flute music they play that turns me into an glutton-monster.

All and all I devoured 4 large plates, 3 little plates and 3 small bowls, consisting of: Chicken balls, Shrimp, 2 kinds of Steak, fried chicken, Pork, Rice, Onion Rings, Fish, Noodles, Broccoli, Sushi, Jell-o, Salad, Eggs, Celery, Carrots, corn, pizza, mashed potatoes, gravy, garlic bread, sherbet, a Hot Fudge Sundae w/m&m's and a bunch of those little baby corns.
Surprisingly, no wheelbarrows were needed for my transport home.

So there I was, laid out on the couch, feeling like Manuel Uribe Garza. A man so fat that employs another man to clean his ass. Which, in my estimation, dethrones Jiz-mopper as the worlds worst job. Why don't they get Mike Rowe in there to clean Manuel's ass for a few days? (or shove Ryan Stock's stupid head up it, since he's so "extreme"...) Those would be Dirty Jobs episodes I'd TAPE.
...but I digress.

I felt as if with any yawn, any hiccup or deep breath, my stomach would tear open, spilling out guts and several different kinds of breaded meat. It would hemorrhage out of me like Tetsuo from Akira. They'd find my body in a redish brown pool of chunky buffet delights and once the story got out to the news, my death would be completely overshadowed by people comparing the event to the similar Monty Python bit, "Mr. Creosote".
"Monty Python comes true as boy's stomach explodes!" the headline would read. With any luck, my funeral would be catered by the good people at Mandarin Buffet. If the story got big enough, maybe my family could make a killing by licensing my likeness to a company that will make novelty piñatas of me that would be popular for kid's birthdays for years to come.

One can only dream of having such a legacy.

2008-07-01T21:35:00.001-04:00

Working on some new stuff, but in the mean time, check out this frightening yet awesome video.

Tom Gabel and Tegan Quin meet Chuck E. Cheese. Enjoy.

Disgruntled Letters,

2008-06-27T22:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my friend and tattoo lady Liz brought an link to my attention (via Tha 'Book). It was a link to a Newspaper piece written by an insufferable douche named Paul Carpenter. In the peice he equates having tattoos with being a Prostitute,Lowlife,etc, blames tattoo for the downfall of society and even takes quick jabs at MMA Fighting, People of the South Pacific, and Street Art (I'd hate to hear what he thinks of Jackson Pollcock).

You can find the article here.

So, Not having written a genuine disgruntled letter in a while, I e-mailed Mr. Carpenter with the following letter:

Dear Paul,

I was recently forwarded what I can only describe as a cantankerous rant you were credited with writing. I can't in good conscience use any terms that would be associated with proper journalism, such as "article" or "editorial", as it's clear to anyone that you have about all of the journalistic integrity of Fox News (which is a shorthand for "none at all").

Never have I read a piece that was so ignorant and out of touch. I mean no disrespect by calling attention to your old age, but it really shines through here. Despite seeming generally uninterested in the history of tattooing, and completely clueless towards peoples motivations, (desperately and bewilderingly grasping at straws like Mike Tyson and MMA fights) You saw fit to write about them anyway. For someone writing a piece for a newspaper about tattoo culture, wouldn't it go without saying that your job might require you to know, or atleast find out anything at all about the subject in which you're writing?

You also seem to think that clearly defined words of the english language are subject to your own opinion. They are not. An artist is an artist no matter what the medium. Just because you don't like or approve of it, doesn't make it not art. This argument is not surprising; the old generation has historically been stubbornly resistant to change. It wasn't so long ago they would argue Rock N Roll wasn't music.
But they were wrong, and so are you.

If only the criteria for "Journalist" as open as "Artist", then you might actually be one.

As for your appalling generalizations equating the tattooed to "lowlifes": Sir, it's really easy to lump large cross sections of individuals together to put them down collectively. Thats why so many uneducated people carry on such unfounded prejudices. Racists, Homophobes, Sexists, Ageists and even the Klu Klux Klan members you seem so concerned about today's youth emulating, all share the same kind of bigoted beliefs regarding certain groups of people as you do.

By the way, I noticed you have a mustache. So using your own logic, does this mean you are emulating 1970's porn stars, 19th century bare knuckle pugilists or 1980s baseball pitchers? Does growing one put you in line with Joseph Stalin, Geraldo Rivera or Adolf Hitler?

To put it another way, it could be argued that based on track record, old, rich, white men are perhaps the most despicable members of our society and so vocally spewing hate-speech about such a large tattooed demographic will only act to re-enforce to anyone else content to judge so quickly, that you, yourself are in line with the filth of our society you seem so content to blindly lump others into.
What is it they say about Glass houses, Mr. Carpenter?

