Black Friday OR: "What about nigga Tuesday?"

I for one, am glad I am not being trampled for household electronics.
The white trash running of the bulls can go on without me. Call me a pussy, but I'm not willing to take a punch to the mouth for a 20% off George Foreman grill. I don't really care enough to step on an elderly woman's neck to get to an Xbox, as if it's the cure for ass cancer, or alternately be gored by that same old woman's walker as she fiercely battles for the last portable DVD player priced at $3.99.

So, This is what I did instead:

My Mom and I's incredibly crowded Xmas tree.

I realize these sorts of things don't happen as much in Canada. Usually these types of stampedes are reserved for Boxing Day, where creatures descend into the early morning like zombies, frothing at the mouth, only able to utter a single garbled word: "Deeaaallsss". If I had my way, I'd have no part of that either, but something tells me that, as with previous years, I'll be thrown into the thick of it, regardless.
So, today I take comfort in being indoors, putting up Christmas trees, and grinning as I type words like "Ass Cancer" into my laptop.
Happy Black Friday.

Thursday Night Random Or: Defining Irony

It's a rare occurrence, but sometimes an event is so deliciously ironic, it makes me wonder if there isn't some supernatural being pulling the strings.
Ann Coulter's mouth is currently wired shut!
Thanks, God.

Speaking of which...


Great commercial or greatest commercial?

As the days go by-y-y-yyyy OR: Stand back kids, and watch Dylan's Dad Explode.

When I was but a wee lad, for some reason I watched a lot of Family Matters. This is something of a confession, because while I have nothing but positive feelings of pure, smile-inducing nostalgia for other shows of the time, like Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Saved by the Bell, I don't have a single positive memory associated with Family Matters. I don't remember ever thinking to myself "This is hysterical, I wish it would never end", like I did with "In Living Color". They never even had a classic "Dylan's Dad explodes" and/or "I'm so excited!" funny-but-not-supposed-to-be moment. No, Family Matters was never funny.

And yet still I watched, like every week.
I suppose this can be attributed to not thinking critically about TV at a young age. It was ON, of course I was going to watch. Maybe it was my lack of interest in reading, or the non existence of the internet at that point, and thus lack of entertainment options? I doubt it, it's not like there weren't other channels, or a Nintendo.

So what was it that drove me (or at least me at 8 years old) to tune into the crowning jewel of ABC's T.G.I.F. line-up?

I'm thinking the opening title sequence MUST have had something to do with it.




Things of note about that opening title sequence

• My initial recollection of it was that each character was doing something pertaining to their character type, noticed the viewer, and kind of did an "Oh Hey!" as if to say they were happy you were about to join them in one of life's adventures for the next 22 minutes plus commercials.
  But upon reexamination, the doing stuff to smiling at you transition is a lot more fluent, and as a result, much creepier. It's as if Eddie always knew you were there, but he was wiping down that car anyways.
  
  
• See the youngest daughter, Judy? After 4 seasons, she just disappeared. They never mentioned her going away to camp, or getting hepatitis C, or being crushed by a comet made of frozen astronaut piss. She just vanished. On later episodes her parents would make reference to their TWO children. Ouch.
  
  
  After that, actress Jaimee Foxworth's parents dwindled away her trust fund, and Foxworth got started a 2 year stint in Porn, under the name "Crave".
  
  
  
  
• That hip grandma! She reads RollingStone articles about U2! Seeing her do young person things is funny...Because she's old!!
  Estelle Windslow had a little more depth to her then that, but not much. She was basically the predecessor to "Rapping Granny", which, to my estimation, is the point at which all other unfunny things are compared.
  
  


• Towards the end, as the song swells to it's climax, and we see the entire family on a recreational bike ride, Carl Windslow looks alot like the coach from Mike Tyson's Punch Out.


• That song. Listen to Slayer all you want, it'll be in your head all day. It was written and preformed by the same musical genius that did the Full House and Step by Step themes. Oh, You're done for. Just embrace it.
  

So, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on people who watch terrible TV shows, especially if they're only 8. Maybe this very same phenomena is to blame for the success of shows like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "Corner Gas", and the comparative failure of shows like Arrested Development and jPod?

Fuck, Little kids are retarded.

What. The. Fuck. OR: Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul

I wasn't going to blog today, but then this fell into my lap.




I first saw this thinking it was satirical, and for a while, I thought it was one of the best things I'd ever seen. If this were a parody, it would be absolutely hysterical.
But, yeah, it isn't.

I'm having trouble even finding the words for this.
A lot of times, I can understand a bands appeal even if I don't like them. But this...It's like someone took everything that's wrong with music and youth culture in 2008 and combined them all into a 4 minute assault on all that's right with the world.
The only way I think it would be more infuriating is if they all wore bluetooth headsets and there was a verse done by Avril Lavigne, during which the other guys get into blackface and vote Republican.

To quote Eric Cartman from last week's South Park "Alright, thats it. I give up. If thats what's popular now, I'm going home to kill myself".

"It's been a long time coming...we're the Get Up Kids"

Holy Crap!
Reunion show videos!!

Holiday (11.16.08)


Out of Reach (11.16.08)


Ten Minutes (11.16.08)

More...


My Apology (11.16.08)


Long Goodnight (11.16.08)


I'll Catch you (11.16.08)


The One You Want (11.16.08)


Mass Pike (11.16.08)

Yo Gabba BloggaOr: DJ Lance taught me similes.

For about the last month or so, I've been pretty addicted to watching the show "Yo Gabba Gabba". It's a show for 3 to 5 year olds that plays on Treehouse TV in Canada, and I've ordered my PVR to record every episode that comes on. It really makes me smile.



It's basically about 4 monsters and a robot, who live and learn in GabbaLand, a place which seems to be lorded over by DJ Lance Rock, a human with a flashy fashion sense. It was created by members of The Aquabats, and is basically what happens when really cool indie/punk people get their own children's show. (Did I mention that Biz Markie, Mark from Devo and Sarah Dwyer all have regular segments?)
As with a show like Pee Wee's Playhouse, you can really tell those who are making it are having just as much fun as those who are watching. Take this exchange for example, after DJ Lance Rock sees 2 of the monsters playing with a toy rocket:

"I wish I could fly like that."
"But DJ Lance Rock, can't you fly like that?"
"...Oh yeah! I can!"

DJ Lance Rock then begins to fly around the room, going "WEEEEEEE!!" and waving to the camera as he flies by. Mention of DJ Lance Rock's flying ability has never been mentioned before or since.
Fucking amazing.

Perhaps most interesting of the monsters is Muno (pronounced "Moon-O"), the cyclops. Muno has a high pitched voice that makes me think of pre-pubescent boys, at that age where they can't help but be totally annoying when they talk. Whoever does the voice acting captures this brilliantly.
The person I equate this voice to the most was a friend I had in the first grade named Stephen. Not "Steve" or "Lil Stevie", He was "Stephen". I always think it's odd when little kids use the full version of their name. Like kids who call themselves "Jonathan" when they're like 6. Theres something off about it, and that was certainly the case with Stephen.
Poor Steven, so gullible.

My primary memory of him, apart from his voice, was that I once told him I was a vampire and he believed me. Some time later I had forgotten about my claim and asked him if he wanted to come to my house after school and he said something like he didn't like graveyards. No shit.
Also, he called his knit cap (or toque) his "Toucan", as if he were wearing a tropical bird on his head during the cold months.
ANYways, Muno also looks like a sex toy.



Perhaps the least interesting is Foofa, who looks like a pink grimmace with a flower on her head. Needless to say She's the prototypical girlie girl character. She's most often the victim of Muno's follies. I think she appeals to the same people who use Chun-Li on principle.






Plex is the magic robot. He plays the nerd/responsible role of the gang. Like Simon from the chipmunks or Frylock.
I think they keep him around because he has a car, or incase the cops show up.





