24.12.08

Xmas Eve
OR: Kill the Advent Calander Day

It seems Negativity and Cynicism are the primary currency for a lot of Blogs. It's easy to let your mind go down many different creative avenues when you talk about things you don't like. Whether it's a case of knowing ones strengths, or simply laziness, many blogs thrive on negativity, and as much as I'm as guilty a participant as anyone else, I try to make a conscious effort to not make this a site where I bitch about things and thats all.

That said, it's Christmas time, and just like boner pills, the season's inferred positivity can sometimes be underscored by negative side effects. If you ask me, the salt on that open wound is Christmas Music. No haphazard trip through an overcrowded mall can go without the hum of tinny Christmas cheer in your eardrums, causing your eyes to glaze over and your urge to murder rise.

So without further ado, Here's the Top 3 Worst Christmas Songs Ever:

3. The Christmas Shoes
Patton Oswalt does a hilarious bit about just hard morbid and terrible the song is, and I can't write up my own description without feeling like it would plagiarize his bit, and he does it much better anyways, so I'll just link it, with my firm endorsement. Check that out here.
Fuckin' Creepy!

2. Baby, it's cold outside
I've only recently discovered this, but now that I've come to this conclusion, I can't see this song as anything else:

This song is a musical date rape.

For those who are unfamiliar, it's a call and response type duet between a man and woman, wherein the man is, with increasing force, trying to get the woman to stay to (presumably) have sex with him.
Here are a few lines to give you an idea:

"The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer"


Thats really only a prelude to "I should really g-- DON'T TOUCH THE DOOR!!" etc.
Add to the fact that the most recent incarnation of this song to gain attention is a duet between Anne Murray and Michael Buble just makes it all the more disturbing. I'm sure sprightly young, 33-year old Michael Buble is ready to do whatever it takes to get into the granny panties of someone 30 year his senior. That makes me vomit into my own mouth.


1. Paul McCartney - A Wonderful Christmas Time
Really, Paul McCartney, Really!?!
You wrote fucking "Hey Jude", man. How does this happen?
It's like if Van Gogh were alive 11 years after doing "Starry Night", and he was drawing gimpy, foot-obscured Rob Liefeld drawings.
The B-Side of "Wonderful Christmastime" is (seriously) called "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reggae". Do I even want to hear that?? Will it make my ears fall off? Would listening to this song fall into the same catagory as watching viral gross-out videos?

So, as I said earlier (when I wasn't likening the Christmas season to erectile dysfunction medication) blogs can be entirely too negative, so to counteract this, I've dusted off a Christmas Compilation I put together last year, and made a few adjustments (like Punk-O-Rama 2.1).

DOWNLOAD IT HERE.

enjoy!

19.12.08

Rage Against the Packaging Regulations
OR: yes, it always does come down to Batman in the end.

I've never been much of a flag waver, But living in Canada has it's advantages for sure. Our health care is free, we have ample blogs to celebrate our music scenes, the majority of funny people are from here (or the UK), and our overall rep' in the world isn't nearly as tarnished as the people living below us.
But there are also a few major bummers, one of which made itself abundantly clear last week.

See, most packaging in Canada has to be Bilingual, except in Quebec, where everything can be only in French. I'm not a graphic designer, but as a design enthusiast, I can only imagine this is absolutely killing the creativity in that field. Like clean yet effective labeling? I know I do. Well, you're out of luck, as you must include the French translation.
How are people suppose to know it's Grapefruit Juice if it's only labeled "Grapefruit Juice" and it shows a picture of a grapefruit next to a glass of pink or yellow liquid?? You had better put "jus de pamplemousse rouge" in a slightly smaller typeface.

This unfortunate situation same to a head last week with the much anticipated release of Dark Knight on DVD. Ofcourse, there were many different exclusive versions, and a multitude of different packaging options for nerds like me to deliberate on (and deliberate I did!). But in Canada, they all had "Le Chevalier Noir" on them, and they all looked fucking silly.


I mean, look at this one:


That Joker is such a diabolical mastermind. He even took the time to write "Why So Serious" in English AND French, to get his grim, bloody message across to people of both languages. How unsettlingly sinister.

Even the awesome Jokerized back cover is made to look ridiculous by the inclusion of french!

It's a well documented fact amongst movie fans that DVD packaging is often pretty shitty. It serves a different purpose than the official poster, which is usually cool, or the Teaser poster, which is usually the best of all 3. DVD packaging throws subtlety to the wayside and has a tenancy to make the stars faces the focal point of the cover, so that when housewives are idling through Walmart will say to themselves "Well, I just love Rene Zelwigger" and buy a DVD, regardless of the story or anything else. So, There are enough problems with lame DVD package design without having it muddled and underscored even more by bilingual packaging regulations. Personally, I've taken to downloading covers from other countries as replacements.

You fail, Canadian packaging regulations. You're killing your father. I award you no points.

Frenchman Artwork on top by Aaron Hammersley.

16.12.08

O.M.G.S.A.D. W.T.F. OR
Who do you love, little girl?


Hey! What do you know. On the same day I discover Dave Carnie's been doing an under-the-radar food blog ("Food On Drunk"), I too, become a published food writer, thanks to Angela's "Hamblogger with Cheese". So, check out my "review"of East Side Mario's burger.

Now, I sort of think that "Seasonal Affective Disorder" (get it?? S.A.D.!) is complete bullshit. Bad weather makes everyone a little down, and I'm no different, but a legitimate medically recognized mental health disorder? Thats a little much.
That said, I do feel as if I've needed some cheering up lately, and maybe you do too, so here's some things that have done it lately, in point form:
If you've got something totally amusing to share, leave it in the comments. Lets open up a healthy dialogue! Lets hunker down for a rap session, kids!

