A six year old with a cardboard box, selling a "frank appraisal of your looks" OR: Boycott cocaine the pissing Calvin

Me, Calvin and Hobbes go way back*.
I don't remember exactly how we were first introduced, but I think it was around the 3rd grade. I became addicted to spaceman spiff, the transmogrifyer, stupendous man, the snowmen, and of course G.R.O.S.S.'s president-for-life and first tiger. Now, as someone with all the books, the hardbound collectors set, and a Calvin and Hobbes tattoo, my respect for not only the work, but the spirit and integrity of Bill Watterson has only grown in leaps and bounds over the years.

I mean here's a guy that could now be swimming in a indoor pool of gold and diamonds, for the sheer marketability of his creations. If not for Watterson's strict anti-merchandising stance, there could have been any number of TV series', shitty Sega Genesis games, stuffed replica Hobbes, etc (Garfields with suction-cup hands anyone?). But what nobody counted on was the man's admirable and steadfast integrity.
Perhaps more than anyone else, he's a guy who's hand I'd like to shake, but have such respect for his much-guarded privacy, that I wouldn't try.

In the parlance of current-day Kevin Smith, He's very Gretzky.



C+H ended off at it's peak in 1995, on a fairly wide-open yet auspicious note, leaving many to wonder what the future held for the duo.

One theory that Calvin went onto become the narrator (Or "Jack") in the book-turned-film "Fight Club" was theorized by Mr. Galvin P. Chow and grew in popularity over the internet. While I'm sure it's not not what Watterson nor Palahnuik had in mind exactly, but the correlations are too many to not be an amusing read. You can find that theory in "You do Not talk about Fight Club" or in it's original place of publish HERE.

Others use Calvin's imagination for cheap gags regarding his coming of age years. (here and here)

and lastly there was this picture, Posted in the Digg community, that I think has come closest to the Magic of the original comic...


Unlike Jay-Z, Michael Jordan or the Get-Up Kids, whose retirements didn't take, or were never meant to, Bill Watterson will likely never revisit Calvin and Hobbes. Whether it's Bill Russel level curmudgeonry, or a desire to not see his magnum opus pimped out like Charles Shultz or Jim Davis before him, or just an admirable commitment to artistic integrity, it seems now after just over 13 years, it's safe to say Watterson is happily retired.
But it's a true testament to it's lasting impression that we've now gone longer since Calvin and Hobbes ended than we had with them, and people still want to know whats happening with the imaginative six year old and his stuffed companion.





* Unintentional Pun.

Coffee? OR: Bordom breeds passive contempt

Recently I attended Bloor Cinema's launch of the Toronto's "Wright Stuff" film series, curated by Mr. Edgar Wright, director of Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and a series thats very dear to my heart, the wonderful Spaced.
Launch night was a double bill of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, and it was there that I had a missed connection with the woman of my nightmares dreams.

You sat behind me at Saturday's Edgar Wright double bill at the Bloor Cinema. I didn't notice you during Shaun of the Dead, which I was able to enjoy with relative peace. You came into my world during Hot Fuzz, a movie which you clearly enjoy, as you felt it necessary to shout every line at the screen as it was happening, in a hackneyed british accent. Everytime I thought you might have left or passed out, I'd be blissfully reminded with a clever shriek of "HOMOS!!" or "YEAH BOOBS!!" that would penetrate my soul and cause my fists to clench uncontrolably. Your intolerable wails continued for the duration of the film, your shrill, piercing squawks accenting every joke of Mr. Wright's film. My attention couldn't help but be divided between trying to enjoy the film, and trying to conceive of a way to tell you to shut the fuck up without the guy you were with getting all alpha-male on me and defending your honor. By the end of it all I would have rather listened to the death rattle of a newborn baby than another one of your abhorrent screams.

But then the strangest thing happened. I think it was around the time your cell phone wouldn't stop going off during Edgar's Q&A, that I realized I didn't want to put your face through a wall, so much as I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I imagined a lifetime of ruined movies. All my DVDs would now have an extra unwanted commentary track, and take on whole new miserable meanings. We would get married and go on long walks on the beach where you would shout "BULLSHIT!!" at sunrises. We would go to funerals of loved ones, where you could scream "Hurry up, Faggots!" at the pallbearers.

It would be a life where silence was an abstract concept as oppose to an attainable reality. You could be the nails on my chalkboard.

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself.

Coffee?

You can find the original Missed Connection Here

Pop culture ramble # 72814 OR: Why Mickey was Robbed

Watching the 81st annual Oscars last night was not nearly as painful as I had thought. Sure, Hugh Jackman's grandiose production numbers were a touch embarrassing (Wolverine doesn't sing and dance in tails, guy), but the show in and of itself wasn't that bad. Sure, it's Hollywood being self congratulatory, but everyone loves movies, and theres nothing wrong with celebrating the medium every so often. I think the worst part of any award show is the peripheral pre and post shows, where culturally bankrupt media outlets send their shallowest correspondents to try and drum up enthusiasm for celebrities and judge them based on what their stylist picked out for them to wear.