Toodee has female characteristics, but isn't the prototypical pink flowery girlie girl like Foofa, She's more tomboyish. Like Skeeter from Muppet Babies, or Buttercup from Powerpuff girls. She's more likely to hang out with dudes and just be whatever about it. Toodee looks most like anything found in nature of all the monsters. Sort of like a blue wolf. She lives in the icy part of GabbaLand.



Wait a sec, what the fuck ever happened to Skeeter?
She was all over Muppet babies, the confident athletic Yin to Scooter's book smart Yang. But then she disappeared. Maybe once they got a little older she just fell out of the whole Muppet scene. Maybe she fell into the wrong crowd, and is a source of shame for her now timid stagehand brother. Maybe she died. Maybe she was just a figment of scooter's imagination like Tyler Durden. The Mystery of Skeeter goes on...


I think my favorite is Brobee ("the little green one"), and not just because he comically has the word "Bro" in his name. He just seems like he'd be the most fun to chill with, you know? He's clearly the best dancer of the group, and sometimes he carries around a sock puppet. Whats not to like? He also has the unique ability to show emotions, as when he's sad, his mouth turns upside down into a worrying frown. But that's pretty rare, Brobee is pretty good times.




Theres also a lesser known secondary character named Gooble, who's always crying. He almost looks like he was salvaged from a rejected Muno prototype costume. He's like the opposite of my bro, Brobee. If Brobee was Andrew WK, Gooble would be Thom Yorke. He's a bummer, like a Debbie Downer or Buzz Killington. or Thom Yorke.





YO! It's almost time to go!
Here's a quick video sampling:

The ever-popular "Party in my tummy" starring my future wingman, Brobee.


An awesome Ska jam about cleaning your room.



The Roots make an appearance on the Super Music Friend Show.

Friday Night Random Or: This Fortnight or something in Awesome

This week has been another week of half-finished entries, but unlike past unfinished entries, I'm still interested enough to finish them. Eventually.
So stay tuned for those.
In the mean time, here's a few random things:

While still totally ridiculous, I somehow don't find THESE nearly as insulting to the overall ethos of punk rock as the career of Avril Lavigne. However, if you're going to shoehorn the punk aesthetic into something, can you at least make it hilarious?

Speaking of punk...
The Thorns of Life. Oh my.
When two strong forces come together, it can work either way. Just ask R. Kelly and Jay-Z. Their collaborative albums failed miserably. "Best of both worlds" Indeed.
But I have to say, the idea of Blake Schwarzenbach and Aaron Cometbus starting up a band together gives my ears a boner with anticipation.
Thorns of Life = the Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt of Punk.
....Wait, those two consecutive metaphors are unrelated. Nothing about the Jolie-Pitt baby gives my ears or any other part of my body a boner....you know what I meant!!

Keith Olbermann's most recent Special Comment was regarding California's Proposition 8, and it was true to Olbermann's form; well spoken, passionate and largely accurate. Well worth the watch.


Also, the wondertwins, Tegan and Sara also posted impassioned responses to the issue here.

Not to make this too YouTube heavy, but Amanda Palmer just posted a new video for the song "Oasis" off of "Who Killed Amanda Palmer", and it's pretty fantastic.



and lastly, in the world of Blogs apparently your placement on Google is of utmost importance. If your blog can be within the first few results when someone types in something arbitrary like "Porcupine Spikes" or "Astronaut Piss", traffic to your site grows, and attention, revenue, world wide adoration and world wide backlash are sure to follow.

So, file this under humility: When you type something completely non arbitrary and obvious into google, like say "Attack of the Swank", his site isn't even the #1 result. This is.
I guess I've got a long way to go.


ps. Click here to buy that Vagina scented perfume you've been looking for, for that special someone this holiday season (NSFW).

Nevermind Spencer Elden

I'm going to go on record here with a rather controversial opinion, so hold onto your hats: I no longer give a shit about Spencer Elden.

You may ask "Who the hell is Spencer Elden" (after, I suspect, "Why am I reading this?") Well, he's the swimming baby from Nirvana's Nevermind album cover. The album that brought rock back into the mainstream, knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the charts, Freed the slaves, Cured polio and replaced Aunt Vivian on the final seasons of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".