Anyhoo, I've been knee deep in work and working on other projects, But I'll be back with a real post tomorrow. Promise.

10.12.08

King Goodtimes and his Young Ward.
Or: Bloggin' 'Bout Bill Murray.


Reading this article only compounded the urgency in which I'd like to put this out there right now: Bill Murray, I would LOVE to hang out with you.
Much like Ben Stone's not entirely unwarranted assumption that he and Vince Vaughn would make for good friends in Knocked Up (because "Like, I think he'd want to hang out with me") I would make the same not unwarranted claim about Bill Murray. I concede that I'd be more like his partying sidekick, The plucky young Carrie Kelly to his aging Bruce Wayne, in that parlance of Gotham. But, there wouldn't be no party like a Bill and Matt party (as the assumption would be that it don't stop).
I'd almost like to be best friends with him more than I'd like to be best friends with Burt Reynolds, and anyone who knows me knows the weight of that sentence.

Imagine you were throwing a party and Bill and I showed up? You'd stop worrying about the enjoyment of your guests and memorability of your party immediately and just start letting the party flow through you like an Andrew WK song wave pool. You'd know right then and there that this would be the best party you'd ever have. You'd reconsider your previous assumption that your best days might be behind you, and you'll find yourself in one of those rare moments when you actually are aware of a life changing moment as it happens. "This is now, and I'm partying with Bill Murray (and Matt), and this a night I'll remember forever." you'd think.

All thanks to Bill Murray.
and you know, it probably wouldn't be the first time.


7.12.08

Sunday Afternoon Random
Or: when we're holding hands it's just like having sex to me

First and foremost, above all else:




The Lonely Island do it again!
It seems like every year around this time, the dudes really step it up and do a fantastic music video (starting with "Lazy Sunday", continuing with "Dick in a Box", etc.) but this one was different, in that for the first time, all 3 of the dudes were in the video, and Jorma was prominently featured. It would be cool if Jorm got more screen time on SNL (he was rumored to be becoming a "featured player" a while back) but I think they really should just get their own show.
Awesometown was the best slept-on pilot since Heat Vision and Jack, I think it's time (SNL contracts not withstanding) they gave it another whirl.


From the frivolous lawsuit dept. Joe Satriani is suing Coldplay for damages and "any and all" profits the band may have made from the song "Viva La Vida", which he says has stolen from his intellectual property. You can watch a comparison video HERE.
From where I'm standing, All that comparison really shows is that Coldplay are tasteful with their subtlety, and Satriani has about all the subtlety of a jackhammer. He just can't help himself from turning every song into a guitar wank fest.
It's a pretty typical chord progression, and the melody diverges from similarity half way through. If you ask me, Satriani is just jealous because the masses like understated pop music more than endless guitar soloing.
You don't see any lawsuits happening with the Boulevard Of Broken Dreams/Wonderwall/That simple plan song similarities. Or from Waiting on the World to Change/Sexual Healing, or Nickleback with that other nickleback song.
Suck it up!

Lastly, I used to think that Ben Stein was a pretty smart guy. I would watch his game show on the Comedy Network and marvel at the amount of trivia knowledge he had. I liked his bravado and he was rarely beaten by his lowly contestants. It wasn't as good as "Beat the Geeks", but what is?
Anyways, all of that went down the toilet with the release of Stein's "eXpelled: No Intelligence Allowed" documentary, which actually equates Darwinism to Nazism. I imagine he saw it as the other side of the coin to Bill Maher's "Religulous". Luckily, it couldn't muster a theatrical release, and nobodies buying the DVD. Best of all was this week, when Roger Ebert called him on his shit.
This was my first time reading Roger's Blog but I'm thinking it won't be the last. Infact, I've already sought out a movie he reccomended on his Top 20 of 2008 list (which he actually included Dark Knight, Iron Man and Wall-E on, to my plesant surprise).

4.12.08

New Profile Picture
OR: I lead a boring life.

Now that it's the 4th of December, I decided to take down the picture of me in my Halloween costume that was currently adorning my Facebook profile and roll with something new.
I went with one that was taken at some point last week, I can't really remember when:

Kind of drab, right?
It might not be as exciting as my Halloween picture, but I thought it was important to not live in the past, and show that with the weather getting colder, life has a tendency just to slow down a bit.
But hey, things will pick up. Christmas is just around the corner.

2.12.08

Triple B
OR: This one is not about being fucked to death by a horse...or is it?

So let it first be known that I feel like a bit of a douchenozzle bloggin' 'bout Britney, but I saw this today and I couldn't help it.

Ok, so Britney, and her team of handlers, yes-men and hangers-on are people who have to be acutely aware of public perception. They aren't selling music as much as they are selling her. So, you would think would shy away from things that make her look bat-shit crazy right? I mean she's trying to move past that stage...right?


"So, Britney, whats happening in this picture?"
"Oh, This was the other day, I was just hanging out in bed with my boots on, smiling maniacally when FuzzyButtons, my midget clown butler, decided to burst through my genie beads and surprised me with a 2 layer birthday cake.
This was Thursday, I think."


ps. as an addendum to yesturday's post, THIS was brought to my attention. It's a documentary about the lets-just-say "Horse Lover" video, the events leading up to it, and the trial of the camera man, charged with accessory to murder. Gnarly.

1.12.08

Effed Up Ess
OR: It could always be worse...

