SNIKT! OR: How to avoid disappointment while watching Wolverine (Workprint edition)

(I should mention, for anyone who has a vested interest in seeing Xmen Origins: Wolverine in the theatre, you may want to avoid this post. There are only minor spoilers ahead, mainly in reguard to the movie being a disappointment, but if you want to go into it fresh, maybe stop here)


I, like many other people in the early morning of this years April fools day, came across a link on their Pirate site of choice, which apparently lead to a leaked work print of the new X-Men Origins: Wolverine. "What? This has got to be a joke..." I remember thinking as I clicked the link, getting myself ready to watch some Rick Astley.

But then the movie started, and the rest, they say, is the biggest leak in history.

Now, as Iron Man and Dark Knight showed us, it's really not that hard to do a comic book movie that will remain at least halfway faithful to the comic. In the case of Jon Favreau's Iron Man especially, making little nods to longtime comic fans is half of the charm in that movie.
XO:Wolverine does not do that. At all.
Deadpool never makes a 4-th wall breaking quip about being in a movie, Emma Frost doesn't use any telepathy, and to paraphrase Simon Pegg; the Blob makes X-3's Rick-Jamesian Juggernaut look like Ice Cube from Boyz N The Hood.

But, that doesn't make the movie unwatchable.
You just need to keep a few things in mind while watching.
So, if you have any foreknowledge of the comics, or possess some semblance of common sense, and plan to watch the leaked workprint of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, heres a few pointers to make the film more enjoyable:

• Pretend Will.i.am isn't Will.i.am, but a friend of yours. That way you A) won't feel stupid for watching a movie featuring the terrible acting of the guy who wrote "my humps", and B) you'll be stoked to see your friend in a major motion picture.
  
  
• Use your mind's Charlie Brown filter, and instead of making teachers sound like Trombones, make anyone who says the word "DeadPool" say "Another mutant who is in no way connected to DeadPool". The character in the film is only Deadpool in name only, so if you can filter that out, you're golden.Also, give Gambit an accent of some sort while you're at it.
  
  
• Ignore the part where they say the only way to kill Wolverine is with an adamantium bullet like he's the fucking wolf man. I mean, the movie itself contradicts that statement later on anyways.
  
  
• It should go without saying that suspention of disbelief is essential to enjoying a comic book movie, but suspension of common sense is sometimes essential for this one. So, when someone describes a "deserted secret island", just take it for granted that ambulances and fire trucks can drive there, and people can walk on and off of it (despite originally getting there via jumping out of a plane).
  
  
• Actually, remember when I said to pretend DeadPool is "Another mutant besides Deadpool"? Maybe instead make that "Cybernetic Robot version of Baraka from Mortal Kombat II". Just tell yourself that William Styker is a big MK fan from back in the day and made a giant robot Baraka as a means of dispatching Wolverine. Then When he watches everything through Deadpool Another Mutant Robo-Baraka's eyes like POV porn and commands him with c:/ prompts, it won't seem so batshit ridiculous.
  
• Also, if you're aware of them, forget anything you may know about the fate of Agent Hoover in Preacher, or the death of Darth Maul in Star Wars episode 1. This will make endings for certain characters presented in XO:Wolverine seem original (and with lazer beams!!)
  

Well, I think that about covers it. I've probably come off alot more like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons as usual in this little diatribe, but I do this for your benefit. Enjoy the movie!