The Cheese went bad OR: Hey, Fuck You Michael Cera!

Imagine a world where people have memories 2 months long. Where sheer repetition is applauded and mediocrity holds sway. Imagine a world where people absolutely never tire of stories featuring nervous, awkward 19-24 year old protagonists.

This is the world in which Michael Cera lives.


The AV club reported this week as a part of their "Weekly Buzzkills" (on a story that MTV news picked up on) that apparently Michael Cera continues to be the lone hold-out on the much anticipated "Arrested Development" movie. Apparently now that he's a big movie star, he has better things to do that appease the very people who got him there.

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed his stuff thus far (I mean cripes, I was Paulie Bleeker for Halloween), but I imagine he thinks that people are never going to get sick of him playing a nervous kid in his late teens or early twenties. That theres a never ending torrent of scripts being mailed to right his front door where he just needs to show up and be charmingly befuddled. But, the truth is he's been stretching whats basically 1 character for an entire TV show run, 3 big movies and a web series.


Not even Pauly Shore kept peoples interest with 1 character for that long.
Some actors can, but Michael Cera isn't Woody Allen, or even Stephen Wright. He's Pauly Shore, and right now is about time that the short-lived "Pauly" is being canceled and people are starting to go "...you know what? Fuck the Weasel!"

"Well, maybe he's TRYING to get away from that one character, hence not wanting to reprise it in an Arrested Development Movie..."

I hear you Italics, but now that the cat's already been let out of the bag, it's kind of a bitch move to not do the movie. I mean, Bill Murray has been nominated for an Oscar, and is still down for Ghostbusters 3, and this guy is too too cool for school already?

What he should do is triumphantly return to the role that thrust him into the spotlight, and then move onto being a jittery bomb disarmer or badass with a heart of gold eskimo fireman, or a Jive Talking Robot , or whatever the devil it is he wants to do. Retire the awkward teen, but not before you send George Michael Bluth out with a bang. It's well deserved. He's been waiting for a bang for several years now. Make it happen.



ps. I should also mention: If this post contains anything that may bother, or be in any way disagreeable to one Miss. Ellen Page, I can take it down. Seriously. I don't mean to dis your boy. Nothing but love for ya, boo.

Oh No You Didn't! OR: YES WE DID

As I write this I'm just arriving home from watching Barack Obama's historic inauguration at a jam-packed Bloor Cinema, with chants of "Yes We Can" from fellow jubilant onlookers still ringing in my ears (along with the less rousing "We will, We will Barack You!"). While not quite Washington, I felt as close as I could be with the thousand or so people watching, cheering, booing and laughing. It was a celebration (bitches).

What was most surprising was not only the sheer amount of people, but also the diversity in the crowd. Not only were there the expected college-age political nerds and abroad Americans, but also many elderly folk, business types, toddlers in OBEY-styled Obama shirts and even a school field trip or two.

Seeing it with a crowd really emphasized many of the more memorable moments; The unabashed cheering when Obama was sworn in. The laughs provided by the bible big enough to bludgeon an infant to death with that Joe Biden used to be sworn in on. The boos, hisses and chants that accompanied every shot of now ex-president George w. Bush, and that purple and yellow scarf/turtleneck combo that made him resemble a Batman Villain. Most of all the heartfelt applause that trailed every line of Obama's first speech as President.

It was definitely a morning I didn't regret getting out of bed early for.
Heres to the next 4 years being better than the last 8.

- Matt,
Self-appointed Canadian Ambassedor for Good-Times, Obama Adminestration

ps.

I shot this video for all who couldn't attend. The Oath and subsequent reaction. Enjoy!

2008 OR: "Go On..."

Hey Kids!

Did you miss me during my completely planned 2-week sabbatical? I know I failed to mention the break any time beforehand, but rest assured, I didn't just get busy with other things like the holidays, moving and a subsequent bout of illness. I wouldn't do that to you. I would always find time to blog (I wish the same could be said for that lazy little scamp over at Mambo about Masonry...).