Natalie is STOKED to be photographed.

So I skipped the part where they revive Joan Rivers and drag her reanimated corpse around to sass people with actual careers (or do they just rely on bitchy overweight gays to MSpaint cum on their mouths now? thus lowering the bar even further...), and just watched the damn show.

(search for "Zombie Joan Rivers", and you get this)

Bullet Points!!

• Ben Stiller's Joaquin Phoenix impression was amusing, but isn't parodying a parody a little much? Joaquin's whole Letterman fiasco couldn't have been more obviously staged (as a part of the mockumentary he's making with Casey Affleck). In parodying a movie that hasn't even been released, Stiller's kind of getting into Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer territory. Eep.
  
  
• Is it just me, or was the evenings big winner, Slumdog Millionaire, just like a more mainstream accessible version of City of God?
  
  
  
• As my title indicates, Mickey Rourke was robbed, and I think everyone knows it. Sean Penn, while a competent albeit overrated actor, was playing the part of a real person. All Penn had to do was watch the documentary about his life and learn a few of his mannerisms. The audiences pre-awareness of the actual person does the leg work. It's basically just doing an impression. Whereas Mickey had to invent a character. Perhaps Randy "The Ram" Robinson doesn't have the same kind of depth as Harvey Milk, but The Ram was a total fuck up, and Mickey Rourke made you care about him. I had more invested in The Ram in half of 1 movie than I did in Rocky after 6 movies.
  
  Plus, who else can rock not only a pinky ring, but Dentures with a silver tooth??
  I mean really.
  
  Heres the acceptence speech from his win at the independant spirit awards, why couldn't this have happened at the oscars? damn...
  
  
  
• And lastly...
  
  Well deserved.
  

What If: Forrest Gump led a rag tag group of soldiers OR: Oh Hi, Inglorious Basterds Trailer!

So THIS is what Quentin Tarantino has been doing when he isn't busy not making the motherfucking Kill Bill special edition fucking DVD, already.

heh, Hitler.
Neat.

21st Century Breakdown OR: Can Banksy sue people?

Not sure how I feel about the title/cover. From what I've heard (and now seen) it's shaping up to cover many of the same themes as American Idiot.

That said, new music from Green Day is never not exciting.

The Cheese went bad OR: Hey, Fuck You Michael Cera!

Imagine a world where people have memories 2 months long. Where sheer repetition is applauded and mediocrity holds sway. Imagine a world where people absolutely never tire of stories featuring nervous, awkward 19-24 year old protagonists.

This is the world in which Michael Cera lives.


The AV club reported this week as a part of their "Weekly Buzzkills" (on a story that MTV news picked up on) that apparently Michael Cera continues to be the lone hold-out on the much anticipated "Arrested Development" movie. Apparently now that he's a big movie star, he has better things to do that appease the very people who got him there.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed his stuff thus far (I mean cripes, I was Paulie Bleeker for Halloween), but I imagine he thinks that people are never going to get sick of him playing a nervous kid in his late teens or early twenties. That theres a never ending torrent of scripts being mailed to right his front door where he just needs to show up and be charmingly befuddled. But, the truth is he's been stretching whats basically 1 character for an entire TV show run, 3 big movies and a web series.


Not even Pauly Shore kept peoples interest with 1 character for that long.
Some actors can, but Michael Cera isn't Woody Allen, or even Stephen Wright. He's Pauly Shore, and right now is about time that the short-lived "Pauly" is being canceled and people are starting to go "...you know what? Fuck the Weasel!"

"Well, maybe he's TRYING to get away from that one character, hence not wanting to reprise it in an Arrested Development Movie..."

I hear you Italics, but now that the cat's already been let out of the bag, it's kind of a bitch move to not do the movie. I mean, Bill Murray has been nominated for an Oscar, and is still down for Ghostbusters 3, and this guy is too too cool for school already?

What he should do is triumphantly return to the role that thrust him into the spotlight, and then move onto being a jittery bomb disarmer or badass with a heart of gold eskimo fireman, or a Jive Talking Robot , or whatever the devil it is he wants to do. Retire the awkward teen, but not before you send George Michael Bluth out with a bang. It's well deserved. He's been waiting for a bang for several years now. Make it happen.



ps. I should also mention: If this post contains anything that may bother, or be in any way disagreeable to one Miss. Ellen Page, I can take it down. Seriously. I don't mean to dis your boy. Nothing but love for ya, boo.

Oh No You Didn't! OR: YES WE DID

As I write this I'm just arriving home from watching Barack Obama's historic inauguration at a jam-packed Bloor Cinema, with chants of "Yes We Can" from fellow jubilant onlookers still ringing in my ears (along with the less rousing "We will, We will Barack You!"). While not quite Washington, I felt as close as I could be with the thousand or so people watching, cheering, booing and laughing. It was a celebration (bitches).