I find it ironic that in the same piece you criticize the media for ignoring particular virtues such as intelligence, insight or integrity, you (the media) don't display any of them.
It's close mindedness and bigotry thats the downfall of this society Mr. Carpenter, Not a few kids getting tattoos.

Good day.

I know, maybe a bit long. Maybe something like this would have done just as well:

Dear Paul,
Fuck you up your stupid asshole.
Good Day.

But, I decided to go with the former, rather than the latter. I'll post it here if I get any reply.
Fingers crossed!

Putting the "F" back in "Art".

2008-06-25T11:34:00.000-04:00

It seems the last few years has seen the mainstream art world becoming more and more accepting of "Street Art", thanks to the work of such visionaries as Obey's Shepard Fairey and the enigmatic Banksy. Never one to shy away from a little culture, I thought I would shed my (albeit small) spotlight on a street artist I recently discovered. His medium looks to be a container of White-Out™ on a stretch of street by my house, which I pass on my way to work. His abstract expressionist pouring style, coupled with a flair for surrealist anatomy, has led me to dub him "Jackson Pollcock" (seeing as "Prickaso" was already taken). Lets have a look, shall we?

This first piece, you can see a true artists, who hasn't quite found his voice yet. Still shotty with the technique, but in contrast with his later work, you can see what his artistic eye is trying to achieve.

This next one is leaps ahead of it's predecessor, with a clear objective and almost surrealist take on it's subject.

I feel this piece is truly the best representation of this young artists work. This almost takes on an naturalist realism, daring the viewer to experience it's beauty. Note the precise spherical balls, the attention to detail in the urethra. What does this piece say to YOU?

This is where Jackson Pollcock WENT FOR IT. As you can see this piece is on a far grander scale than anything we've seen previous. But alas, here is the confines of this particular medium; He seems to have run out of White-Out™ before any of the beautiful details that made his last work so brilliant could be added.

In closing, Make sure to take the time and appreiciate fine art while you still can. As for these particular pieces, sadly I saw the owner of the neighboring properity doing his best to clean them off this evening. But, for a scant 24 hours, Jackson Pollcock was appreiciated for his groundbreaking art. Kudos sir. Kudos.

Carlin.

2008-06-23T23:59:00.006-04:00

So, I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention the passing of one of the greats, George Carlin.
I spent a long time today searching YouTube for momentarily forgotten gems and even finding some new favorites, along with reading everyones thoughts. To me, thats the best way to mourn someone you didn't have the pleasure of knowing personally. Just take a moment to enjoy what they gave you.
Not surprisingly, Kevin Smith's piece for Newsweek was particularly good, and very much worth reading. But I think "Massawyrm" over at Aint it cool News's take on it that made me smile the most when he (or she) said:

All I can say at a moment like this is that I have never, ever in my life wished for there to be a God more than this moment. I mean, can you imagine the fucking reaming that guy is taking from Carlin right now? Holy shit is Carlin gonna give him what for.

Piss! Shit! Fuck! Cunt! Cocksucker! Motherfucker! Tits!
We'll miss ya, George.

The Trooth OR: I Can't Feel My Face

2008-06-20T13:11:00.010-04:00

So, four of my wisdom teeth were yanked out of my head Wednesday.
Surprisingly enough, my face didn't balloon up like Abobo , and save for a little wooziness and insatiable cravings for solid foods, things are coming up alot more Milhouse than I may have imagined. The people at The Experience Project are either James Frey-ing up their stories, or are total wussies.

The only bummers so far are the drugs; or more the days-long drug haze they put me in. That and my Mashed Potatoes and Kraft Dinner diet leaves alot to be desired. Oh, and the whole first day I was unable to feel the left side of my face. No biggie.

I was going to take before and after jaw-swelling pictures, but it never happened.

Oh Hey! As I'm writing this, the doorbell rang, and a friendly delivery man from the unknown-to-me DHL Express company had an over-night express envelope with my name on it, from Santa Monica. "Been There!" the Delivery man gloated, as he had me chicken scratch "MaTT" on his contraption. "Beautiful Area!" "Damn, that Madonna fan on eBay must have taken my threats seriously" I thought to myself, thinking the package was an exeedingly late payment for some Madge-Merch I was selling. As it turns out, it was a care package from the Jackass Guys!