The vast majority of internet videos seem to fall into 1 of 3 categories; Funny, Gross and Rick Astley.

One I've seen linked all over the place lately has sort of captured my imagination, though not for it's content. Everywhere I see this posted, it's always described as "SOOOOO WRONG!!!11" and "Watch this and a piece of your soul dies!!"...


Not that bad, right?
I don't see what the big deal is. Someone edited a song from an Icelandic children's show with a particularly adult song by a particularly ridiculous American rapper, with hilarious results. What a juxtaposition!
I was mildly amused, the song still routinely finds itself in my head (shit's catchy, it could easily be a Britney Spears song), but I certainly wasn't scarred for life.

Of the 3 catagories I mentioned earlier, I'm definitely prefer "Funny" YouTube videos, although it wasn't always that way. There was a time in my youth when I would see how much gross I could take.

That got me to thinking, What IS the most scarring thing I've ever watched on the internet?
My gut reaction would be to link to that BrokeCyde video a few posts back, but thats more angering than anything else. There was of course the big "2 Girls 1 Cup" craze that was huge about a year ago, and while that was gross, it wasn't what I'd call particularly unsettling. Plus, all of the hilarious reaction videos make up for the first time you were tricked into watching.

I guess the worst I ever saw was the infamous Budd Dwyer suicide video. I watched it at my friend Italo's house one night, as I believe we were discussing fucked up videos we had seen. He watched it like it was just another day at the office. He's also dead inside.
Now, there are plenty of videos on the internet of people being shot, but the way the camera follows the body down and lingers is really the worst part. You'd think in a time of panic, the camera would jerk away, but apparently Ricky Fitts from "American Beauty" was filming that day, and he stayed right with it. The blood coming out of his nose isn't the trickle into a small pool you see in the movies, it's like turning a faucet on all the way. Ugh.

I think thats when my short lived fascination with challenging myself to watch gross things peaked, and since that faithful evening, I've heard of 2 videos that sound way worse that, despite my curiosity, I don't think I'll be watching. The first is the "BME Pain Olympics: Final Round", which came into popularity around the same time as 2G1C, and had similar reaction videos posted. The notable difference being that, while 2G1C yields mostly laughs and head turns, the BME pain Olympics is almost always shock and horror. I half heartedly tried to find this video, mostly to send to my pal Mike, who was on a similar gross-out-quest at the time.
But I never found it and I'm glad I never did.
The second is one I won't ever be seeking out, but Joe Rogan has seen it, and his description of it was enough for me.
What happens in this video, you ask?
Well, A man gets fucked to death by a horse.

So, next time you're expounding at great length on what a soul crushing video it is on youtube that you're linking, just remember: You could be watching a man get fucked to death by a horse.
and theres no amount of Lil Jon that will ever make that funny.

28.11.08

Black Friday
OR: "What about nigga Tuesday?"

I for one, am glad I am not being trampled for household electronics.
The white trash running of the bulls can go on without me. Call me a pussy, but I'm not willing to take a punch to the mouth for a 20% off George Foreman grill. I don't really care enough to step on an elderly woman's neck to get to an Xbox, as if it's the cure for ass cancer, or alternately be gored by that same old woman's walker as she fiercely battles for the last portable DVD player priced at $3.99.

So, This is what I did instead:

My Mom and I's incredibly crowded Xmas tree.

I realize these sorts of things don't happen as much in Canada. Usually these types of stampedes are reserved for Boxing Day, where creatures descend into the early morning like zombies, frothing at the mouth, only able to utter a single garbled word: "Deeaaallsss". If I had my way, I'd have no part of that either, but something tells me that, as with previous years, I'll be thrown into the thick of it, regardless.
So, today I take comfort in being indoors, putting up Christmas trees, and grinning as I type words like "Ass Cancer" into my laptop.
Happy Black Friday.

27.11.08

Thursday Night Random
Or: Defining Irony

It's a rare occurrence, but sometimes an event is so deliciously ironic, it makes me wonder if there isn't some supernatural being pulling the strings.
Ann Coulter's mouth is currently wired shut!
Thanks, God.

Speaking of which...


Great commercial or greatest commercial?

26.11.08

As the days go by-y-y-yyyy
OR: Stand back kids, and watch Dylan's Dad Explode.

When I was but a wee lad, for some reason I watched a lot of Family Matters. This is something of a confession, because while I have nothing but positive feelings of pure, smile-inducing nostalgia for other shows of the time, like Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Saved by the Bell, I don't have a single positive memory associated with Family Matters. I don't remember ever thinking to myself "This is hysterical, I wish it would never end", like I did with "In Living Color". They never even had a classic "Dylan's Dad explodes" and/or "I'm so excited!" funny-but-not-supposed-to-be moment. No, Family Matters was never funny.

And yet still I watched, like every week.
I suppose this can be attributed to not thinking critically about TV at a young age. It was ON, of course I was going to watch. Maybe it was my lack of interest in reading, or the non existence of the internet at that point, and thus lack of entertainment options? I doubt it, it's not like there weren't other channels, or a Nintendo.

So what was it that drove me (or at least me at 8 years old) to tune into the crowning jewel of ABC's T.G.I.F. line-up?

I'm thinking the opening title sequence MUST have had something to do with it.




Things of note about that opening title sequence
  • My initial recollection of it was that each character was doing something pertaining to their character type, noticed the viewer, and kind of did an "Oh Hey!" as if to say they were happy you were about to join them in one of life's adventures for the next 22 minutes plus commercials.
    But upon reexamination, the doing stuff to smiling at you transition is a lot more fluent, and as a result, much creepier. It's as if Eddie always knew you were there, but he was wiping down that car anyways.

