On this, the evening I will experience a
new film by
Quentin Tarantino, the man who has crafted some of my very favorite films, I will tell you the story of one that's not only polar opposite, but also timely as it's recently reared it's ugly head. Simply put:
The worst movie I've ever seen in a movie theatre.
It was a more innocent time, the summer of 2008. This very blog was in it's infancy, The democrats were deciding between a charismatic black man and a shrewish old harpie in a pant-suit, and the world had become enamored with a young,
well fed Michael Phelps. I was wandering around the
ScotiaBank Theatre Paramount, I believe there to make use of their bathroom facilities on one of my many marathon walks, when a woman approached me with a clipboard. I don't remember what her exact pitch was, but it was something to the effect of "Do you like these movies" and on her clipboard read the following:
Knocked Up
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
Wedding Crashers
Napoleon Dynamite
and a few more. I liked all of these movies*. I believe she also asked me if I liked Micheal Madsen. "Sure, who doesn't?" She then offered me free tickets to a test screening of a new Michael Madsen comedy, thats stylistically in the same vein as the movies listed on the sheet.
Sounds awesome, right?
A couple weeks later, we arrived in a timely fashion as part of a completely packed audience. Evidently, there are a lot of people out there who like the idea of a free movie. What I also noticed was the variety of demographics represented. I even noticed a cute elderly couple, in their 80s if a day, a couple of rows behind us. We were all ready for a good time at the movies.
The movie we saw was called "You might as well live". It centers around a completely unlikable character named Robert Mutt, whom I'm sure the writers thought would come off as endearing a la Napoleon Dynamite, but ends up just being loathsome. Michael Madsen's character, a bit-part at best, is Clinton Manitoba a childhood hero of Mutt's, who doesn't show up till 2/3rds into the movie. The movie takes Mutt from a mental ward, to an S&M party, to being a drug mule, and many other over the top situations all on a journey to "be somebody". Highlights include gratuitous penis shots, and watching Robert Mutt take a shit into a tire. The gross-out humor fell so flat, I found myself feeling embarrassed for the elderly couple who had been duped into watching it.
When the credits rolled and the lights came up, I noticed something; Of the 300 capacity theatre, about 40 people remained till the end of the movie and received comment cards.
Theres a moment in the overlooked film "
What Just Happened?" where a film producer played by Robert DeNiro, looks over the comment cards from a test screening, and to his shock the comments are uniformly, aggressively negative. About 45 minutes into this movie, I knew the only reason I was staying was to do my part as a test audience member, and the rip this movie apart on my comment card, for the betterment of mankind.
When the time came, I ripped it a new asshole, and while feeling that I had wasted 2 hours, I left content that at least that terrible movie will never see the light of day.
Cut to last week, when while walking to work, I noticed this looking me in the face...
It took them over a year, but it looks like it's actually coming out.
Long story short: Avoid this movie like an STD.
You've been warned.* Napoleon Dynamite to a much lesser extent than the rest. In fairness, it's due to factors having nothing much to do with the initial watching experience. The film itself is quirky and funny, but the amount of people immitating the character (see also:Austin Powers, Ace Ventura & Borat), and the amount of film makers who think a few quirky characters and a hand-writing font makes a good movie (and the studios that fund them) have soured my overall opinion of it.