A couple of years ago I was watching an MTV clip show, where I believe people were (rightfully) expounding the virtues of "Nevermind" when a teenage ginger kid popped up on the screen. "Spencer Elden - Nirvana Baby" I believe it said on the lower left of the screen. He then said "It's cool that I'm the Nirvana Baby" or something else equally dim, and it was off to someone else. Possibly Kim Thayl, or members of Mudhoney, who don't seem like so much a band as professional Nirvana documentary participants, these days.

"Hey cool!" I remember thinking. "Someone tracked down the Nirvana dick baby and he looks kind of like Shaun White, only, you know, not obnoxiously talented", and that was that. It was not unlike some of the other "where are they now?" pieces; seeing what Bee-Girl is up to, or watching "Puck" from Real World 2 desperately trying to latch onto any remaining interest in his decade old infamy.

And then I saw another piece on the Nirvana dick baby. and another.
and another.

"Does this kid have an agent that gets him work soley because he was photographed as an infant?" I wondered. How long before he's rooming with Kato Kaelin on the surreal life?

Things covered in every article:

• He is now, thanks to the magic of the space-time continuum, 17.
  
• His parents were paid $200 dollars for the photo
  
• He uses bad pick-up lines like "Want to see my penis...AGAIN??"
  

Instead of constantly rehashing the same info with fluff interviews, why not wait 'till he's actually done something of note? like starting a mediocre indie band, or endorsed a line ot infant swimwear?
Or maybe forget him altogether and dig up some other barely note worthy pseudo celebrity who's actually done something.


SIDEBAR: Jeremy Jackson - "Hobie" from Baywatch, is an example of a pseudo celeb who has done something. Well, by "something", I mean having looking like a Hollywood douchbag down to a science. A douchbagist, if you will. Just look at the longing gaze of his lady paid model...


But, today was the final straw for Spencer Elden:
"Nirvana Baby -- All Grown Up -- Re-Creates Classic Nevermind Cover Image!!"



That's it, Spencer Elden, you're 15 minutes are up. Not only are they up, but they were so overdone, it went from brief, pleasant nostalgia, to mild annoyance, to searing hatred.
You are dead to me, Spencer Elden.

Just like Mikey from Life cereal being killed by Poprocks and Coke, or Leave it to Beaver's Jerry Mathers being killed in 'Nam, at this point, I choose to erroneously believe that you're dead. Let's say that your head was crushed by a comet made of frozen astronaut piss that was discharged in error back in a 2003 rocket malfunction. Sounds plausible, I'll go with that.

Nirvana Dick Baby, 1991 - 2003, died from being crushed by frozen astronaut piss.

Ok, now I feel better.

WILD PARTY LAST NIGHT.

So what happened to you?
Last I heard you were going to some body piercing place? That stuffs too weird for me...

Ok, I'll stop. Is it weird that I know word-for-word an anti-drinking PSA from at least a decade ago? (that I can't find on YouTube anywhere!) Best not to dwell on it I guess.
I mean, That one was alright, but it doesn't come close to "what do you mean you forgot to mail it?? STUPID!! DAMMITYOUCANTDOANYTHINGRIGHT!!". That shit changed my life. But thats another story for another time.

So, as it's plain to see from my past few weeks of entries, and especially these last 48 hours or so, I've been (figuratively) in Obama Country (area code 9021-hope). Everyone seems to be universally optimistic, which is a stark 180 from the last 2 elections, especially 2004. Even people who aren't generally interested in politics are getting enthused about Obama. I'm sure if I lived elsewhere, it might be a different story, but here it's smiles all around.
A victory for common sense.

Sadly though, Obama's historic victory has overshadowed the passing of 2 (maybe more) oppressive bills - California's proposition 8 (which bans gay marriage, which both Obama and Schwarzenegger were publicly opposed to), and an Initiative in Arkansas banning gay couples from adopting children. A giant leap forward for one historically oppressed people, 2 steps back for another. I guess common sense can't win 'em all.


