Nevermind Spencer Elden

I'm going to go on record here with a rather controversial opinion, so hold onto your hats: I no longer give a shit about Spencer Elden.

You may ask "Who the hell is Spencer Elden" (after, I suspect, "Why am I reading this?") Well, he's the swimming baby from Nirvana's Nevermind album cover. The album that brought rock back into the mainstream, knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the charts, Freed the slaves, Cured polio and replaced Aunt Vivian on the final seasons of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".



A couple of years ago I was watching an MTV clip show, where I believe people were (rightfully) expounding the virtues of "Nevermind" when a teenage ginger kid popped up on the screen. "Spencer Elden - Nirvana Baby" I believe it said on the lower left of the screen. He then said "It's cool that I'm the Nirvana Baby" or something else equally dim, and it was off to someone else. Possibly Kim Thayl, or members of Mudhoney, who don't seem like so much a band as professional Nirvana documentary participants, these days.

"Hey cool!" I remember thinking. "Someone tracked down the Nirvana dick baby and he looks kind of like Shaun White, only, you know, not obnoxiously talented", and that was that. It was not unlike some of the other "where are they now?" pieces; seeing what Bee-Girl is up to, or watching "Puck" from Real World 2 desperately trying to latch onto any remaining interest in his decade old infamy.

And then I saw another piece on the Nirvana dick baby. and another.
and another.

"Does this kid have an agent that gets him work soley because he was photographed as an infant?" I wondered. How long before he's rooming with Kato Kaelin on the surreal life?

Things covered in every article:

• He is now, thanks to the magic of the space-time continuum, 17.
  
• His parents were paid $200 dollars for the photo
  
• He uses bad pick-up lines like "Want to see my penis...AGAIN??"
  

Instead of constantly rehashing the same info with fluff interviews, why not wait 'till he's actually done something of note? like starting a mediocre indie band, or endorsed a line ot infant swimwear?
Or maybe forget him altogether and dig up some other barely note worthy pseudo celebrity who's actually done something.


SIDEBAR: Jeremy Jackson - "Hobie" from Baywatch, is an example of a pseudo celeb who has done something. Well, by "something", I mean having looking like a Hollywood douchbag down to a science. A douchbagist, if you will. Just look at the longing gaze of his lady paid model...


But, today was the final straw for Spencer Elden:
"Nirvana Baby -- All Grown Up -- Re-Creates Classic Nevermind Cover Image!!"



That's it, Spencer Elden, you're 15 minutes are up. Not only are they up, but they were so overdone, it went from brief, pleasant nostalgia, to mild annoyance, to searing hatred.
You are dead to me, Spencer Elden.

Just like Mikey from Life cereal being killed by Poprocks and Coke, or Leave it to Beaver's Jerry Mathers being killed in 'Nam, at this point, I choose to erroneously believe that you're dead. Let's say that your head was crushed by a comet made of frozen astronaut piss that was discharged in error back in a 2003 rocket malfunction. Sounds plausible, I'll go with that.

Nirvana Dick Baby, 1991 - 2003, died from being crushed by frozen astronaut piss.

Ok, now I feel better.