  • See the youngest daughter, Judy? After 4 seasons, she just disappeared. They never mentioned her going away to camp, or getting hepatitis C, or being crushed by a comet made of frozen astronaut piss. She just vanished. On later episodes her parents would make reference to their TWO children. Ouch.


    After that, actress Jaimee Foxworth's parents dwindled away her trust fund, and Foxworth got started a 2 year stint in Porn, under the name "Crave".



  • That hip grandma! She reads RollingStone articles about U2! Seeing her do young person things is funny...Because she's old!!
    Estelle Windslow had a little more depth to her then that, but not much. She was basically the predecessor to "Rapping Granny", which, to my estimation, is the point at which all other unfunny things are compared.


  • Towards the end, as the song swells to it's climax, and we see the entire family on a recreational bike ride, Carl Windslow looks alot like the coach from Mike Tyson's Punch Out.

  • That song. Listen to Slayer all you want, it'll be in your head all day. It was written and preformed by the same musical genius that did the Full House and Step by Step themes. Oh, You're done for. Just embrace it.


So, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on people who watch terrible TV shows, especially if they're only 8. Maybe this very same phenomena is to blame for the success of shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Corner Gas", and the comparative failure of shows like Arrested Development and jPod?

Fuck, Little kids are retarded.

20.11.08

What. The. Fuck.
OR: Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul

I wasn't going to blog today, but then this fell into my lap.




I first saw this thinking it was satirical, and for a while, I thought it was one of the best things I'd ever seen. If this were a parody, it would be absolutely hysterical.
But, yeah, it isn't.

I'm having trouble even finding the words for this.
A lot of times, I can understand a bands appeal even if I don't like them. But this...It's like someone took everything that's wrong with music and youth culture in 2008 and combined them all into a 4 minute assault on all that's right with the world.
The only way I think it would be more infuriating is if they all wore bluetooth headsets and there was a verse done by Avril Lavigne, during which the other guys get into blackface and vote Republican.

To quote Eric Cartman from last week's South Park "Alright, thats it. I give up. If thats what's popular now, I'm going home to kill myself".

17.11.08

"It's been a long time coming...we're the Get Up Kids"

Holy Crap!
Reunion show videos!!

Holiday (11.16.08)


Out of Reach (11.16.08)


Ten Minutes (11.16.08)

More...


My Apology (11.16.08)


Long Goodnight (11.16.08)


I'll Catch you (11.16.08)


The One You Want (11.16.08)


Mass Pike (11.16.08)

Yo Gabba Blogga
Or: DJ Lance taught me similes.

For about the last month or so, I've been pretty addicted to watching the show "Yo Gabba Gabba". It's a show for 3 to 5 year olds that plays on Treehouse TV in Canada, and I've ordered my PVR to record every episode that comes on. It really makes me smile.



It's basically about 4 monsters and a robot, who live and learn in GabbaLand, a place which seems to be lorded over by DJ Lance Rock, a human with a flashy fashion sense. It was created by members of The Aquabats, and is basically what happens when really cool indie/punk people get their own children's show. (Did I mention that Biz Markie, Mark from Devo and Sarah Dwyer all have regular segments?)
As with a show like Pee Wee's Playhouse, you can really tell those who are making it are having just as much fun as those who are watching. Take this exchange for example, after DJ Lance Rock sees 2 of the monsters playing with a toy rocket:

"I wish I could fly like that."
"But DJ Lance Rock, can't you fly like that?"
"...Oh yeah! I can!"

DJ Lance Rock then begins to fly around the room, going "WEEEEEEE!!" and waving to the camera as he flies by. Mention of DJ Lance Rock's flying ability has never been mentioned before or since.
Fucking amazing.

Perhaps most interesting of the monsters is Muno (pronounced "Moon-O"), the cyclops. Muno has a high pitched voice that makes me think of pre-pubescent boys, at that age where they can't help but be totally annoying when they talk. Whoever does the voice acting captures this brilliantly.
The person I equate this voice to the most was a friend I had in the first grade named Stephen. Not "Steve" or "Lil Stevie", He was "Stephen". I always think it's odd when little kids use the full version of their name. Like kids who call themselves "Jonathan" when they're like 6. Theres something off about it, and that was certainly the case with Stephen.
Poor Steven, so gullible.

My primary memory of him, apart from his voice, was that I once told him I was a vampire and he believed me. Some time later I had forgotten about my claim and asked him if he wanted to come to my house after school and he said something like he didn't like graveyards. No shit.
Also, he called his knit cap (or toque) his "Toucan", as if he were wearing a tropical bird on his head during the cold months.
ANY
ways, Muno also looks like a sex toy.



Perhaps the least interesting is Foofa, who looks like a pink grimmace with a flower on her head. Needless to say She's the prototypical girlie girl character. She's most often the victim of Muno's follies. I think she appeals to the same people who use Chun-Li on principle.






Plex is the magic robot. He plays the nerd/responsible role of the gang. Like Simon from the chipmunks or Frylock.
I think they keep him around because he has a car, or incase the cops show up.





Toodee has female characteristics, but isn't the prototypical pink flowery girlie girl like Foofa, She's more tomboyish. Like Skeeter from Muppet Babies, or Buttercup from Powerpuff girls. She's more likely to hang out with dudes and just be whatever about it. Toodee looks most like anything found in nature of all the monsters. Sort of like a blue wolf. She lives in the icy part of GabbaLand.