I recently read an interesting piece about John McCain written by comedian and KFC famous bowl enthusiast, Patton Oswalt. He brings a pretty interesting viewpoint to McCains career trajectory, and it's an entertaining read, if you're into that sort of thing. Check it out here.

How was everyone's Halloween? Mine was great. Having the fortune of someone planning their Halloween party for Nov. 1st I was able to turn it into a Halloweekend. Paulie Bleeker was all up ins.

Much to my surprise, My costume predictions were surprisingly inaccurate. I saw a few jokers, but it seemed most people got the memo about me totally trumping them in 2007, and didn't bother. Kudos, would-be poseurs!
Similarly, Sarah Palin's were few and far between. I guess getting the outfit, the glasses, the hair, and staying relatively in character was too daunting for most.

Some of the most popular repeat costumes I saw were: an iPhone, the paperbag princess, and again, Amy Winehouse.

The best costumes I saw were: The yip-yip-yip-uh-huh alien muppets from sesame street, Teen Wolf, Randy Marsh, Nacho Libre, Super Grover, and a couple of Zantas.

Also, on a personal note, as hoped, I met a cute girl with a wildly accurate Juno costume. She even carried a SunnyD bottle. We took a few pictures and I gave her a TCB card with my e-mail, but she never contacted me. (why you frontin', boo? Dag!)
le sigh.

Other than that, and my arduous trek home from night 2 of the halloweekend (briefly touched on in "Mini Attacks") the best story came from just before night one.
I had just met up with my homegirls Steph and Liz at Union Station, and we walked along Front street, by the waiting taxis and hot dog vendors.
Just before getting into a cab, we were approached by a younger guy, early to mid twenties I'd say, who at least presented himself as homeless.
There seems to be an odd commonality with front street beggers, in that they all seem to have fantastic long winded stories, which I've taken to stopping before they start. Not because I'm insensitive to the plight of the homeless, but because usually on front street I'm in a hurry home, and 9 times out of 10 these stories are complete bullshit. You'll get told the exact same one 3 weeks later by the same person, who only needed 2 more dollars to get on the train back home to Notarealplace, Wisconsin.
So as the young man approached and started into "I'm sorry, don't usually do this...I just need..." I didn't break stride and simply said "sorry man, good luck", Steph and Liz however stopped to hear his story. He continued "...I'm not going to ask you for money, I just was hoping you would buy me some food. That way, at least you know where the money is going...". It sounded reasonable, I suppose.
Steph countered with "well, I don't think I have much but if I have it, I'll get you a hotdog". Cheap, near-by and hot. Not only a great choice, but a resourcful homeless person would load up the bun with condiments and additions, and really make a meal out of what was given to him.
But no, This is when the story flips into the fucking bizarro world.
"Well" he stopped her mid-offer, putting his hands up in the stop-right-there motion, "I'm a Vegan."

Seriously.
I couldn't fucking believe what I was hearing. "A vegan" he said!
I have nothing against Vegans, or the Homeless, but if you're in a position where you have to rely on the charity of others for sustinance, thats when veganism and homelessness become mutually exclusive. When you are literally begging people to give you food, you can no longer hang onto your limiting (and, I'm sorry - trendy) dietary standards. The audacity!
Baffled, I laughed and said "Dude, you just defined 'Beggers can't be choosers'" as I walked away. The homeless vegan got nothing.

Today I realized that I've had meat with all 3 meals. Am I subconsciously trying to give myself Gout, to spite the homeless vegan?
"Gout", by the way, along with Monkey Pox and Lupus, are the 3 most fun to say serious diseases there are. GOUT! tee hee hee hee


Buut hey, You're the man, cool guy!
SEEYAATTHEBEACH.

President Obama

I'll expand a bit more on this later, but needless to say, it was a pretty terrific night of TV watching, enthused communications and celebration last night. Not to overstep, but I genuinely think it's one of the most impactful moments of this generation. Last night was pure election elation (ooh! see what I did there?)
Truly inspiring.

Yes We Can.

(more later...)