Anyways, long before I ever had a blog (or Al Gore gave us the Internet), I would always make Top 10 lists. About everything. Me and Rob Gordon from High Fidelity were very much kindred spirits. Top 10 breakfast cereal mascots. Top 10 zingers delivery by Hobbes the Tiger. and on and on. At the end of the year, I'd gather up the big ones, Best albums, Best movies, etc. I'd like to pretend I was a celebrity panelist for Spin or Rolling Stone and dole out my whimsical opinion to the masses.
Now with the internet, and blogs, it's not only the bass player from Interpol who can see his Top 10 list be seen. Everyone can, and more importantly, by the time this goes up, everyone has.

But, like the very spirit of coming late to the party that spawned this blog in the first place, here's my much belated top 10 stuff of the year list...like you give a rat's ass...


Top 10 albums
The past year feels like I've been in my own little bubble. A lot of the music I bought this year we re-releases, or otherwise considered "back catalog", and thus, for the first time in a number of years I had a hard time coming up with 10 albums for my top 10...

1. Dillinger Four - C I V I L W A R
2. Alkaline Trio - Agony and Irony
3. H2O - Nothing to Prove
4. Aspirations - EP!
5. International Superheroes of Hardcore - Takin' it Ova!
6. Murs - Sweet Lord/For President
7. Atmosphere - When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold
8. Foxboro Hottubs - Stop, Drop & Roll!!
9. Amanda Palmer - Who Killed Amanda Palmer
10. The Game - L.A.X.

Disappointments: Reggie and the Full Effect - Last stop: Crappytown, Lil Wayne - The Carter 3

Anticipated:
Green Day - TBA
Thorns of Life - TBA
Brand New - TBA
Lily Allen - It's not me, it's you
New Found Glory - Not Without a Fight
Lifetime 7" on No Idea
Get-Up Kids Reunion tour

Albums that may never be released but are none-the-less anticipated:
Ghostface & Doom - Swift and Changeable
Ol' Dirty Bastard - A Son Unique
Raekwon - Only Built for Cuban Linx 2
Dr. Dre - Detox


Top 10 Movies
This year I watched 117 movies (I counted) that I had not seen before. A good percentage were released in 2008, which I think was a stellar year for movies in general. Here were my favorites...

1. Dark Knight
2. Iron Man
3. Zack and Miri Make A Porno
4. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
5. Wall-E
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
7. The Wrestler
8. JCVD
9. Burn After Reading
10. Cloverfield

Honorable mentions: Seven Pounds, Kung Fu Panda, Funny Games, Son of Rambow, Milk

Anticipated: Watchmen, Inglorious Basterds, Fanboys, Monsters v. Aliens, the Rum Diary, I love you man, Funny People, The Other Side of Truth, Arrested Development, Bruno

Worst: You might as well live
(luckily, I saw this as a test screening, and I'm certain it will never be released)

Top 5 Documentaries

1. Religulous
2. Confessions of a Superhero
3. Wesley Willis's Joyride
4. Gonzo: The Life and Work of Hunter S. Thompson
5. D-Tour: a Tenacious documentary


In the past there have been other categories, but I don't watch enough TV anymore, and I'm no longer one for thinly veiled relationship references, so I guess thats about it!

PS. In case you didn't get the memo (or xmas card):
ME AND BATMAN.
It's on, bitches.

Xmas Eve OR: Kill the Advent Calander Day

It seems Negativity and Cynicism are the primary currency for a lot of Blogs. It's easy to let your mind go down many different creative avenues when you talk about things you don't like. Whether it's a case of knowing ones strengths, or simply laziness, many blogs thrive on negativity, and as much as I'm as guilty a participant as anyone else, I try to make a conscious effort to not make this a site where I bitch about things and thats all.

That said, it's Christmas time, and just like boner pills, the season's inferred positivity can sometimes be underscored by negative side effects. If you ask me, the salt on that open wound is Christmas Music. No haphazard trip through an overcrowded mall can go without the hum of tinny Christmas cheer in your eardrums, causing your eyes to glaze over and your urge to murder rise.

So without further ado, Here's the Top 3 Worst Christmas Songs Ever:

3. The Christmas Shoes
Patton Oswalt does a hilarious bit about just hard morbid and terrible the song is, and I can't write up my own description without feeling like it would plagiarize his bit, and he does it much better anyways, so I'll just link it, with my firm endorsement. Check that out here.
Fuckin' Creepy!

2. Baby, it's cold outside
I've only recently discovered this, but now that I've come to this conclusion, I can't see this song as anything else:

This song is a musical date rape.