Wait a sec, what the fuck ever happened to Skeeter?
She was all over Muppet babies, the confident athletic Yin to Scooter's book smart Yang. But then she disappeared. Maybe once they got a little older she just fell out of the whole Muppet scene. Maybe she fell into the wrong crowd, and is a source of shame for her now timid stagehand brother. Maybe she died. Maybe she was just a figment of scooter's imagination like Tyler Durden. The Mystery of Skeeter goes on...


I think my favorite is Brobee ("the little green one"), and not just because he comically has the word "Bro" in his name. He just seems like he'd be the most fun to chill with, you know? He's clearly the best dancer of the group, and sometimes he carries around a sock puppet. Whats not to like? He also has the unique ability to show emotions, as when he's sad, his mouth turns upside down into a worrying frown. But that's pretty rare, Brobee is pretty good times.




Theres also a lesser known secondary character named Gooble, who's always crying. He almost looks like he was salvaged from a rejected Muno prototype costume. He's like the opposite of my bro, Brobee. If Brobee was Andrew WK, Gooble would be Thom Yorke. He's a bummer, like a Debbie Downer or Buzz Killington. or Thom Yorke.





YO! It's almost time to go!
Here's a quick video sampling:

The ever-popular "Party in my tummy" starring my future wingman, Brobee.


An awesome Ska jam about cleaning your room.



The Roots make an appearance on the Super Music Friend Show.

14.11.08

Friday Night Random
Or: This Fortnight or something in Awesome

This week has been another week of half-finished entries, but unlike past unfinished entries, I'm still interested enough to finish them. Eventually.
So stay tuned for those.
In the mean time, here's a few random things:

While still totally ridiculous, I somehow don't find THESE nearly as insulting to the overall ethos of punk rock as the career of Avril Lavigne. However, if you're going to shoehorn the punk aesthetic into something, can you at least make it hilarious?

Speaking of punk...
The Thorns of Life. Oh my.
When two strong forces come together, it can work either way. Just ask R. Kelly and Jay-Z. Their collaborative albums failed miserably. "Best of both worlds" Indeed.
But I have to say, the idea of Blake Schwarzenbach and Aaron Cometbus starting up a band together gives my ears a boner with anticipation.
Thorns of Life = the Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt of Punk.
....Wait, those two consecutive metaphors are unrelated. Nothing about the Jolie-Pitt baby gives my ears or any other part of my body a boner....you know what I meant!!


Keith Olbermann's most recent Special Comment was regarding California's Proposition 8, and it was true to Olbermann's form; well spoken, passionate and largely accurate. Well worth the watch.


Also, the wondertwins, Tegan and Sara also posted impassioned responses to the issue here.

Not to make this too YouTube heavy, but Amanda Palmer just posted a new video for the song "Oasis" off of "Who Killed Amanda Palmer", and it's pretty fantastic.



and lastly, in the world of Blogs apparently your placement on Google is of utmost importance. If your blog can be within the first few results when someone types in something arbitrary like "Porcupine Spikes" or "Astronaut Piss", traffic to your site grows, and attention, revenue, world wide adoration and world wide backlash are sure to follow.

So, file this under humility: When you type something completely non arbitrary and obvious into google, like say "Attack of the Swank", his site isn't even the #1 result. This is.
I guess I've got a long way to go.


ps. Click here to buy that Vagina scented perfume you've been looking for, for that special someone this holiday season (NSFW).

10.11.08

Nevermind Spencer Elden

I'm going to go on record here with a rather controversial opinion, so hold onto your hats: I no longer give a shit about Spencer Elden.

You may ask "Who the hell is Spencer Elden" (after, I suspect, "Why am I reading this?") Well, he's the swimming baby from Nirvana's Nevermind album cover. The album that brought rock back into the mainstream, knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the charts, Freed the slaves, Cured polio and replaced Aunt Vivian on the final seasons of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".



A couple of years ago I was watching an MTV clip show, where I believe people were (rightfully) expounding the virtues of "Nevermind" when a teenage ginger kid popped up on the screen. "Spencer Elden - Nirvana Baby" I believe it said on the lower left of the screen. He then said "It's cool that I'm the Nirvana Baby" or something else equally dim, and it was off to someone else. Possibly Kim Thayl, or members of Mudhoney, who don't seem like so much a band as professional Nirvana documentary participants, these days.

"Hey cool!" I remember thinking. "Someone tracked down the Nirvana dick baby and he looks kind of like Shaun White, only, you know, not obnoxiously talented", and that was that. It was not unlike some of the other "where are they now?" pieces; seeing what Bee-Girl is up to, or watching "Puck" from Real World 2 desperately trying to latch onto any remaining interest in his decade old infamy.

And then I saw another piece on the Nirvana dick baby. and another.
and another.

"Does this kid have an agent that gets him work soley because he was photographed as an infant?" I wondered. How long before he's rooming with Kato Kaelin on the surreal life?

Things covered in every article:
  • He is now, thanks to the magic of the space-time continuum, 17.
  • His parents were paid $200 dollars for the photo
  • He uses bad pick-up lines like "Want to see my penis...AGAIN??"

Instead of constantly rehashing the same info with fluff interviews, why not wait 'till he's actually done something of note? like starting a mediocre indie band, or endorsed a line ot infant swimwear?
Or maybe forget him altogether and dig up some other barely note worthy pseudo celebrity who's actually done something.


SIDEBAR: Jeremy Jackson - "Hobie" from Baywatch, is an example of a pseudo celeb who has done something. Well, by "something", I mean having looking like a Hollywood douchbag down to a science. A douchbagist, if you will. Just look at the longing gaze of his lady paid model...


