So Click Aprooove!

A few days ago I got a new friend request on the social network de jour, Facebook. Since I've settled in on the site and got my friendships sorted, these kind of requests are few and far between and can usually fall into one of 3 categories.

The first being the hold-outs finally caving into online social pressures and joining the site. I think everyone should have at least a brief period of "I'm too cool for this shit", I know I do, but when it gets to be too long it admittedly gets sort of annoying. They become that friend at your 8th birthday that insists they "don't like" pizza. I'm all for non-conformity, but it generally works best when not either rooted in a lie (everyone likes pizza) or when theres a point to it. Facebook has become a genuinely useful thing, with the only adverse qualities being the slightly unnerving but easily ignorable fact that your info and habits are most likely being sold. But you're not Sandra Bullock and this isn't "The Net" (Π), so relax. Eat the fucking pizza.

The second are friends-of-friends whom I met at a bar or some other social gathering, said we'd add each other to facebook, and then will proceed to never speak to each other again. This is fairly self explanatory; only breifly conversing with someone once isn't great fodder for e-mails or wall posts. It doesn't matter if you saved someones life that night, there isn't a lot you can say beyond "remember when we saved that dudes life...hope he's alright".
So we both let ourselves off the hook and don't bother.

The third is a newer category. The automatically generated by facebook, "People you may know" Category. These are made up primarily of people you do infact know, but not that well. Them adding you is always nice because it's a way of saying "yes, we ARE that close". That, or "I've decided your not THAT much of an asshole". It's taking the friendship to the next level. It's the cheap promise ring of shallow online friend accumulation. Personally, I'm always wary of taking the first step in these situations because I'm afraid of Commitment I always reason that if we have 24 friends in common, theres probably a reason I haven't been added already. Hey, atleast I know they'll be in the "People you may know" box, should I ever need to contact them.

This one however, didn't fit into any of those categories.
This was a lady that I didn't recognize at all.
Although I knew she wasn't one of those weird facebook prostitutes, drunk on the knowledge regardless of talent, she may get an MTV show if she adds enough friends. We had 5 friends in common, but these were all good chums from my High School days. These are dudes that I not only remember but could no doubt have lengthly enjoyable conversations with to this day.
This girl was a complete mystery to me. I tried to find my old High School musical Yearbook, but I couldn't. I didn't want to just reject the request, but I didn't want to add them without some explanation either.

So, I thought the best way to gleam the proper information was with the most spectacular lie I could come up with, so I sent her this.

Hi Melissa,

My name is Miss. Pennycandy and I'm Matt's hospital assigned assistant. I feel I should inform you that back in 2001 there was an "incident" involving Matt. I can only assume you're a friend of his, so this may be hard to hear.
Matt was trying to get his name in the Guinness book of world records for reciting "The Great Gatsby" in it's entirety while underwater, and fell victim to a near lethal combination of water-lung, asphyxiation and mild dyslexia which turned his attempt disastrous, tragically resulting in loss of motor skills, memory, and 1 of his eyeballs. As well, it nearly bankrupting a local goggle manufacturer who acted as his sponsor for the attempt.

It's because of these ailments that I was assigned to help Matt in his day to day tasks, one of which is his online endeavors. You can imagine how hard it must be to operate a computer with bad motor skills and only 1 remaining eyeball. But I digress.
At any rate, I received your add request and when I approached Matt about it (he was soaking in the tub, still chasing his dream, slowly but surely, bless his simple heart) he said something about not remembering anything pre-2001, and then asked if I could make him mini-bagel pizzas.
Perhaps if you shed some light on your post-incident relationship with Matt, it could not only jog his memory but also help with his rehabilitation? It's times like these that he relies on his friends most.

Hope to hear from you,

Miss. Pennycandy, Matt's hospital assigned assistant.

I hope she writes back...