For those who are unfamiliar, it's a call and response type duet between a man and woman, wherein the man is, with increasing force, trying to get the woman to stay to (presumably) have sex with him.
Here are a few lines to give you an idea:

"The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer"

Thats really only a prelude to "I should really g-- DON'T TOUCH THE DOOR!!" etc.
Add to the fact that the most recent incarnation of this song to gain attention is a duet between Anne Murray and Michael Buble just makes it all the more disturbing. I'm sure sprightly young, 33-year old Michael Buble is ready to do whatever it takes to get into the granny panties of someone 30 year his senior. That makes me vomit into my own mouth.


1. Paul McCartney - A Wonderful Christmas Time
Really, Paul McCartney, Really!?!
You wrote fucking "Hey Jude", man. How does this happen?
It's like if Van Gogh were alive 11 years after doing "Starry Night", and he was drawing gimpy, foot-obscured Rob Liefeld drawings.
The B-Side of "Wonderful Christmastime" is (seriously) called "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reggae". Do I even want to hear that?? Will it make my ears fall off? Would listening to this song fall into the same catagory as watching viral gross-out videos?

So, as I said earlier (when I wasn't likening the Christmas season to erectile dysfunction medication) blogs can be entirely too negative, so to counteract this, I've dusted off a Christmas Compilation I put together last year, and made a few adjustments (like Punk-O-Rama 2.1).

DOWNLOAD IT HERE.

enjoy!

Rage Against the Packaging Regulations OR: yes, it always does come down to Batman in the end.

I've never been much of a flag waver, But living in Canada has it's advantages for sure. Our health care is free, we have ample blogs to celebrate our music scenes, the majority of funny people are from here (or the UK), and our overall rep' in the world isn't nearly as tarnished as the people living below us.
But there are also a few major bummers, one of which made itself abundantly clear last week.

See, most packaging in Canada has to be Bilingual, except in Quebec, where everything can be only in French. I'm not a graphic designer, but as a design enthusiast, I can only imagine this is absolutely killing the creativity in that field. Like clean yet effective labeling? I know I do. Well, you're out of luck, as you must include the French translation.
How are people suppose to know it's Grapefruit Juice if it's only labeled "Grapefruit Juice" and it shows a picture of a grapefruit next to a glass of pink or yellow liquid?? You had better put "jus de pamplemousse rouge" in a slightly smaller typeface.

This unfortunate situation same to a head last week with the much anticipated release of Dark Knight on DVD. Ofcourse, there were many different exclusive versions, and a multitude of different packaging options for nerds like me to deliberate on (and deliberate I did!). But in Canada, they all had "Le Chevalier Noir" on them, and they all looked fucking silly.


I mean, look at this one:


That Joker is such a diabolical mastermind. He even took the time to write "Why So Serious" in English AND French, to get his grim, bloody message across to people of both languages. How unsettlingly sinister.

Even the awesome Jokerized back cover is made to look ridiculous by the inclusion of french!

It's a well documented fact amongst movie fans that DVD packaging is often pretty shitty. It serves a different purpose than the official poster, which is usually cool, or the Teaser poster, which is usually the best of all 3. DVD packaging throws subtlety to the wayside and has a tenancy to make the stars faces the focal point of the cover, so that when housewives are idling through Walmart will say to themselves "Well, I just love Rene Zelwigger" and buy a DVD, regardless of the story or anything else. So, There are enough problems with lame DVD package design without having it muddled and underscored even more by bilingual packaging regulations. Personally, I've taken to downloading covers from other countries as replacements.

You fail, Canadian packaging regulations. You're killing your father. I award you no points.

Frenchman Artwork on top by Aaron Hammersley.

O.M.G.S.A.D. W.T.F. OR Who do you love, little girl?

Hey! What do you know. On the same day I discover Dave Carnie's been doing an under-the-radar food blog ("Food On Drunk"), I too, become a published food writer, thanks to Angela's "Hamblogger with Cheese". So, check out my "review"of East Side Mario's burger.