Thanks, Jackassworld.com!
Oh, and SAVE JACKASS WORLD!
(Evidently they're in danger of losing funding...not from over-night postage costs I hope...haha)

One thing I've been meaning to write about was Tuesday evening's activities. Mark and I went and saw Vancouver sensations Aspirations (whoa, rhymes). Here's a review!

Aspirations
June 17th, 2008 - The Bovine

Their stage set-up took about 30 seconds to set up, basically plugging the laptop into the PA and playing a few seconds, and they were ready. But as they were about to begin, I noticed something missing. There were 2 dudes mic checking. Then the music started and one of them said "Whats up, we're Aspirations!" and they went into the first song "10729 King George Hwy".
"Wow, the girl singer has really let herself go!" I quipped to a friend of mine.
As it turns out, The girl half of the band is a nurse at a children's hospital and is under strict contract to be there, and thus can't tour. Bummer. The contrasting guy/girl vocals was pretty much my favorite aspect of the band.
Her parts played through the Laptop with her male replacement singing along sometimes, and other times not. He could best be described as the lead singer's hype man. The Flava Flav to his Chuck D, the Spliffstar to his Busta Rhymes, etc. I think he was kind of just up there to keep the dude company.
Past that setback, all 15 minutes or so of their 4-song set was really enjoyable. The songs are really top notch, and the set was very high energy, lackluster live presentation notwithstanding.

(L-R - 1/2 of Aspirations, Some Guy)

More Later....

a little patience...

2008-06-19T14:26:00.004-04:00

Hey Turkies,

I'm cooking up some new writings for dat ass, but in the mean time I thought I'd give ya something to listen to.

Guns N Roses - Chinese Democracy!

14 years in the making, Axl has crafted one of the best Comedy albums ever.

Enjoy!

PS. If that doesn't do anything for ya; New Zero Punctuation!

d'oh!

2008-06-17T01:52:00.004-04:00

Buenos Dias Deglectorino,

Its been a couple of days since I've done any of the usual daily stuff (blog, WiiFit, cooking, etc.). Its not you, it's me. freals.
That headache didn't let up, and led into a sore throat and a pretty gnarly tooth ache, both of which have mostly subsided. But it kind of threw the routine for a loop.

I'm not looking forward to what my WiiFit trainer is going to say about my absence, but the day I care about taking shit from a video game character is the day I'll stop caring about things like being fit as I'll have become the worst kind of nerd. I'd get a subscription to World of Warcraft, write pornographic Final Fantasy fan fiction and spend the rest of my time dreaming of a girl who will dress up like Mai Shiranui and call me "Galaxian the Conqueror, Lord of my loins and Master of the level 9 pleasure staff" without a hint of sarcasm.

*ahem*

SO...that weather has been pretty crazy. I saw both beautiful sunlight and violent hail storms today.

See? Hail.

So, Wednesday morning I'm getting four my teeth violently ripped from my skull. Needless to say in the aftermath I'll have plenty of time to sit around, update this silly blog, and eat non-solid foods.
Warning: said updates may be really loopy. fun!

PS. I hope you all downloaded Firefox 3 today.

ow.

2008-06-13T01:04:00.008-04:00

I have a headache.
Out of nowhere, its like Louie Anderson is breakdancing on my skull. Its not even a charming headache like if Chris Farley was Chip n Dales dancing on my skull. Now THATS a headache I can get into! No, sir, this is John Popper from Blues Traveller using my brain as a bouncy castle while doing improvisational jazz on his harmonica.

I even have a small chicken burrito from Burrito Boyz (AKA my favorite food ever) waiting to be microwaved, and I'm not even into it. Something really must be on the fritz.

Said Burrito.

I kind of just want to play one of those Solitudes CDs with my eyes closed, but as I'm not a new age flake and morally object to paying $25.99 for a CD of water sounds, so good ol'silence will have to do. Maybe I'll turn a faucet on. I wonder If used for relaxation, does turning on your faucet constitute unfair use of intellectual property? Can't be too careful I suppose. If the RIAA and the Hydro companies ever teamed up they'd be unstoppable. So many lawsuits. So frivolous. So much frivol.

I wonder what the solitudes guy (ok, the late Dan Gibson, thanks Wikipedia) would listen to when he got headaches. Slayer?

