24.12.08

Xmas Eve
OR: Kill the Advent Calander Day

It seems Negativity and Cynicism are the primary currency for a lot of Blogs. It's easy to let your mind go down many different creative avenues when you talk about things you don't like. Whether it's a case of knowing ones strengths, or simply laziness, many blogs thrive on negativity, and as much as I'm as guilty a participant as anyone else, I try to make a conscious effort to not make this a site where I bitch about things and thats all.

That said, it's Christmas time, and just like boner pills, the season's inferred positivity can sometimes be underscored by negative side effects. If you ask me, the salt on that open wound is Christmas Music. No haphazard trip through an overcrowded mall can go without the hum of tinny Christmas cheer in your eardrums, causing your eyes to glaze over and your urge to murder rise.

So without further ado, Here's the Top 3 Worst Christmas Songs Ever:

3. The Christmas Shoes
Patton Oswalt does a hilarious bit about just hard morbid and terrible the song is, and I can't write up my own description without feeling like it would plagiarize his bit, and he does it much better anyways, so I'll just link it, with my firm endorsement. Check that out here.
Fuckin' Creepy!

2. Baby, it's cold outside
I've only recently discovered this, but now that I've come to this conclusion, I can't see this song as anything else:

This song is a musical date rape.

For those who are unfamiliar, it's a call and response type duet between a man and woman, wherein the man is, with increasing force, trying to get the woman to stay to (presumably) have sex with him.
Here are a few lines to give you an idea:

"The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer"


Thats really only a prelude to "I should really g-- DON'T TOUCH THE DOOR!!" etc.
Add to the fact that the most recent incarnation of this song to gain attention is a duet between Anne Murray and Michael Buble just makes it all the more disturbing. I'm sure sprightly young, 33-year old Michael Buble is ready to do whatever it takes to get into the granny panties of someone 30 year his senior. That makes me vomit into my own mouth.


1. Paul McCartney - A Wonderful Christmas Time
Really, Paul McCartney, Really!?!
You wrote fucking "Hey Jude", man. How does this happen?
It's like if Van Gogh were alive 11 years after doing "Starry Night", and he was drawing gimpy, foot-obscured Rob Liefeld drawings.
The B-Side of "Wonderful Christmastime" is (seriously) called "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reggae". Do I even want to hear that?? Will it make my ears fall off? Would listening to this song fall into the same catagory as watching viral gross-out videos?

So, as I said earlier (when I wasn't likening the Christmas season to erectile dysfunction medication) blogs can be entirely too negative, so to counteract this, I've dusted off a Christmas Compilation I put together last year, and made a few adjustments (like Punk-O-Rama 2.1).

DOWNLOAD IT HERE.

enjoy!

1 comment:

  1. chirstmas shoes is awful.

    and i like your labels for this post.

    ReplyDelete