Now, I sort of think that "Seasonal Affective Disorder" (get it?? S.A.D.!) is complete bullshit. Bad weather makes everyone a little down, and I'm no different, but a legitimate medically recognized mental health disorder? Thats a little much.
That said, I do feel as if I've needed some cheering up lately, and maybe you do too, so here's some things that have done it lately, in point form:

• Robocop Rap
• No Cake for Lil' Adolf Hitler
• LOST season 5 preview
• Cop thinking he's overdosed on weed brownies
• Lonely Island's "Incredibad" album details
  

If you've got something totally amusing to share, leave it in the comments. Lets open up a healthy dialogue! Lets hunker down for a rap session, kids!

Anyhoo, I've been knee deep in work and working on other projects, But I'll be back with a real post tomorrow. Promise.

King Goodtimes and his Young Ward. Or: Bloggin' 'Bout Bill Murray.

Reading this article only compounded the urgency in which I'd like to put this out there right now: Bill Murray, I would LOVE to hang out with you.
Much like Ben Stone's not entirely unwarranted assumption that he and Vince Vaughn would make for good friends in Knocked Up (because "Like, I think he'd want to hang out with me") I would make the same not unwarranted claim about Bill Murray. I concede that I'd be more like his partying sidekick, The plucky young Carrie Kelly to his aging Bruce Wayne, in that parlance of Gotham. But, there wouldn't be no party like a Bill and Matt party (as the assumption would be that it don't stop).
I'd almost like to be best friends with him more than I'd like to be best friends with Burt Reynolds, and anyone who knows me knows the weight of that sentence.

Imagine you were throwing a party and Bill and I showed up? You'd stop worrying about the enjoyment of your guests and memorability of your party immediately and just start letting the party flow through you like an Andrew WK song wave pool. You'd know right then and there that this would be the best party you'd ever have. You'd reconsider your previous assumption that your best days might be behind you, and you'll find yourself in one of those rare moments when you actually are aware of a life changing moment as it happens. "This is now, and I'm partying with Bill Murray (and Matt), and this a night I'll remember forever." you'd think.

All thanks to Bill Murray.
and you know, it probably wouldn't be the first time.

Sunday Afternoon Random Or: when we're holding hands it's just like having sex to me

First and foremost, above all else:




The Lonely Island do it again!
It seems like every year around this time, the dudes really step it up and do a fantastic music video (starting with "Lazy Sunday", continuing with "Dick in a Box", etc.) but this one was different, in that for the first time, all 3 of the dudes were in the video, and Jorma was prominently featured. It would be cool if Jorm got more screen time on SNL (he was rumored to be becoming a "featured player" a while back) but I think they really should just get their own show.
Awesometown was the best slept-on pilot since Heat Vision and Jack, I think it's time (SNL contracts not withstanding) they gave it another whirl.


From the frivolous lawsuit dept. Joe Satriani is suing Coldplay for damages and "any and all" profits the band may have made from the song "Viva La Vida", which he says has stolen from his intellectual property. You can watch a comparison video HERE.
From where I'm standing, All that comparison really shows is that Coldplay are tasteful with their subtlety, and Satriani has about all the subtlety of a jackhammer. He just can't help himself from turning every song into a guitar wank fest.
It's a pretty typical chord progression, and the melody diverges from similarity half way through. If you ask me, Satriani is just jealous because the masses like understated pop music more than endless guitar soloing.
You don't see any lawsuits happening with the Boulevard Of Broken Dreams/Wonderwall/That simple plan song similarities. Or from Waiting on the World to Change/Sexual Healing, or Nickleback with that other nickleback song.
Suck it up!

Lastly, I used to think that Ben Stein was a pretty smart guy. I would watch his game show on the Comedy Network and marvel at the amount of trivia knowledge he had. I liked his bravado and he was rarely beaten by his lowly contestants. It wasn't as good as "Beat the Geeks", but what is?
Anyways, all of that went down the toilet with the release of Stein's "eXpelled: No Intelligence Allowed" documentary, which actually equates Darwinism to Nazism. I imagine he saw it as the other side of the coin to Bill Maher's "Religulous". Luckily, it couldn't muster a theatrical release, and nobodies buying the DVD. Best of all was this week, when Roger Ebert called him on his shit.
This was my first time reading Roger's Blog but I'm thinking it won't be the last. Infact, I've already sought out a movie he reccomended on his Top 20 of 2008 list (which he actually included Dark Knight, Iron Man and Wall-E on, to my plesant surprise).