WiiFit: Day 3

2008-06-12T03:35:00.005-04:00

Today is day 3 of my rigorous WiiFit Training. During the course of ~~playing~~ rigorous training, three things have become clear:

1. I am slightly overweight
2. I have terrible balance
3. My Mii Creations are making this game a freak show.

You see, upon getting myself a Wii, one of the first things I amused myself with was making Miis that were bordering on completely inappropriate. Oh, How I giggled at playing God.
Now, months later, after real games (along with rarely playing it at all) became the central focus of my Wii gaming experience, My island of Misfit Mii's long forgotten, WiiFit will have me out on a fun run and The Devil will run through the park with a small dog and wave at me. I'll be doing Step Aerobics with Raoul Duke and Jesus.
I think the surrealism really hit me hardest last night during the Hoola Hoop™ challenge. Firstly, apparently the best place to practise hoola hooping on a Telemundo set. Secondly, My two assigned helpers, given the task of throwing me additional Hoola Hoops, were none other than my Father, and Adolf Hilter.
(the operative word in that last sentence was the "and")

To the left is my Dad, and to the right? Hitler.

So, if you're the type who likes to make embarrassing pelvic motions in front of your TV, while your father teams up with the leader of the nazi party to throw Hoola Hoops at you on the set of a Spanish game show, WiiFit's got you covered. Hows that for an glowing endorsement?

Layout Woes OR: I don't care about the baby with the back penis...

2008-06-11T02:19:00.003-04:00

After setting up my account, I spent the first little while dicking around with Blogger's templates. I understand why the Blogspot people want to make layouts easier; because with everyone and their parole officer starting a blog, it needs to be easy for grannies who don't know how to construct HTML Frames to put up posts about Worthers Originals or how the nurses are stealing their money.
Unfortunately for anyone with even a passing knowledge of web design and an imagination, it makes it really constrictive and frustrating.
As it stands now I have something of a scaled down (practical?) version of the grandiose design I had in my head, I'll probably be slowly implementing more and more dumb ideas into it, but for now I kind of dig the stark black and white and Helvetica.
Simplicity is the new fanny pack.

(Fun fact: In the UK, "Fanny" means pretty much the opposite of what it means here, Try it out!)

Coming Late to the Party,,,

2008-06-10T23:23:00.007-04:00

So I figured I should write some sort of intro to this thing before I just start posting whatever inane thoughts come into my head along with videos of people getting kicked in the balls. Before it ultimately becomes an entry into my collection of unfinished projects. I guess I should start by saying that I realize that I'm way late to the party in regards to the whole "Blogging" thing.

Not to get all cantankerous, but I don't even like Blogs. I definitely hate the word "Blog". The only Blogs I read are people who's work I enjoy in another medium, and as I result am curious to peek into their personal spot on the internet. But these are the minority in the I-Refuse-to-use-the-term-"Blogesphere". Most blogs suck.

But there's no denying they're here to stay. Blogs have turned gossipy queens into this generation's Joan Rivers, and a Blogger recently won an Oscar for best writer.
It's safe to say if it ever was a "fad" it's long over.
So maybe that's why I feel okay about writing one now? It's not exactly like you can say I'm hopping on the bandwagon. Or am I?

Personally, I've had various permutations over the years, but they were always very "anti-blog", or atleast that's how I would justify them. "If I don't talk about myself ever, it's not like one of those stupid emo blogs" I'd say. I would hope it would go without saying that I won't be talking about how my life is an infinite abyss of sorrow (because it is! sob.) and won't contain deep contemplative posts regarding ceramic hair straighteners. But, atleast to some degree, I will be talking about ME.
Which, I'm still not 100% comfortable with.

Exam Question - Writer A decides to not write a blog, as much as he/she'd probably enjoy working on it, because they're more or less convinced that nobody gives a shit, and furthermore believes people who harbor delusions that anyone cares what they have to say are in love with themselves and should die in hotel fires.
Writer B decides to write a blog because, while he/she is also convinced that nobody cares, he/she doesn't care that nobody cares.
Which writer cares less, and is thus, you know, cooler?

Right now, I guess I'm rolling with B. Although I still haven't decided which is the better viewpoint. It seems like the more you scream "I don't give a fuuuckk!!" it becomes more and more apparent to anyone with a brain who's listening just how much of a fuck you do indeed give. So lets get lame. Fuck it, Might be fun.

So, here I am, a decade or so late to the party...Hey, is that booze, you know...for anyone?

- m.

ps. Here's some things that have been amusing me lately, including, as promised, a man being kicked in the balls.

The Fight Face (featuring Andrew WK)

Johnny Knoxville helps a newly sober Steve-O atone

Jon Favreau answers Fan Questions about IronMan 2, Avengers, Ghostface & More.

Ch-Ch-Check it Out!

2008-06-09T21:02:00.002-04:00

one, two...one, two....