But, today was the final straw for Spencer Elden:
"Nirvana Baby -- All Grown Up -- Re-Creates Classic Nevermind Cover Image!!"



That's it, Spencer Elden, you're 15 minutes are up. Not only are they up, but they were so overdone, it went from brief, pleasant nostalgia, to mild annoyance, to searing hatred.
You are dead to me, Spencer Elden.

Just like Mikey from Life cereal being killed by Poprocks and Coke, or Leave it to Beaver's Jerry Mathers being killed in 'Nam, at this point, I choose to erroneously believe that you're dead. Let's say that your head was crushed by a comet made of frozen astronaut piss that was discharged in error back in a 2003 rocket malfunction. Sounds plausible, I'll go with that.

Nirvana Dick Baby, 1991 - 2003, died from being crushed by frozen astronaut piss.

Ok, now I feel better.

6.11.08

WILD PARTY LAST NIGHT.

So what happened to you?
Last I heard you were going to some body piercing place? That stuffs too weird for me...

Ok, I'll stop. Is it weird that I know word-for-word an anti-drinking PSA from at least a decade ago? (that I can't find on YouTube anywhere!) Best not to dwell on it I guess.
I mean, That one was alright, but it doesn't come close to "what do you mean you forgot to mail it?? STUPID!! DAMMITYOUCANTDOANYTHINGRIGHT!!". That shit changed my life. But thats another story for another time.

So, as it's plain to see from my past few weeks of entries, and especially these last 48 hours or so, I've been (figuratively) in Obama Country (area code 9021-hope). Everyone seems to be universally optimistic, which is a stark 180 from the last 2 elections, especially 2004. Even people who aren't generally interested in politics are getting enthused about Obama. I'm sure if I lived elsewhere, it might be a different story, but here it's smiles all around.
A victory for common sense.

Sadly though, Obama's historic victory has overshadowed the passing of 2 (maybe more) oppressive bills - California's proposition 8 (which bans gay marriage, which both Obama and Schwarzenegger were publicly opposed to), and an Initiative in Arkansas banning gay couples from adopting children. A giant leap forward for one historically oppressed people, 2 steps back for another. I guess common sense can't win 'em all.


I recently read an interesting piece about John McCain written by comedian and KFC famous bowl enthusiast, Patton Oswalt. He brings a pretty interesting viewpoint to McCains career trajectory, and it's an entertaining read, if you're into that sort of thing. Check it out here.

How was everyone's Halloween? Mine was great. Having the fortune of someone planning their Halloween party for Nov. 1st I was able to turn it into a Halloweekend. Paulie Bleeker was all up ins.

Much to my surprise, My costume predictions were surprisingly inaccurate. I saw a few jokers, but it seemed most people got the memo about me totally trumping them in 2007, and didn't bother. Kudos, would-be poseurs!
Similarly, Sarah Palin's were few and far between. I guess getting the outfit, the glasses, the hair, and staying relatively in character was too daunting for most.

Some of the most popular repeat costumes I saw were: an iPhone, the paperbag princess, and again, Amy Winehouse.

The best costumes I saw were: The yip-yip-yip-uh-huh alien muppets from sesame street, Teen Wolf, Randy Marsh, Nacho Libre, Super Grover, and a couple of Zantas.

Also, on a personal note, as hoped, I met a cute girl with a wildly accurate Juno costume. She even carried a SunnyD bottle. We took a few pictures and I gave her a TCB card with my e-mail, but she never contacted me. (why you frontin', boo? Dag!)
le sigh.

Other than that, and my arduous trek home from night 2 of the halloweekend (briefly touched on in "Mini Attacks") the best story came from just before night one.
I had just met up with my homegirls Steph and Liz at Union Station, and we walked along Front street, by the waiting taxis and hot dog vendors.
Just before getting into a cab, we were approached by a younger guy, early to mid twenties I'd say, who at least presented himself as homeless.
There seems to be an odd commonality with front street beggers, in that they all seem to have fantastic long winded stories, which I've taken to stopping before they start. Not because I'm insensitive to the plight of the homeless, but because usually on front street I'm in a hurry home, and 9 times out of 10 these stories are complete bullshit. You'll get told the exact same one 3 weeks later by the same person, who only needed 2 more dollars to get on the train back home to Notarealplace, Wisconsin.
So as the young man approached and started into "I'm sorry, don't usually do this...I just need..." I didn't break stride and simply said "sorry man, good luck", Steph and Liz however stopped to hear his story. He continued "...I'm not going to ask you for money, I just was hoping you would buy me some food. That way, at least you know where the money is going...". It sounded reasonable, I suppose.
Steph countered with "well, I don't think I have much but if I have it, I'll get you a hotdog". Cheap, near-by and hot. Not only a great choice, but a resourcful homeless person would load up the bun with condiments and additions, and really make a meal out of what was given to him.
But no, This is when the story flips into the fucking bizarro world.
"Well" he stopped her mid-offer, putting his hands up in the stop-right-there motion, "I'm a Vegan."

Seriously.
I couldn't fucking believe what I was hearing. "A vegan" he said!
I have nothing against Vegans, or the Homeless, but if you're in a position where you have to rely on the charity of others for sustinance, thats when veganism and homelessness become mutually exclusive. When you are literally begging people to give you food, you can no longer hang onto your limiting (and, I'm sorry - trendy) dietary standards. The audacity!
Baffled, I laughed and said "Dude, you just defined 'Beggers can't be choosers'" as I walked away. The homeless vegan got nothing.