What was most surprising was not only the sheer amount of people, but also the diversity in the crowd. Not only were there the expected college-age political nerds and abroad Americans, but also many elderly folk, business types, toddlers in OBEY-styled Obama shirts and even a school field trip or two.

Seeing it with a crowd really emphasized many of the more memorable moments; The unabashed cheering when Obama was sworn in. The laughs provided by the bible big enough to bludgeon an infant to death with that Joe Biden used to be sworn in on. The boos, hisses and chants that accompanied every shot of now ex-president George w. Bush, and that purple and yellow scarf/turtleneck combo that made him resemble a Batman Villain. Most of all the heartfelt applause that trailed every line of Obama's first speech as President.

It was definitely a morning I didn't regret getting out of bed early for.
Heres to the next 4 years being better than the last 8.

- Matt,
Self-appointed Canadian Ambassedor for Good-Times, Obama Adminestration

ps.

I shot this video for all who couldn't attend. The Oath and subsequent reaction. Enjoy!

2008 OR: "Go On..."

Hey Kids!

Did you miss me during my completely planned 2-week sabbatical? I know I failed to mention the break any time beforehand, but rest assured, I didn't just get busy with other things like the holidays, moving and a subsequent bout of illness. I wouldn't do that to you. I would always find time to blog (I wish the same could be said for that lazy little scamp over at Mambo about Masonry...).

Anyways, long before I ever had a blog (or Al Gore gave us the Internet), I would always make Top 10 lists. About everything. Me and Rob Gordon from High Fidelity were very much kindred spirits. Top 10 breakfast cereal mascots. Top 10 zingers delivery by Hobbes the Tiger. and on and on. At the end of the year, I'd gather up the big ones, Best albums, Best movies, etc. I'd like to pretend I was a celebrity panelist for Spin or Rolling Stone and dole out my whimsical opinion to the masses.
Now with the internet, and blogs, it's not only the bass player from Interpol who can see his Top 10 list be seen. Everyone can, and more importantly, by the time this goes up, everyone has.

But, like the very spirit of coming late to the party that spawned this blog in the first place, here's my much belated top 10 stuff of the year list...like you give a rat's ass...


Top 10 albums
The past year feels like I've been in my own little bubble. A lot of the music I bought this year we re-releases, or otherwise considered "back catalog", and thus, for the first time in a number of years I had a hard time coming up with 10 albums for my top 10...

1. Dillinger Four - C I V I L W A R
2. Alkaline Trio - Agony and Irony
3. H2O - Nothing to Prove
4. Aspirations - EP!
5. International Superheroes of Hardcore - Takin' it Ova!
6. Murs - Sweet Lord/For President
7. Atmosphere - When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold
8. Foxboro Hottubs - Stop, Drop & Roll!!
9. Amanda Palmer - Who Killed Amanda Palmer
10. The Game - L.A.X.

Disappointments: Reggie and the Full Effect - Last stop: Crappytown, Lil Wayne - The Carter 3

Anticipated:
Green Day - TBA
Thorns of Life - TBA
Brand New - TBA
Lily Allen - It's not me, it's you
New Found Glory - Not Without a Fight
Lifetime 7" on No Idea
Get-Up Kids Reunion tour

Albums that may never be released but are none-the-less anticipated:
Ghostface & Doom - Swift and Changeable
Ol' Dirty Bastard - A Son Unique
Raekwon - Only Built for Cuban Linx 2
Dr. Dre - Detox


Top 10 Movies
This year I watched 117 movies (I counted) that I had not seen before. A good percentage were released in 2008, which I think was a stellar year for movies in general. Here were my favorites...

1. Dark Knight
2. Iron Man
3. Zack and Miri Make A Porno
4. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
5. Wall-E
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
7. The Wrestler
8. JCVD
9. Burn After Reading
10. Cloverfield

Honorable mentions: Seven Pounds, Kung Fu Panda, Funny Games, Son of Rambow, Milk

Anticipated: Watchmen, Inglorious Basterds, Fanboys, Monsters v. Aliens, the Rum Diary, I love you man, Funny People, The Other Side of Truth, Arrested Development, Bruno

Worst: You might as well live
(luckily, I saw this as a test screening, and I'm certain it will never be released)

Top 5 Documentaries

1. Religulous
2. Confessions of a Superhero
3. Wesley Willis's Joyride
4. Gonzo: The Life and Work of Hunter S. Thompson
5. D-Tour: a Tenacious documentary


In the past there have been other categories, but I don't watch enough TV anymore, and I'm no longer one for thinly veiled relationship references, so I guess thats about it!

PS. In case you didn't get the memo (or xmas card):
ME AND BATMAN.
It's on, bitches.