As the days go by-y-y-yyyy OR: Stand back kids, and watch Dylan's Dad Explode.

When I was but a wee lad, for some reason I watched a lot of Family Matters. This is something of a confession, because while I have nothing but positive feelings of pure, smile-inducing nostalgia for other shows of the time, like Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Saved by the Bell, I don't have a single positive memory associated with Family Matters. I don't remember ever thinking to myself "This is hysterical, I wish it would never end", like I did with "In Living Color". They never even had a classic "Dylan's Dad explodes" and/or "I'm so excited!" funny-but-not-supposed-to-be moment. No, Family Matters was never funny.

And yet still I watched, like every week.
I suppose this can be attributed to not thinking critically about TV at a young age. It was ON, of course I was going to watch. Maybe it was my lack of interest in reading, or the non existence of the internet at that point, and thus lack of entertainment options? I doubt it, it's not like there weren't other channels, or a Nintendo.

So what was it that drove me (or at least me at 8 years old) to tune into the crowning jewel of ABC's T.G.I.F. line-up?

I'm thinking the opening title sequence MUST have had something to do with it.




Things of note about that opening title sequence

• My initial recollection of it was that each character was doing something pertaining to their character type, noticed the viewer, and kind of did an "Oh Hey!" as if to say they were happy you were about to join them in one of life's adventures for the next 22 minutes plus commercials.
  But upon reexamination, the doing stuff to smiling at you transition is a lot more fluent, and as a result, much creepier. It's as if Eddie always knew you were there, but he was wiping down that car anyways.
  
  
• See the youngest daughter, Judy? After 4 seasons, she just disappeared. They never mentioned her going away to camp, or getting hepatitis C, or being crushed by a comet made of frozen astronaut piss. She just vanished. On later episodes her parents would make reference to their TWO children. Ouch.
  
  
  After that, actress Jaimee Foxworth's parents dwindled away her trust fund, and Foxworth got started a 2 year stint in Porn, under the name "Crave".
  
  
  
  
• That hip grandma! She reads RollingStone articles about U2! Seeing her do young person things is funny...Because she's old!!
  Estelle Windslow had a little more depth to her then that, but not much. She was basically the predecessor to "Rapping Granny", which, to my estimation, is the point at which all other unfunny things are compared.
  
  


• Towards the end, as the song swells to it's climax, and we see the entire family on a recreational bike ride, Carl Windslow looks alot like the coach from Mike Tyson's Punch Out.


• That song. Listen to Slayer all you want, it'll be in your head all day. It was written and preformed by the same musical genius that did the Full House and Step by Step themes. Oh, You're done for. Just embrace it.
  

So, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on people who watch terrible TV shows, especially if they're only 8. Maybe this very same phenomena is to blame for the success of shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Corner Gas", and the comparative failure of shows like Arrested Development and jPod?

Fuck, Little kids are retarded.