Today I realized that I've had meat with all 3 meals. Am I subconsciously trying to give myself Gout, to spite the homeless vegan?
"Gout", by the way, along with Monkey Pox and Lupus, are the 3 most fun to say serious diseases there are. GOUT! tee hee hee hee


Buut hey, You're the man, cool guy!
SEEYAATTHEBEACH.

5.11.08

President Obama

I'll expand a bit more on this later, but needless to say, it was a pretty terrific night of TV watching, enthused communications and celebration last night. Not to overstep, but I genuinely think it's one of the most impactful moments of this generation. Last night was pure election elation (ooh! see what I did there?)
Truly inspiring.


Yes We Can.

(more later...)

31.10.08

Hall-o-wee-eee-eee-een

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. Not because I'm a Nightmare Before Christmas pseudo-goth or anything, but I'm a sucker for a good costume, I quite like the fall, and it seems like more than any other holiday, everyone seems to have fun. Christmas can be a drag with shopping and travel. Valentine's day? Forget it, thats always lame. But everyone who wants to have a good time on Halloween will have a good time.

Just, whatever you do, don't be one of those people who comes to the party but is too cool to dress up. Thats grounds for immediate friendship termination.

Tonight I've decided to play a little drinking game with myself. Every time I see one of the following costumes, I'm going to either take a shot, or gulp of my existing drink...

Halloween 2008 costume predictions

Most Popular Guys Costume: The Joker.
It seems to be a pretty popular opinion that this year's batch of Halloween parties are going to be over-run by flimsy renditions of Heath Ledger's Joker. Some may be wise to this and avoid it, but I really don't think people will be able to help themselves.
But, I beat them all to the punch. I was the Dark Knight Joker last year.

Thats right. Kiss the ring, bitches.
(It should be noted, my costume isn't very movie accurate, because at the time, the only picture of the new Joker was the one above, so there was no way to know how he would dress of what his hair was like, so I winged it)

I guess if I wanted to be ahead of the curve again, I'd dress as a character from WATCHMEN.


Most Popular ladies costume: Sarah Palin
I have the feeling this will work out exactly like last years Curse of a thousand Amy Winehouses. It's an easy, topical and mildly funny costume, but I don't think it has the same obviousness that The Joker has. I think, like Amy Winehouse last year, there will be alot of girls disappointed with how many people had the same idea. I'll be impressed if I see one who's staying in character. Which is to say, one that talks and acts like Bobby's mom from Bobby's World.
You betcha!

Costumes I'd like to see (if done well): Lil Wayne, Harvey Dent, Mark Whalberg with animals, Homestar Runner, and finally, a cute girl dressed as Juno for me to engage in intercourse with (I'm being Paulie Bleeker!)

Happy Halloween everybody!


ps. Check out this years edition of the always stellar Homestar Runner Halloween. (Coach Z as DJ Lance Rock! Pom Pom as Scud!!)

pps. Just for fun - Glenn Danzig being knocked out like a bitch

29.10.08

Comics, Mini Attacks, etc.

Hey, how have you been? That's nice.

I added some new junk today, namely that thing on the right called "Mini Attacks" (the name took me about 26 seconds to come up with). It's provided by the good people at Twitter, and apparently it's all the rage right now with the kids. I've yet to have it explained to me how it's any different than the status updates on Facebook, but I guess the advantage here is that it's on here, and not confined facebook. So, now with this magical gadget, I can send updates right to this page with my phone, to let you all know really important things like how I'm organizing my records again or wondering if it's scientifically possible to have ones face rocked off.
Should be fun.

For those keeping score, the 'Org posted another review of mine, this time it was last week's chaotic Monotonix jamboree. I also have one in their mysterious que, which will hopefully see the light of day at some point.

Anyone catch Barack Obama's infomercial?
The idea of buying a half an hour of airtime on the 4 biggest networks in the US, is so Supervillianous, that the ideas it gave me pailed in comparison to what it really was. I pictured it starting with him a a podium, saying something like "My fellow americans, I now have control of your television sets. Change the channel all you want, it's ObamaTime for the next half hour, and just as I now control your TVs, I will soon control your country...with an army of GIANT ROBOT SWANS!!! Muhahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!"
That, or it would be a captivating half hour speech that would go alongside some of his other inspiring speeches from the past few years, because as we all know, Barack doesn't roll with super villians...

Ok, I'll leave it at that. I feel like this is turning into an Obamablog (say that out loud a few times. It's fun to say! OBAMABLOG!!), but what can I say, I'm a fan. I find the dude inspiring.
Years ago Henry Rollins once astutely commented (and I'm paraphrasing) that the US will never have a political candidate that you'd like as much as you like David Lee Roth*. Our generation will never see a President that we genuinely want to stand infront of and go "woooo".
But now I think we sort of do.

* Not the example I'd use, but I digress...

Hey! In lieu of writing an actual end to this blog post, hows about I just sum up what my last trips to my local comic shop have yielded? Sound good? awesome.


Catch ya on the flippity flop

24.10.08

B is for Bullshit (thats good enough for me)

Things just keep getting more and more ridiculous.

So, apparently, Barack Obama supporters are primarily violent criminals, or atleast thats the messages one McCain campign worker would like to send out.
According to this article, Ashley Todd from Pennsylvania claimed to have been robbed by a "dark-skinned African-American, 6 feet 4 inches tall with a medium build and short dark hair, wearing dark clothing and shiny shoes", who then, upon noticing her McCain/Palin bumper sticker, attacked again, this time carving a backwards "B" into her face with a dull knife. "You're going to be an Obama Supporter!" he apparently cackled while mid-carve (I can only assume it was followed by a rousing "Muhahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!", but again, thats speculation).
Both John McCain and Sarah Palin phoned to show their concern. The Obama camp issued a statement. The Drudge Report had a field day.

Oh, but one thing, it was 100% Bullshit!

Today she admitted the whole thing was a hoax. She had scratched the B on her face with her nails, in her rearview mirror, forgetting the basic proprities of a mirror, and the B showed up backwards.

On it's own, this story is both amusing and angering. Theres nothing funny about baiting America's racial tensions for political gain, but such a world class asshole has to be laughed at.

However, something strange happened to me last night that made me see this story a little differently. I was walking home from a rousing and energetic show at the Wrongbar by Isreal's Monotonix, and listening to the audiobook of Barack Obama's "The Audacity of Hope", when an older gentleman approached me. He was quite well dressed in a suit, had thinning white hair, and because of his monocle and pocketwatch, comicly resembled the Monopoly guy. He motioned to me, but I could not hear him. He appeared to mouth something like "Pardon Me, Sir", so I took off my headphones in an attempt to engage with the man. With my headphones off, Barack Obama's smooth timber leaked into the night air, and then something strange happened. The man, hearing the audiobook, was thrown into a violent rage. He removed his monacle, and smashed it on the ground. Confused by what I was seeing, I attempted to sidestep the man and continue on my way, but he was deceptively quick for his age and stature, and picked up a glass monocle shard and lunged at me before I had a chance to escape.
"I'm going to make you a McCain Supporter!!" he said, while punching me in the face. He then took the glass shard, and gave me this...

(Note: the "M" is backwards)

Beaten and cut, I lay on the sidewalk along Queen st, as he jumped in his Bentley, and motioned for his driver to drive away, laughing the whole time. Nobody was on Queen st. to corroborate this story, and I refuse to seek medical attention. But still, you get the idea. Rich white people are fucking scary. Vote Obama!

(and stay classy, GOP.)

21.10.08

Last week in awesome.

I began writing this last week but got side tracked. Typical.

New Green Day footage!!


These are frustratingly vague, but I have high hopes that Butch Vig will repeat his previous successes (Against Me!, Nirvana) and Green Day will go in a good direction on the new record.


"Next Time, Baby" Indeeeeed.
It came down the loop this week that Actor/Singer/Babywhipe Enthusiast Terrence Howard will not be returning for Iron Man II as James Rhodes (AKA War Machine). Apparently the despute was over Howard wanting too much money. War Machine, who is said to have quite a major role in the new film, will now be played by Don Cheadle.
This leaves me with a few questions: Isn't Cheadle a far more respected actor than Howard? How could Terrence Howard reject an amount of money that Don Cheadle is fine with? Is Terrence Howards album not selling too well? Could a baby-whipes endorsement deal pull him out of his apparent money troubles?



H2OBAMA Shirt!


Fuckin' right. This along with the Bad Brains shirt, and the now semi-official Shepard Fairey portrait makes me wonder: does that make Barack Obama the most punk friendly candidate ever?

(Aside: I found this while looking for a decent version of the Obey/Shepard Fairey Obama portrait for my iPhone background. How cool is that?)


The Presidential Debate

Along with the awesome "Zero!?!" deer-in-headlights moment, I think this was my favorite part of the final presidential debate...



"Friends...", "Who is he?" "He associates with Criminals!"
Sound familiar?
Even this "BAT-man!" sort of sounded like "THAT-one!"


Palin as president
Whoever made this site should be given a golden Harley that runs on chocolate. Or atleast a trophy full of steak'ems.

Hot Girls for Obama!
See more Hayden Panettiere videos at Funny or Die


See more Sarah Silverman videos at Funny or Die



Sorry, that one had alot of political junk in it.
Save for skateboarding, and a recent curiosity towards MMA fighting, I'm not at all a sports guy, so when the debates happen, I grab junk foot and glue myself to the TV, shouting at the screen and waving a miniature pennant around. I get to do it for liken 2 months every 4 years (because, as witnessed by Canada's recent election, Canadian elections are boring and largely pointless), so bare with me. It'll be back to comics, movies and getting fat come Nov. 5th.

20.10.08

Blah on the Blogs

I have a case of the Blahs.

I've started no less than 3 articles in the past week or so, that I've scrapped before finishing. I barely squeeked out a review for Punknews.org this week before I had the chance to convince myself it wasn't any good (although the comments section did that for me later...). I just can't stay interested or convince myself that they would make for a worthwhile read. The blog isn't suppose to be high art, but the writer should atleast be convinced the material is worth reading.

I'm starting to wonder if my blog isn't trying to cover too much ground. I was recently asked what my blog was "about", and I didn't really have an answer.
Many of the blogs I like are concentrated to one particular subject, and the writer works within these means. Look at the blogs linked to the left for examples.
I feel like if Chef Ramsey were to look at this, he'd dispense the same advice he does to everyone on "Kitchen Nightmares"; "You fucking cunt -- you need to simplify, and give people what they want!". Then he'd cut my 5 page menu down to one, move some chairs around and leave with us being friends.

But another side thinks that it wouldn't really be my style. My mind is all over the place, and my attention span is ridiculous. Any one subject I decided to concentrate on would inevitably become boring to me before long.

Or maybe I'm just being super lazy.
Did I just convince myself that writing an excuse laden blog entry would get me off the hook for today?
Maybe.

But, in the argument that a blog is something of an online representation of one's self, I guess theres no truer statement than an directionless yet stylish, scatterbrained yet amusing, sparsely updated yet honest one.

So there it is.
I'm going to go do something that isn't this.